family pains

I wonder how much my family hurts while wondering about each other...

funny

Now I remember why i like Steve so much. He is lovely.
We went to see BT at Sugar Bar tonight, and it was great. I would have liked to have gotten to meet him, but it didn't happen. I have included two pictures with this post. See if you can guess which is BT and which is Steve.
I regret not bringing my lasers to this show, but I made it through. I was sober and deafened. There were all sorts of people jumping all around and it felt great to be one of them. Once I started to recognize the music, especially "Simply Being Loved" (one of my favorites of his) the night got better and better.
Now I am off to bed.

Fetish

everyone thinks something is hot. There really is no such thing as a strange fetish... Just because I don't think some thing's hot, doesn't mean that others are strange for finding themselves titillated.
I just had a talk with a guy who is rather vanilla for the moment. But I have a feeling; that is about to change. His personality is very much one of a guy who will let me take him to the edge of his comfort zone and then he will cross it himself. Obviously this is all just speculation, but there is no harm in thinking that I might be lucky enough to do that. Of course, we have to make it through the whole pre-sex dating stuff.
Well, about that; Lucky me.
hehe, explanation: He seems really nice and like he actually has the ability to communicate intelligently. He has a good job, and will eat anything. Also, I really think that he is open to whatever I have to offer him. I have decided to open up a bit more to him. Of course that will all happen over martinis on Sunday.

Fetch?

So very fetch...

Update due to request

I must first tell you that i am updating only because I was requested to do so... well. Alrighty, so first off.
1. I find that there is a powerful force outside of my comfort zone. Too cryptic? What I mean to say; I have always been able to get, more or less, a good grasp on reality. But someone threw me a curve ball. YOU know who you are, YOU do.
2. Do not take your foot off the dock until you have the other safely in the boat.
3. 40?!?!? You can't be serious!
4. Power comes to those that take it by the balls.

45?

This is the loudest i have had my speakers since i got the new amp.
They go up to 80, and I have never gone above 45... Dear lord.

Adam Monroe

I had a dream last night, it was very pleasant.
I dreamt that I was in my room, and I heard a knock on the door. Up came Adam Monroe, not he actor, but the character. Well, maybe it was the actor. But that is not the point, he was the nice guy Adam. And he and I started talking, and I knew him, we must have had some history between us? But I don't know what it is. Anyway, I think that he was in love with me or something... Not sure. But. There was also this hint that i was just some other guy, one of many. And that one of them was going to be flying him someplace today, so he could stay long. But, despite that guy, he still loved me. I know it all sounds lame. But then he left.

Now, what he was wearing was interesting too. I am sure I have seen this outfit on him before, I will have to review my sources. It was like a white track suit thing, only wasn't tat swishy material, it was like a cotton poly knit or maybe a fleece suit thing. It was white with light blue trim. His hair was exactly as it has always been, and his face was just as stubbly as always.

cleared and gone

I cleared him away. far away. There are always shadows that remain after you push someone out of your life. Even if they leave, or push you out. They are still gone, but once were there. So, a shadow of the time gone clings to the last breathe you use to describe them. I have completed a rather complex photoshop. That doesn't mean it took me a long time, it just was very -- complicated. More complicated than what existed between James and I; which was nothing complicated at all, for it was barely anything that existed at all.
So, Requiem for a still-born relationship. For it was dead before it ever lived.

Dave

Who remembers this guy? Dave Sproles. Nice guy. Good conversation, but he was very sleepy. That makes me kind of tired, too.

Remove

I think that i am going ot remove an app on facebook. The on e that has a rainbow flag on it. it seems to be drawing a line between gay people and the non-gay people (straight, bi, transgender...). I received some kinda-sorta-hate mail already for having it and it is doing no good just sitting there.

dream

I had a great dream last night, it makes me want to drink more often. It seems that whenever I drink martinis I have beautiful dreams. My last martini dream involved me and God, it was really rather nice (the two of us just walking around in the garden of Eden, and him explaining why people need to forgive themselves). But this dream was a bit more of this-world. I was in a theatre with Matt McCarren and Jordan Beck. Jordan and I used to have problems, but then I asked her about her past experiences and now we are nice... But McCarren.. well He is a jerk. But not in this dream. I was telling them about my fears of Grad school... and they said that as long as I do what i like, it is a good thing.
There are many things coming into effect here; "start spending your time doing what your good at, rather than all your time becoming good at what your bad at." "You should have stayed with engineering. Your stupid for changing your major" "Fuck them, we rule the world, Mr. President" and finally "Kevin, they don't know you. I don't know you, only you understand what is going on inside your head."
All these things lead to the dream. But the second part of the dreme was different. It was third person, like all my dreams, but I wasn't in it. It was Ed and McCarren. Ed was driving and McCarren in the passenger seat, and ed laughed once and said "You know, he is rather taken by you". To which McCarren smiled...
I wish more people would smile when they find out I am taken by them...

DHL or UPS

I will only be using these two forms of shipping from now on. I greatly prefer how good they are at tracking the package. I like to give business to businesses that have procedures that i like. Fed-ex is OK, but the USPS sucks. Always the first two.

thanks

thanks, josh, for not being a jerk.

obsesive personality

that is me. I need to just drop the whole idea of J and just go back to the idea of me.

Nella Fantasia

I am not easily disturbed, and neither are those around me.
There is happiness for all, and love all around.
Nobody needs the false faces that we so often must put on.
There is complete harmony between the forces of myself.
Nella fantasia.

let em explain

The stuff below is an excerpt from lakme, where a guy gets stabbed for overstepping bounds.
So, I overstepped some bounds, but there was no need for jay to go ape shit and block me and run away.

gospel according to TheRaptor

[Tuesday, December 18th at 02:47:53] well I mean I'd advise you to drop the whole thing

You suck!

Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin. Doucement glissons De son flot charmant Suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord, Où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, Ah! descendons. Ensemble!
Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble. Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin Viens, descendons ensemble
Doucement glissons de son flot charmant, suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, ah! descendons
Ensemble!

oh, seriously!

don't be like that, J.

oh, don't be such a stick in the mud

alright, suppose I upset a lot of people tonight! I asked people to tell me an embarrassing part of there past tonight.
first (and probably more importantly then the others) is Dave. Who through a series of miscommunication thinks I feel he is subservient to me. Which is incorrect, but I can do little to explain it to him, I can't even promise I understand my motives so often.
Secondly is J. Who signed off in the middle of a conversation, when I informed him that he was professing a a dangerous thing to me. Then, I called and got voicemail after two rings... which is just as bad as hanging up on someone.
Third was the Raptor, who is just a dick head. plain and simple, but he is ok with that. So I suppose that as his friend, I should be also, but I just am not ok with that.

we all get it

in the end.

Just stop and think before you go further. It isn't very deep. But it means that we all get what it coming to us, not just the bad, but the good, too. I have several great friends, and the funniest thing is; They are better people than most of the people I dated (i.e. spent the most time with). Ed came over this evening and we had a nice chat...
Well, actually, we went to dinner first, then had a nice chat where we clucked like hens till 11:30. I hope good things for him.
Then there is the other hand; those that are not the greatest of people. These people have it coming to them, too. But the world is a pretty balanced place, and all usually turns out well.
Now, in reference to what happened tonight with a --
Actually, I am not able to discuss that until it is over. Please read my next post, hopefully within 24 hours.

risk my life

Life is full of risks, tomorrow I risk it once more. And what might be my prize? I don't know. I really wish that I had a sure thing right now. Rather than falling back to what lead to my destruction three years ago (accepting a challenge for a thrill). It was terrible, but I made it through. Now I find myself faced with a similar battle, a battle to prove something to myself. I can't promise anyone anything. But i took basic precautions this time. I have an EVAC lined up, the right code words (both positive feedback codes and negative feedback procedures) as well as textual signs. I don't even know why i am risking this. My gut tells me that there is something wrong here. Rarely am I wrong about this kind of stuff... but I have made all the preparations, there is no turning back now.

Ed, you were right

Well, ed, you were right. he did come back...
And now I control the situation. But, he still has a boyfriend, and I never was one to want to play second fiddle.

You can call me...

Kevin
or
Vlad

New guy is eager?

Funny how shit happens. I ended up dancing with a new guy at axis last night, which you already know. But there have been some text messages. It seems that he is very eager to talk to me, which is exactly what I need right now. I always tend to get ... well I don't want to say ignored, but... really there is no point in sugar coating it. It seems that i often get the brush off from guys.
I just had a vision in my head of what could go wrong... not pretty.
I will post again later.

Danger

I gave my cell number to a guy tonight, and I am not sure if it was a good idea. he seemed to be going a bit faster than I wanted him to. Of course, if every boy went at the pace that I want, the gay community would --- really it would be way better! There would be way fewer diseases, and way less drama.
Goddamn!

But also tonight, Fru and I had a good time together. She had to leave early, and once she left, it was pretty lame. until I ran into my new friend...
right, friend. haha.

Devil is in the details

You really thought I wouldn't notice two line of text being out of place? You do realize I can spot when people change things from a mile away. Seriously... You could have at least replaced those lines with things that are the right size.
Realize that people only read text using the top half of each letter. And if I already knew what it said (previously) and you stuck with that rule and with basic margin justification, you might have thrown me off for a few days. But as it is, I caught it in less than an hour.

I must say, I am rather insulted.

Matt

SO, I guess Matt and I are broken up? He has been sleeping with another guy for a few weeks, and it wasn't until I told him that I was close to sleeping with someone else that I found out. SO, Jay, thanks, and also, I now hate you for leading to this point. But at least your hot and maybe one day I will just bend you over and fuck you. And I hope that you enjoy it. If not, then too dam bad.

Cheers!

toothpaste

did you know that there is titanium in toothpaste? dear lord!!
Now, let's do some thinking people. Teeth are bones, titanium doesn't seem like it would be good to rub up against them.

Jay II

This doesn't really pertain much to Jay from the previous post, but is more about the last sentence of that post.

I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

That is how I let the world see me. I limit what they see. I take the pictures from the parties I host and I rarely attend parties where people are taking pictures. I have never untagged myself from a picture, so that is good. But it is just that there are very few pictures of me that I didn't take. And very few pictures that I take aren't preplanned.

Are you serious?!?!

and to think, I really believed what she said.

Views

Hunnar betty, se asken bulli dabatrs inu manka se. Mio ennma inentri tume. Respon fo unha gratti, "I feel that I owe you an apology", manne none gratti gaungee.
I ware jubbum guangee ennte paglia. hahah!

I am really sorry, I never meant to hurt you...
But I saw this part of you, and i wanted to keep it between you and I... you wanted me to know nothing about it.

Pallet Fiur me. Nummi, dutti, always sorry. Surrey machin you.

Jay

By popular request from my friends that I told about last night... hmmm. Suddenly I don't fell like posting the pictures any more... but here they are anyway.
Part of me likes the fact that he is kind of buff, the other part likes how he is very cute. I like that he was a bit rough, but that he knew that it could have ended badly and stopped. Strange happening, though. That i will not share with others: I dare say that there's is one thing that pictures can't really capture properly. One small detail that draws me toward him. of course, there is always more to a person than what the pictures show. I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

Why on earth would I feel guilty?

I stepped back from my current situation for a moment today, oddly enough, it worked out well that i did so. I now see that I did nothing wrong last night. Yeah for me. I am still uneasy about Matt and Jay knowing each other, but that is a small matter. As soon as jay signs online, I will give him a holler.

Overture Redux

Every time I hear this song, I picture a kick line...

last night

I am not sure exactly what I did last night. I don't mean that I don't remember last night. I mean that I am not sure why I did it. I am not a weak person, nor am I a strong person with a weak personality. It is just that... I am not sure why i would allow that to happen.
I feel that I should explain before your imagination gets carried away. Last night I had a party at the house, and from there I headed up to my room. I received an Instant message. i responded and then later on, I ended up at a bar with him and then at his house. Nothing terrible happened, there was a brief moment of physical "contact", but that was short lived and I was rather unenthusiastic, so he stopped. I just feel guilty, because I didn't call Matt before hand. There was no sex, so no need to call. But. I still feel guilty.
And I think that he might try and look up some records on me, not that he will find anything, all of mine have been sealed. Luckily, he is unable to find anything if he doesn't know exactly what he is looking for.

I have run his name, and found him to have a clean record.

There is something else bothering me. He and Matt knew each other. That is the worst part... and that is the part that made me a little uncomfortable. Maybe last night was a mistake? I don't know. I would like to think that it was all not just hormones and alcohol. I am a bit lonely right now, really, that is it. I am going to act on this, but I will give it a moment to simmer. And by that, I mean I will let it sort itself out. He might not be thinking hard about anything right now, but I am.

different ghost in the machine

So, the other meaning of the ghost in the machine. That is what you call it when your computer does something odd and unexplained, often selfish. Like erasing something or putting things in an odd order.

facebook

jumping around on facebook has made me realize something: I might not know who I am am right now. but I know who i am not. I am not some crazed fag who has more pictures with a bottle to his lips than without. I do not have a single photo of me flicking of the photographer. I am not just wasting--
and that was the trigger.
I fear that I am wasting my life. But at the same time, I like my life. I don't feel like rushing out of college. Screw the real world, I like mine.

Code black

You know what that means, right?
Google it. It means the same thing as code Yellow.

flanders

he;s a good guy.

Moving on

Page and i are fine now. I will just leave it at, I think she needed some time to herself to think everything through. And in the end, she is still my friend. I will be leaving the previous posts up, mainly because I think that they are a part of history, and because it is helpful for reflection. I was very angry. So was she, but now we are not. So If you decide to read the previous posts, remember that I was very angry with her, not angry at her. But now I don't feel like that anymore.
Also, in regards to Tony in the previous posts. I had a realization on the last day of my design class. So, it was really perfect timing for page and I to get back to being friends.

Quickly reflecting on page

I am not really angry anymore. I forgive you for what things you have said to me in the past. For the mistakes you made, and the things you did in fear or in good intent. I have supported you in everything you have done, even your anger at me. But I am done supporting you in it. You are alone now as far as that goes. I don't see how you can go back to him, the guy that lied to you for months and not move past my 3 minutes of mistake.
I have done so much for you in the past, and you for me, also. But you have stopped the love, you have closed the doors all the time. I am not going to bother trying any more. When you are ready, I will talk to you, but i am not going to try anymore.
Upon reflecting an review with my council, I have realized that you have often times been a very mean person to me. That you have done things to hurt me, and ignored these mistakes. I didn't bother to forgive you, I simply put them out of my mind, and never thought of them again, never letting your past catch up to you. But today I change my tune. You are no longer going to be pardoned for your actions.
Your current state of hatred is not going unnoticed. I am not sure that you are worth my worries, since you don't seem to want to fix this problem.

seriously

"Ok, every time i see him, I want to take a sledge hammer to his forehead."
-- me thinking to myself less than 30 seconds ago.
You know what, I'll bet you are thinking this is about someone else...
You're wrong...
And I am not sure if it makes me want to hammer you even more...
And this grammatical chain is making my basic thoughts more difficult to process...


i suppose that this puts me into a certain class of insanity, the blind hatred of those that ... are of no threat-- but he is-- to me. He is very much a threat. i can't stand to be around him sometimes, but then at the same time, I cherish it more than any social etiquette allows for. He is ... grrr. this pisses me off. and I just want to do myself a favor and avoid him like the plague, so that he can never "threaten" me again. But I suppose that-- there are things I can do. like... but that would be a whale of a drastic measure, and it would be one of those -- no it would be completely reversible. He is, despite what blanks are filled in, a pretty forgiving guy... and that makes me hate him even more. Just be a bitch once in a while, stoop to someone Else's level. Don't you understand; no one likes a nice guy.
I used to be a nice guy and still am, until I started hanging out with him, and now I am just look like an arrogant prick. I am actually a good guy-- trust me on that. But in comparison, it appears that I am a jerk. Even when you and I -- fight ( you really can't call it that-- but it is categorized with all the same feelings i have when in a fight with someone) you are just so nice. You don't complain to anyone, and you don't vent to your friends (DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF ME???? I certainly haven't seen them! [actually, I have... but I don't really think it counts, we didn't actually get to talk... it was like seeing someone through glass... but having no glass there... YOU ARE THE GLASS, YOU SICK FUCK!!! GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH]) Or do they all want to stab you in the eye because you are too much of a good person!
Fuck off.
P.S. I can't wait to grab some food again, it has been way too long.

Facts of Facebook Fotos

nobody is real... nobody.

Fianlly got my insurance to work

I think i have all of the paperwork for my insurance... this is great. I Hate insurance stuff. But All I have to do is slap a stamp on it and I am good to go. They should send me a check with my refund. It would be great to get the check before Christmas, so I can buy people presents.
Which brings me to the next point.
I am not sure what to get page for Christmas. And Ann is of no help. I think that i should get her something nice, but make sure it is something that i can return or keep for myself if she refuses it. I hope she gets me something. not because I want something, but because I don't want her to be there empty handed when I give her my gift.

thought

You might not need me, but I need you.

part

Part of me is very angry, but that part is small. I wrote a letter, and judging by the way everything has been-- she hasn't read it. This means that she is content in her anger. That is ... sad for me.
... But worse for her.

Anger is not a natural state. War is not a natural state. Men (people) are only able to enter war by going into a realm of feelings that are outside of the healthy spectrum. She is outside of a healthy area of feelings and I hope that she becomes my friend again.
I will leave that last sentence as that:
I hope she becomes my friend again.

moved

I moved this blog, and it will be hidden for aslong as I need it to be.

seriously

You are so full of crap, every six seconds?!?!? get a grip woman!

These are the possible reasons I might snap at people

First degree of suffering (things that are happening to me)
1. I haven't spoken to any of my roommates in almost three days.
2. I am currently rather thirsty, therefore in a bad mood.
3. I just spilled water down the front of me, in an attempt to rehydrate.
4. I have to figure out how the fireplace was broken, then fix it. As it is now, there is likely a small gas leak.
5. I missed voting day.
6. I haven't finished reading Harry Potter and I don't really feel like doing it.
7. My crazy sister Michelle is being retarded about gayness.
8. I am falling victim to the assumptions of others.
9. I have spent a small fortune on postage to people out of the city.
10. page is upset at me.
11. I am going blind in one eye, and it is not reversible.
12. I spent around an hour on the phone to try and straighten out this refund with Klipsch.
13. My ADD medication needs to be refilled.
14. My contact prescription is costing me and arm and a leg.

Second degree of suffering (things that are happening to others that I care about, so I am concerned about them and feeling pity for them)
1. My sister is being told that she is wrong for being a lesbian.
2. Page is upset.
3. Sam is sad that Jim is leaving.
4. My boss is concerned about the walkin freezer.
5. The cat is going to loose her tail.
6. Michelle is upset because of Megan, even though it is her own ignorance.
7. My mother is feeling unloved.
8. My brother is feeling encroached upon.
9. Ann has cancer, but she is getting better. On top of that, Page dragged her into the middle of her and my situation.

Third degree of suffering (things that are happening in the world, so we are all together in suffering)
1. OSU's tuition is increasing.
2. Gas prices are on the rise.
3. The number of miscarriages is up from last year.
4. Some bitch is trying to create a democracy over in the East... alone, by the way.
5. Global warming. It is different than you think, but still happening.
6. Mathematically speaking, California is about to die of cancer... as a whole.

also

I need to figure out what to wear to this potluck tomorrow.

Free health care

Someone was talking about how much better it is that Canada has free health care. But I have heard it from many sides, from the doctors who disagree with the idea to the woman who has cancer and gets CT scans every month. Calm down hippie liberals!

Wrote a note

Wrote a note, feelin much better.

alternative

Page, if you are so worried about the security of your computer, try this:
http://www.truecrypt.org/

hmm

I am ... here.

It is way deeper than it sounds.

Network

The network has been taken down, mainly because there is no longer a need for it to be up. Page will never bother to print another thing from my computer, nor will she ever bother to look at the things that stored on sheila. She has made her computer impossible to get into (it is more of a slap in the face than actually protecting her files), and it is extremely evident that she doesn't really care to see anything I have to show her.
So, we shall leave it at the "Le Disko (Live in Studio WFNX 101.7" as the last file shared. After all, none of this would have happened if I didn't put it there... I suppose I can chalk it up to me not wanting to hide it, as if it would make it better.
She has saught the advice of others, which is good. But so have I. With the limited amount that I have told them, they seem to mostly say that i was wrong (duh, I know that). But there is one that has said something miraculously different.

Your problem started when you said something to the other person.

Rich

Rich is right. If I never let her know I knew... this would not have happened. I am not really that concerned with Tony and her relationship, The only one that I actually care about is the one between her and I. She continues to talk about him-- when i am only concerned about she and I. I would prefer that he not be told that I don't like him, frankly because that is not an accurate statement. Page is very angry at me, Tony isn't. I don't have anything to work through with him. I dislike him as little as I dislike any person who has hurt those I care about. I had him red flagged when I met him, because I knew he was hiding something. and I was right. So now the situation has reached an equilibrium; he has nothing left to hide (at least nothing that puts out the persona of hiding things) and I have nothing left to fault him for. Smug? No. I am correct.

I am not an idiot, I know that eventually she will come here to read this, I have always known that she will read these, that is why I make sure to put the things that I want her to know. I am not "planting" posts for her to read, but more so making sure that what I do write is OK for her to see. I have not written anything that I want to keep to myself, this is the Internet people... it is the lowest form of security known to man. You are better off putting it on a billboard...

strength

Give me strength, so that I can restrain myself...
There exists an extremely large amount of power in this configuration. Enough to wipe out the past history, but if I do that, it might actually mess up the current set up... because I make a call back to the history and logs of the past for a quick data call. It might make the whole system fail...
I think I will risk it.

shower

life feels better after a shower. everything looks a little bit better...

silver lining

But the silver lining?
Because I have had this disease so long, I don’t have (and never had) depth perception. This has forced me to learn how to gauge distance and depth using other methods…
like shadows and basic size comparisons. So at least lighting design makes sense to me.

Forever

It is funny to hear that you have something incurable. It might be treatable, unfortunately not in my case, but never curable. Recently I have identified with the concept of permanent, within my own body. I will eventually loose sight in my right eye. The condition can be brought to a stand still, hopefully. But not reversed. The damage is done. I fell victim to a doctor who never finished what he started... or maybe he just died... I am not sure. I thought that my "condition" was under control and stopped... I was wrong. It has begun again. my vision will never be even, as my left eye continues to over take the right eye. I also learned something today...

I do not have, nor have I ever had, depth perception.

So, My final words on this... it isn't the end of my life. I am strong person... I will do what I can to stop the degradation of my sight, but I will not let it destroy me. I wonder however... what if it happened tomorrow... if I woke up and could only see out of one eye? Is it darkness that I would see in the other? Would it be white? Or color; maybe reddish yellow like the eye goop... What if it was like never ending stars that you see when you rub your eyes too hard, or like the images burnt into your vision when you look at a bright light?

I have new contacts now... the doctor and I were able to force myself into 20/20 with my right eye... but that doesn't mean I can "see" 100% of what I should with it.

I need to date dwayne again.

Let me explain that statement. Dwayne did somethign really interesting as a boyfriend... he cleaned my room. I know that sounds kinda ... out there. but it was very sweet.

can't shake it

I can't shake the image of the killer from Monster from my head. The part where she is in the bathroom and trying to clean herself up for her date... it makes me feel that it is important to make the best of what you have... and reminds me that I am so luck to be able to not have to try TOO hard to make the best of a situation. There is no deeper meaning tonight, and nothing cryptic hidden in here. just me saying, that I know I am lucky to be in a place in my life where I am not ... stuck in a shitty situation. Really, what the hell do I have to complain about. I am loved by so many, I am not dumb, or otherwise misfortuned, I am not poor (well, that is debatable), and I am not alone. That is the most important I think. I am not alone.

hmm

my computer chair was lower than before... odd. but not completely out of the realm of explicability.

And yes, I know that isn't a real word.

Oh Kathleen

Haha I'm back now...oh wow where to start.

So I was trying on this outfit that I wanted to wear out tonight, and I wanted to see how it looked with heels on. I don't have a full length mirror (yet) in this apartment, so the only way for me to really see myself head to toe is by standing on the edge of the bathtub, looking into the big bathroom mirror.

Fully dressed, with heels on, I climbed up on it.

I grabbed onto the shower curtain rod for balance, but there must have been some water under my foot... I slipped, and though I was hanging onto the metal rod, I still fell, and brought the rod down with me! The thing was metal, and it's BENT now where I was hanging onto it for dear life lol. So um...I sort of fell splitting the edge of the bath...half of me inside, half hanging out. And the shower curtain and rod all came down on top of me. To top things off, I had some stuff soaking in the tub, so I got wet too...oh yeah, I've got some nice bruises and a scrape on my shin now.

Vanity will be the death of me!

Hah, so how the heck I am going to explain this to whoever I need to speak with to fix it, I don't know... "well you see, I was practicing my uneven bars routine and..."

Keep in mind, this story is coming from the girl who spent the last 15 years of her life training in ballet. Guess that goes to show how much I excelled in the "gracefulness" department.

That was the story of a girl that I know on the OS. Very funny.

another lovely lady's story.

Ive been known to put clothes in the fridge...I once put my umbrella in there too ..i do this a lot i have a thing about my fridge obviously. if ever i cant find something i always check my fridge and my washing machine because i put things in there too. Oh and washing powder in the sugar bowl.
when i was a smoker i often, when on the way to work and running late would run for the bus and on boarding it ask the driver for 20 Benson and Hedges LMHO. The looks i got.

a song called

I was rating my music and I was going through the Sarah Brightman section of it and clicked on a snog I haven't' heard in a long time... so long that I didn't recognize it. It was very odd.

sp

Oh, I get it. God is a spaghetti monster and there is no great mystery to life. Evolution explains everything. Evolution is the answer to how, not the answer to why.
The mystery of life is to live.

log

[Thursday, October 25th at 22:24:50] shoutingsteve001: -exhaule-
[Thursday, October 25th at 22:25:02] shoutingsteve001: it jsut sucks when your best friend hates you

_Fresto_

Freppo non epi naro. Mio simmetta un nina en leemare too armatti y narno. Mio resputto ed effe martes conquerat asta.

Formitarse anno "Kevin Anon" semi "Kevin Nute". Ha. Betnasche eppi chemica. Tomaro chemica. Respunte a mia atoriaita.

On an unrelated note:
Page emuno cantic agree.
nomo agree... appe.

P.S. Yo lo mortimo te gemmino alla miste y multuno tuna-- appe.

36.
Toto.

611

Who knows the number for phone repair?
It is 611
not 411, that is very different.

verdi

Tosca le imbune notte remuniaremente. Mio fimallare, non ti multime frepo alte. NON TI MULTIME FREPO ALTE. remunit... Page eppi tutto fratte non-pation. Non repo mia lenit fratelle zapi. Dutte tirimitu repo abutta in totoa, diffi reponte tumino. Le gli matto remuni altimun; NON TI MUTIME FREPO ALTE.

In gli chimara reno tummare totalle. Totalle.

P.S. Ed munni reminite mas malto.

P.P.S. Yomo la toti resulmi a confi li tummi peretre cummei. Etterne intuplica mitte. Ann, Sam, Becka... tummi intomme. Intomo a mitter chumpa. Duete Ann reppo, non mist andamo, mist tuti cantelli. No, no mist cantelli, mist semi-cantelli (hahah, semi un ante!! semi- cantelli non punti langare).

The things I know

The things I know, I know because I know them.

Is that clear?

P.S.
-this space intentionally left blank-

I feel ... better

she through me a bone, I am sure she could see that i am very torn up about how she is disappointed in me for finding out. But now I feel like she and I are back on the same team.

there's a plae

there's a place, so I've heard--

there's a --
place--

there's a place, so I've heard--
where dreams--


Oh, fuck it.

The break down. The way in which I come upon a truth is not a matter is dire importance. When I see a cry out, it is inhuman to ignore it. Just as inhumane to ignore a fist going through a wall, it is terrible to ignore a title with capital letters in it. The--

hmm. I suppose it could have been worse, but at the same time, I feel pretty bad about even looking. It was not a simple notice and glance, it was a see and confirm. My confirmations were-- disheartening.
But in the end, it is not me who suffers.

If I could just get it to be understood that I don't hate anybody, if anything, this has made me feel a great swell of pity.

Now, as to the way that I would have this resolved, there is no way of undoing it. The best that I can hope for is that there is an amount of joy in the continuing of the method. Does that make sense? I think that the only way that certain joys can be realized is through the same method that this pain occurred... with the same channel.

My design professor

I am sick of having to talk to my design professor like he is mentally retarded.

The use is simple; you use the ring to hold up the curtain. To do this, you slide the curtain hole onto the end of the ring that has the bulb on it, and then place the ring (with the curtain attached) onto the curtain rod. The rings are necessary to hold up the curtain and to allow it to move to open and close the shower. Depending on how you have the shower curtain hung, this task can vary in difficulty.

I actually have to put that into my paper.

#PAGE

I respect you-- so very much.
Realize that.
I always have, and I still do.
I repeat, always.

I reflect on a time when we first met, and how much better off we are now living under one roof. We work, it just works. Even when we have out little crazy moments, however rare they might be, we still just work.
I also reflect on the times that you and i made a great team, mostly against things like a crazy lady (iron fist) or an intruder in the garage (gentle hand). Our teamwork works together.
Finally I reflect on the fact that you and I don't "need" each other, we "choose" each other. That concept is a great testament to our friendship.
Remember that.

Lesson learned

I never used to leave my speakers on all day, but over the summer I started to use them to wake up. It is much nicer to wake up to moby than a terrible alarm noise. Anyway, after my speakers blew, I find myself forking out money to have them fixed. the learned lesson is not to leave them on too long. Simple. But they are working great now.

So, it is week of greatness: speakers repaired, new cell phone, paintball. It is good.

*note

Page, your OCD cleaning is hurting the family.
It makes you less fun to be around, and makes everyone a bit uncomfortable.

P.S. I know that you don't want there to be a dinner table in the dinning room, but we have to have one.

Edit: Now I know why you do it, though.

new art

My lateset piece.

one thing

if there is one one thing that I can't handle, it is people who ... throw their happiness in your face. I don't mean the people who are happy, and you can see it in all they do, that is fine. I mean the people who are happy and then take every moment as an opportunity to try and prove that if you are not them, you are miserable. This might sound like an internal problem that I am blaming on others, but this extends to so many fields. Like the nut jobs that feel it acceptable to degrade others actions and decisions. Or those that flaunt there devotion to things... things that don't matter to most besides themselves.
I am sorry if I am being cryptic, maybe it is just that... I am angry, maybe it is just and internal problem that I am blaming on others?

Bitch

I saw something today that I really wish I hadn't. One can only deny something for so long, mainly until it is proven. I have been letting myself love someone that is destructive to me. I don't mean falling in love with someone, I mean loving someone; letting them under my skin. I had always had an idea that there existed a leap of faith for me, but never one to this magnitude; I was in complete denial.

Tonight I awoke to reality: You ain't no good.

AVP

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

your gonna die

between 1995 and 2005 3147 people were killed by terrorists. In that same time span, 3949 people were killed by law enforcement... you're more likely to get killed by the fuzz than a terrorist.

F.E.A.R.

First Encounter Assualt Reacon.
I finally beat this game... but I played the last 4 levels in one sitting, and now i am afraid to go to sleep (or turn off the lights).

opps

Guess what... Justin Nolan did it.
Justin Nolan installed mac OSX on 8/15. So, There is a computer out there that can run EVERY SINGLE OS ON THE MAKRET. Heheh. I love it when technology gets ripped apart by consumers. Now the question is, can Mac keep up to support a quad core processor? PCs already have them. Are their designers good enough to have planned for "unintentional users"?

Moral of the story: Teach a man to fish, and he will rip your eyes out with the hook.

one of them

I am one of them? Those who can't stand the idea that there is a little box that gets more "kudos" points than the system that I built. For a few years now, especially in the last two, persons having built their computers from nothing at all (those that actually understand the way a computer works) have found themselves having to explain to fans of the little white box why the owners of said box find themselves with their noses pressed against a glass ceiling. We (well not me)) have finally discovered the fatal link in their system so loved,

0x00 4 mhbd
0x04 4 header size = 0xBC
0x08 4 filesize
0x0C 4 unknown = 1
0x10 4 version number = 0x19
0x14 4 child count = 0x05
0x18 8 databaseid
0x20 2 unknown = 2
0x22 2 unknown = 0x0263
0x24 8 identification
0x2C 4 zero padding
0x30 2 unknown = 1
0x32 20 unknown, changing completely from itdb to itdb
0x46 2 language, seen: de, en
0x48 8 library persistent id
0x50 4 unknown, seen: 1, 5
0x54 4 unknown, seen: 0x08, 0x0D, 0x1D, 0x4D, 0x8D
0x58 20 unknown some similarities between versions
0x6C 4 timezone offset in seconds. +2*60*60 -> 0x00001C20, -4*60*60 = 0xFFFFC7C0
0x70 76 zero padding 0x00000000

Have any idea what that means? I'll bet that the ones sitting in front of a little white box don't either. None but those that have built a system and run a BIOS-to-OS know what that all means.
Basically, this is what keeps the mac OS off of a PC mobo (well, this particular string set is actually the Ipod locking, keeping anything except for itunes from altering the ipod, however the bigger string set that i haven't got at my disposal is being worked on by Windows, Linux, and Solaris users). The Intel processor can work for macs now, that is old news... but after the end of this data tagging, the PC will be able to run OSX (illegally hacked, of course).
So, in conclusion, fuck off Mac you are no longer "anti conformist" (and we all know that is the only reason people bought the mac anyway). The brainpower behind this hacking force is not to be trifled with.

Photos

I have recently started taking more... amazing photos. My first amazing photo was not taken by me, it was taken by my friend Heather, I was laying in a field. Since then I have had the gay vanity shot, a couple of years ago with my fujifilm. But then I got a much better camera. Since then I have taken the sexy series. First a picture of me in jeans, then the windblown one, the studying ninja, and most recently-- TV Box and the Egyptian.

FSH Muscular Dystrophy

This is the end of a girl's smile. There is a 15 year old girl who can no longer smile. Do you know what that means... she is done showing her joy... or even her sorrow. FSH Muscular Dystrophy is a degenerative disease that kills the muscles of the face and some of the upper back. It sucks... that is the end of ... so much for her.

Tired

I screamed my head off tonight, and now it is time for bed... after I check my email.

elderly

My grandmother was moved into a old folks home yesterday. I knew about it, but I didn't give it too much thought. Today I read the description of the place that my father sent... he said that it sounds great, that she doesn't have to make the bed, all her meals are cooked for her, all her laundry done for her... I think that sounds terrible.
I fear that I will be cast away in the end. I had a thought about what happens to gay people when they get old? They have no family or children... nobody. Alone, and there is nobody to take care of them. Of course there can be adopted children and partners, but... that isn't the norm. I am ... so afraid to be alone. I can barely stand to come home to an empty house. The moment anyone comes home, The first thing I do is dash into their room and ask how their day was. I am not meant to be alone... it makes me feel... alone. I know that sounds needy and dependant-y, but what is wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with needing people.

word to your mother.

and to your father, too. Now, I think it is funny.

How fast can you think?

Apparently it is such a bad thing to think evil thoughts... well whatever. The point is that you are supposed to stop the thought before it gets any worse. Well what if you think too fast? What if before you can even identify it as a bad thought to stop it, it is over... you have already... destroyed them. You find yourself looking at them in this fast moment... just standing there watching as they wriggle on the floor... nothing except unmistakable pain. There they are, bones broken, face shattered, everything is over for them... they lost to themselves. Not because they lost to you, but because they brought it to themselves.

To all my readers

"A steaming pile of crap"

She was right.

Boiler

I refilled the boiler today... it was thrilling. The system sat at 7 feet of water in the pipes, I filled it allowing for room for expansion. Basically, just around 20 feet of water.

funny thing

I received a call back from a guy that i gave my number to Wednesday before last, I thought he never cal;led me back... but he did. Two days later he called from an unidentified number,. so I didn't answer. the message sat in my voicemail for over a week and I checked it today, I heard it and went to get envelope information and it was not bale to give me the number. Lesson learned, answer the unknown numbers.

Mathew Rush aka Noah

I had strange dream last night that Mathew rush was in. First of all, I was living in the house from six feet under, and I had a strange balcony type room. Anyway, i met Noah (that was his real name in the dream)someplace in the city, the dream is slipping away. And he ended up coming to the house for that awkward dinner that the show always has where everyone is strange around the table. point is, he was a nice guy in the dream, and I am sure that the white monkey, is too in real life.
I think it is important to note that i have always found rush to be a little... ugly. and am not really into him, so the was a very odd dream.

Four little indians

Four little Indians went out to play,
one burned up in the heat, blistery.
And then there were Three.
Three little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a denim debut.
And then there were Two.
Two little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a run,
And then there was one.
One little Indian stayed in to play,
And there he will stay.

You know How I know your gay?

I know your gay because you have a fucking gay flag on your front porch...

The party

I returned from a party. It was a rough experience. I will not be returning to it again. Basically I was not having the best time because I spent so much of the time worrying what other's thought. I also had a run in with some drunk boy that got in my face for saying excuse me when i bumped into him. There was a boy that I was afraid was on something and he then patronized me and my lifestyle by asking how I liked his hair, my preferred response would have been "washed". The only other guy that was not wasted beyond belief left shortly after I arrived, and I only stayed for a short time after he parted. That means I was there for only two short times. I am not returning to that household for a party, the ones i host are much calmer.

But that is not the main point of why I had a ... less than wonderful time. It is because i was so alone there. not that I was the only gay guy, that is a minor concern, but it was because i had nobody to hold me at the end of the night and assure me that it would be OK. I will admit that there was a small amount of fear in me when that guy was all up in my face, anyone with a brain would have been worried about their safety. I decided to take a fast moment for myself and to exit the scene when I felt that I was better off not there.

Money from nowhere

I just bumped into some money today... odd how that happened. Now I am not so super poor. But I am not able to send off the checks till everything in my check ledger and bank ledger agree.

On Matt McCarren

Go ahead and Google that name, you won't find anything about him. He is a grad student here at OSU in the light department. He and I have had some friction, but never anything that would actually count as... wait. There was one time where he and I actually came to non-verbal blows, wait non-physical blows too. Uhm, he and I had a quick second where he was all upset that I told him that he was late. Basically it is a power struggle: I have told the readers this before. My desires for McCarren are strictly rage based. But there is a simple solution:
He and I have to make peace... or have some awkward physical connection. Right now, I would prefer the second option. But I would be more than happy to just be cool with him.
Next time that he says anything mean to me I am just going to tell him that I know that there is some problem between us and that I have nothing against him, so he better figure out what it is about me that he doesn't like and tell me, or just shut his trap about it.

But if he persists... I might have to just tell him why I am so pissed that he doesn't like me. in a perfect world, he never would have been such a jerk, but in reality, he has the chance to fix this. I don't know if it will happen... he will probably not be a jerk if it is just he and I, and i would never want to embarrass him in front of the other lighting people; I care* too much about him to do embarrass him like that.

So here it is, the picture of the Matt McCarren. Never before released to the public of my blog. As you can see, he is nothing special to look at, actually kind of ugly. ugly bastard... I just don't see why I have been so infatuated with him for so long.

*care= I don't really think that is the right word, but it will have to do.

also

my mother is taking a ... small toll... on the family. My pockets are far from endless, ironically, having not realized the timing of a certain credit card payment (a rather large payment) especially in light of my previous post. I will be OK, and so will my whole family, however, it is only a matter of time before Michelle starts barking at me about giving money to Jason (she has no idea how much money (as well as other invaluable things) I have already given to this cause.) and I will simply sit back and say "You are so far behind that you think your first." but not until she tries to contact me directly.
I recently had a small breakthrough, stating that I refuse to surrender power to make me unhappy to others. I have done it with... people and it is actually starting to work. Granted I still find myself counting to ten before I actually open my mouth to respond sometimes, but it is working.

13 big ones

Well, small ones. I have 13 bucks left till Friday... seven days. Of course I have cash, so no problem. But it still sucks that i can't spend any money. I will have to put off the lamp repair till I get more money
But, I am still in the black and at the end of the week, that is what matters in the checking account.

seriously?

I know that I am better than most of the gentleman out there who rely on the drunk state of others for their success. I will admit that I can show a brief moment where i am so vein as to put myself on a pedestal for having not the self control to not drink in excess, but a life that I am happy enough with not to want to forget due to black out, but yet not fragile enough to worry that it might collapse should I get so wasted with certain comrades that I don't remember it.

Don't get your hopes up

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up = It was dumb of me to expect that some guy that I don't even know if he is still in town to show up at my store today. I told him to stop by that the i wold show him how great ice cream can be when I make it. He seemed perfectly ... hopeful last night. But alas... I was wrong.

How perfectly tragic.

The moral of the story-- People don't always show up when they say they will. Not that that is anything new in my life, it happens so very often to me.

doctor

Today I sign up for somethign new in my life. I will be changing a small aspect of my life, but it might make a big change in how things are going for me. I don't know how much I want ot do engineering at all. I am done with it, it sucked when I was doing it and now i am not doing it.

complete flop.

Well shortbus wasn't recieved the way I had hoped, I suppose I will continue to enjoy it alone. There si more to report, but who would care to read it? I can think of few, but none want to hear sad things, so I will concentrait on joy. Tie dye was fun. There. Enjoy that, stick a fork init, turn it over, it's done.

The bar tender

I gave my number to a bar tender., he was cute, and seemed eager to help me, but he was eager to help everyone.I went up to the bar and asked him if I could give him my number, he said sure but in an excited way, I hope the excitement wasn't because I offered mine rather than requesting his.He likely gets it all the time, but I had the glow sticks. He was eager to give me a piece of receipt paper and a pen, but that was it, I don't even know what he did with my number, he might have thrown it away immediately.

Same faces, new lives

I have been seeing some old friends lately, and some of them have been up to new things. Rachel has changed her major, and now she is changing her life. Bryan has dropped off the face of the earth, and I have no idea what is going on. Others have been similar, falling away and then falling back. I suppose I am good for falling back to, I am very happy to catch people. yeah for catching people.

On a side note, I killed someone today, then i dragged his body down the street and dropped him on the railroad tracks. The body will be ct into two and they will never know it was me. That is what you get for saying that my hair looks silly. I also sent a mail bomb to the bookstore sown the street, they stopped carrying my favorite series, the baby-sitter's club.

The largest rebuild ever

I have rebuilt the files for sheila several times, but never to this magnitude. This is the absolute, no questions asked, largest data transfer that I have ever done to date. So far I have accessed over 1.3 Terabytes.

RMA RAM

I need to RMA my RAM. Hahah. funny. But the good news is that it will be free, I have a lifetime warranty for the ram, that is why I will buy buffalo from now on. Also, thus caused my computer to have problems. Long story made short, Nortac (my Titan quest player) is dead gone. I might have to just reinstall everything, because it seems that the whole game has gone crazy, the wrong screens are loading and all that.
on other news, i am pissed at myself for a few things... most involving the most diminutive things possible. I need to get back into school, I need to meet new people. I need to get laid.
Sam helped me to understand something the other night, sometimes people go out looking for things, like to get laid, and then the meet someone that they think will put out, but then that person won't put out. There is nothing wrong with being that second person.

Season 2

12 noon. Kyle XY… He has telepathy. But Deklynn is still hott. And, there are way too many turtle necks in the first episode of season two. But not enough people making out with Kyle. And Kyle’s “father” is dying. And there is a bunch of boring monologues. And Kyle is having a temper tantrum. But a happy ending of the episode.

Twice

Shiny toy guns is playing twice at LC. This si great I want to go to both shows.

case of the sniffles

I am just a bit on the stuffy side. This happens every once in a while, but I usually prefer it to happen during the morning so that I can deal with it rater than just sleep.
Also, I changed my contact solution, it isn't too bad, but I like my old stuff better.
Uhm, and I bought a new pair of scissors, they are great! I think that it was my best purchase in months.
I am expecting the shortbus DVD to come soon, I will make a copy to give to my friends so that i don't risk scratching mine.
Oh, and... I bought some light bulbs today. They are far superior to the older bulbs.

double shot

I served a double shot of espresso today to a gentleman... He recently got a haircut, upon being asked what i think I turned a somewhat real feeling into a verbal confirmation. "I think it is hot and it makes me want to do you."
Now the reality.
He saw me and flagged me down between the Yao Lee Asian market and my store. He ran up to me and started the conversation. Now, most likely he was walking around that way anyway, and just happened to see a familiar face and said hi. I invited him to the store. He got a double shot of espresso out of it, and i got to give it to him-- I think we both got the better end of the situation.

Update ona previous post

Three or four days ago I posted a very.... depressing post. About being rejected. I am sure that anyone who reads it will assume it is about Matt. But it isn't. It is about someone that I don't think many of you have met... or I could be wrong, it could be about someone who you all know. It could be about hermit or a social butterfly. There is no end to who it can be. Anyone. It was about someone, but it can apply to anyone.

Shortbus

why don't you come in and have a look? After all, voyeurism IS participating.

i used to want to change the world, now I just want to leave with a little dignity.


I am not usually one to tell people to watch a video. but this one is great. I loved it as a gay male. It is a story about people who aren't sure about things, all sexual. The end makes me so sad, because it makes you want more, but yet you are afraid to watch...

I made it beautiful.

It is halfway completed.

Rejection... familiar

Wish i could have found a picture of a guy...
I ask for less than 5 mins of you time... and you wouldn't even give me that. How do you expect me to ever want to bother even trying again. I am not going to bother next time. I will just let you float through the room, in and back out. Then I will be there to clean up the mess, mental mess I mean. I take time for you, every time you want me to, I am always there for you if you want to "just talk" But you never do. You have grown "colder"(?) ironic that I use that word? I think so.

Wait, that isn't about who it seems.

Tommorow

In 24 hours, I will make something beautiful.

Concert

Went to see incubus. I enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing the shiny toy guns thing.

seriously, get real

I was contacted by Fru. NO names being hidden. I am not giving her another dime. I coughed up 700 to her. That is her cut off. If she tries to pursue this, i have a secret weapon... Solaere Properties. Hahaha...
I have realized that Fru is not that bad, she is just the puppet in this. So, i am done hatin' on her. But her mother is ... not a puppet in this. She is the pushy one. I will admit that I was wrong to try and get out of it the first time.
Now. Let this be the end of it. I sent her proof of the fund transfer, I am done with her and her mother.

Edit: i am done with her mother. I still wouldn't mind getting lunch with her some time.

Tool

I am searching for one particular set of bolt cutters, the 36 inch ones. I need to cut piece of re-bar. That is what hold cement blocks together.

You didn't know him!!

Really, neither did I. The idea that Fred Terri might be an elaborate hoax has crossed my mind a few times. I brought a print off of his blog to work the other day. Kaitlyn loved it; she was very fixed upon the characters. Fred is very pathetic, or was very pathetic. So much so that people are starting to doubt that he is real. I have followed him from the beginning, I am not sure myself. I had a conversation with a guy, or girl claiming to be Fred Terri. A quick search leads me no place. I would have liked to talk to this pretender a time again, but they have disappeared. I will suspend my disbelief for now. I like to keep it open. But Fred gave me some good advice once, "The best things in life are free." He didn't mean that monetarily. He meant that as in the repercussions of an action. The best things in life come without hurting people’s feelings. Hiding things means you shouldn't be doing them anyway.
I think that I might reexamine Fred and me. God! If you only knew.

I know the color of the room where I can fly
take a spin to the moon and touch it
cause I am a fly
across the hottest of stars and constellations
we'll drink the star juice, cause i don't know why, I am a fly
The ranger is dead, it went to his head. we're gonna fly

I am feeling much better today

Today is looking up for me. I am going to run to the bank, the library and then pay some bills. From there I will check my financial status and might buy a jacket that i have been wanting for a week or two now, but will most likely just hold onto the money and will use it to pay rent and bills.

Aeon

In the world of 1000 men, it is unwise to kill off even a few dozen. This movie has a lot of explosions that kill people. The main character decides to fuck the head of the government, now neither he nor she can go back to their homes. dumb asses.

Oh, and then in the end she blows up the only machine that can allow for a cure.

Memo

Tonight I was reminded of why I am a racist. I can't stand it when people surprise you for the worse, and in large groups at that.

Fred terri

There is a guy that I think might have hurt himself, or killed himself. If Fred or James or i guess maybe Graham reads this, please contact me and let me know if he is ok.
his blog--->

http://noschoolliketheoldschool.blogspot.com/

Once again

Cinema disappoints me. I watched a movie. It wasn't too bad, but the ending had more death than I care to share. the main character of "The prestige" looks a freakishly lot like Jeremy Irons.

Fuck Cows!!

This poor cow got fucked. SOme teenager was randy and decided to relieve is sexual frustrations on a cow.

I started to read a story,

""Steve, man," he leaned forward and murmured in my
ear, "I found your porn links on your computer."

Oh, shit."

guess what it is about. Some poor bastard gets outted by a "friend".

I need some volentires

I need some guys with very pronounced chins to do a me a favor. I found a photo that I want to recreate. I need to basically whip up some fake cum and have two guys kissing. See the picture.

in the wrong?

I am reviewing the events as of recent. I am driven by love and caring, for the most part. In the events in question, I wholly acted out of concern. It can not be helped that I express the fear that one person puts me into by a void in communication. Should the person in question feel anything when I communicate a frustration brought on by above mentioned lack of communication, it lies on their field of emotion. I am not to be held to a higher standard of responsibility for others emotions than the ones who I am affecting with response to the situation they have created. Simple enough?

In contraction:
How is it that I am getting blamed for hurting the feelings of a guy who causes me to be worried out of my mind? Who drew first blood? Accidental? Obviously, but that doesn't cover up the fact that it is sloppy of him. He is a person of clumsy character. I already gave him his due (that is debatable) inch. He may work his way up to a mile, once he gives back an inch.

Regnava nel silenzio

Thank god that i AM a bit ahead of most of the nation as far as my hardware. I am able to record any sound that comes out of my computer, including real time music. I am so angry that Regnava nel silenzio sung by sarah Brightman is not available to me... but using what I have, a 64 bit mp3 and a 244 exagerated bit mp3 I will be able to reconstruct the song. Hahah, fuck you "regional release" people. It won't be long before i have a near CD quality version of the song.

some system rocking

Blah!!! that is a monkey jumping around. Although very loud, you would never be able to guess that he is screaming because he is tired adn wants to go to bed.
Good night Housten!!

Unstopppable

I finally did it. i found out how to activate my Microsoft office without having to talk to a person on the phone. I regularly reinstall windows, and every time I do, I have to re activate Microsoft office. I legally own it, so it is not a secret, just annoying. But I finally found out how to activate it without calling Microsoft. Go me.

Cole, a love once lost...

The following is a reflection on a guy that I used to drool over...
I really couldn't have chosen a nicer guy. Cole really was a very cool guy. He and I sat one day, rather than doing a lighting call, and talked about nothing in particular. this is my most fond memory of him; just calm. I often thought my favorite memory was when I was over at his place and I saw him go from bathroom to bedroom in a towel (12/03/06). That was a hot memory, but it crumbles in comparison to he and I sitting in the bowen with out legs hanging over the edge of the grid. I really wanted to kiss him in that moment, but I never did. Not because he is straight (he is, there is no point in trying to convince me that I should try and see) but because he was radiating in that place. He was so... perfectly wonderful. In that moment (and that moment only) I loved him.
Now, not that he has gone away or that he hates me for some reason, but just because I was thinking about him. Granted, our relationship (professional and friendly personal) is completed. The chances are, I will not see him around very often, unless i make it happen... and believe me, it isn't hard. I "made it happen" for 3 quarters. But i am done chasing him. I am happy with him at the distance.
I am not sure how many people actually read this thing, or how many people care. But I am sure that some of you do. That is why I share these things. And it feels good to be honest, no hiding behind fake names or simple initials. I can just say: Cole. Anthony. Matt (McC). Brendan. Ben.

You are all... very fond memories, but, Cole; you are my favorite.

Hurricane

100 Best songs of all time.... and my favorite so far is one about a man who is falsly tried adn convicted of murder. It is great.

Hurricane by Bob Dylan

Pillars of the earth

"she knew that all men who were not part of her father's band were called cocksuckers and all women who would no go with them were called pigfuckers, although she was not quite sure - and didn't much care - what these insults really meant".

stepping up

SO, there is a crazy situation going on with my family. My mother and my brother's soon-to-be ex wife are hating each other. I am the only one in the family that is on the outside that has seen the inside first hand (I have been to the house since the divorce was proposed.). Michelle has the best view of what Franca is going through, however. Franca wants to get my mother kicked out of the house. OK, so that is not a big shock. I have no idea what is going ot happen, but I have a feeling that I am going to be putting mom up for a while. By a while I mean, a few days before I have to get rid of her. Granted it wouldn't be too bad to have her around. But, my feelings are not the ones that must be put into consideration here. i have roommates. Granted one is here far less than she used to be, and the other is at work 12 hours a day. I just don't know. What about sex? for all parties? I would not be able to have sex at my house, page is taken care of (she and tony have sex at his place), but Sam might not be comfortable having sex. That is not a major thing, but it is a thing. It represents many other things. Plus my mom is allergic to cats.

I guess I have to take the reins now. The behind the scenes work is a mole hill in comparison to what I will have to do this time.

Revisited lust

I discovered a feature on Facebook today that allows you to match yourself with your crushes. They are not informed of it, unless they also admire you enough to match them self independently. I realized how many crushes I have had over the days, and which ones still stick with me. There were a few people. I checked and saw that nobody crushing on me. I also realized something: i am not a shallow asshole. All of my matches are people that I know and think are good people. Some of them, so much closer than others. That is all well and nice.

But then I went looking for someone... and he wasn't there. He deleted me from his fiends. It isn't someone that i have ever posted about, not one of my major 5. But it hurt to know that I was straight-up rejected.

so

mat is gone
i know. nothing new.
I am OK.
My mom is in town.
my brother is getting a divorce.
I recently saw a man get hit by a car, sort of.
I am currently operating at reduced power... I mean my computer.
my hand hurts... everyone keeps making jack off jokes about it, but believe me... it has been a while... and I use the other hand.
my bobble head keeps mocking me.
I hate -- being alone.
It seems that I am alone a lot right now. I am so lonely, but i am hesitant to let people near me... I guess i am feeling hurt.

I put posting of Matt's up on the wall at work today, everyone liked it. I also put up two pictures of him to go along with it. I still am laughing about the fact that everyone keeps saying that THEY miss him. Fuck you all!! he was MY boyfriend, none of y'all are going to miss him like me. dumb-asses.
also. I printed off some other pictures today at CVS to go along with the Matt thing. the landscapes. They look nice.
that is all.

blabh blah

sobored.reallyreallybored...

whip it out and jack it

If your friend had never plunged his penis into an opening designed for something other than masturbation -- prior to walking in on your latest round of creative self-stimulation -- he probably ran home in ecstasy to discover a wonderful new world of pleasurable monkey-spanking possibilities.

I promise you

This I promise you:
I promise you honesty, even if I sugar coat it.
I promise you answers to your questions, not dodges.
I promise that I will act out of love to you , not love of myself.
I promise that I will keep you and I ahead of he and me.
I promise that I will sometimes just keep my mouth shut, and will overlook technicalities.
I promise that i will only tell YOU my feelings about him.
I promise that you can trust that I will not hate for the sake of being right.
I promise that he will not be the break down of us.
I promise that I will not try and affect other's opinions.

I do keep these promise because I love you. I really love you. Very closely. But the magic of love is that when you share it, it doubles rather than half's like most other things.

sister and page

-Editted-

I rarely edit a post, but this one was changed for good reason.

Library Card

SO, i signed up for a library card. It just recently hit me that I can legally have all the music I want for free with a library card... dumb ass.

giving alms

If you are in a good situation, and you give a little, it can mean a lot to a person in a bad situation. If you are In a good situation and give a lot, it can rock some one's world.
I have a relatively full fridge, especially after this party. During the planning of this party, I discovered that a local neighborhood boy has been living in our detached garage. We store junk in there, including a moldy old comforter, a pallet (for stacked goods in a warehouse) amid other junk. There is no electricity, and it is not clean. Guarantied mice and rats. This boy is not really homeless, he is homewardly challenged. I am not sure how we got to talking about it, but he came to us today and we spoke to him about it. I realized something, he can go back home, it might not be easy, but he can do it. Maybe I am just harder than page, but I feel that he is keeping himself in this situation. Anyway, it was 2 am by the time he left. and he asked for food. I was glad to give it to him, I had been trying to think of a nice way to ask if he wanted something in a way that wouldn't be embarrassing to him. But I think that is was page, as soon as she went in, he asked. I told him to hang tight, and I ran in a microwaved two bratwursts for him. I put them ona plastic plate so that he could just throw it away and not worry abut bringing it back in one piece. I am concerned for him, but I am only going to help him if he helps himself.

Something bad happened to one of my friends. She was one of the best of my friends and now she has cancer. I know that most of my readers won't care beyond the ideas that drift through your head while reading this because you don't know her. But I do. Now, it is not too far along, so I have good hopes for it. Modern medicine is good, so it is likely that she will be alright. She feels that she will be alright, as do I. But there is no harm in making sure that the best of precautions are taken. First off, everyone needs to calm down. That is the main problem that I have been running into. Ann’s friends have been calling me and asking if I know anything about what is going on. I have told them that I know she has had a biopsy, but I am not sure what the results are. I am not going to be the one to tell everyone. Ann is better with words, and she knows her friends. Secondly, we need to know more about this cancer. That is all for today.

hmm

The idea the run by shooting makes sense, you run by and shoot. That way don't risk being caught. But there are other run by's that simply don't make sense. I recently had a run by moment of kindness. And then it was over. I will never see her again. I gave her a date to stop smoking. It was actually page's birthday. The funny thing is... I told her I will never see her again. And she was alright with that.

passive aggressive

I am being passive aggressive in writing these blog entries, knowing that he will check them, so I think I will just tell him what they are about. That way it is not passive at all.


Update: According to my recent research, it is not passive aggressive at all, at least not by clinical definition.

Oh, and

Is it wrong of me to be mad that I am being theoretically exposed to a disease because someone didn't tell me they had another boy over and they think they caught something? I am allowed to be pissed, right?

The only reason I am not pissed is because I thought there was no disease because I assumed that I could trust him to keep safe and not put himself into a situation that would expose him to anything... or at least tell me that there is another person before he puts me at risk...

Yes. I think I am allowed to be angry.

A lesson in the absolute

A lesson on the absolute:
I was recently involved in debate about the real nature of an Oreo. More specifically questioning the fact that they are vegan as of late or for 10 or 15 years. My view is that recently they have become vegan, and the opposing view held the idea that they have been vegan for the longer period of time. I shall disclose the truth later in my article.
His opinion was based off of several websites that he -vaguely- remember visiting 10 to 15 years ago. His brief statements lead to the persuasion that these websites were not Nabisco or Kraft Foods (the makers of Oreo) but were vegan forums.

Now, let me poke this statement full of holes (simply because of his spite-like reaction when I discovered the happy median answer). Vegan-ism was not nearly as large in 1997 (the more recent side of his time span) as it is today (Reaching it's first worthwhile mention in 2002 with 4% of Americans claiming to "avoid animal products when possible" according to poll by Time/CNN and that .2% of American adults are Vegan. That was 2002, much later than 1997) But I will give him the benefit of the doubt... let me rephrase that-- I trust that he isn't lying. Now, the forum craze struck in recent years also, however Google does have it's oldest archives of a forum in existence in 1981, so I will trust him that these forums he claims to have read the fact that Oreos are vegan were in existence.
So. Those are the numbers... and they are against him.

Now, my information was much less researched: I was talking to a girl that I know. She has been a vegetarian for a few years and tried vegan-ism briefly, but still states on top of the vegan news and such. It was she how informed me that Oreos are recently vegan. That was it. I did no research. I trusted her.

I am a reasonable person, and I understand that he was just as mistaken as I was. But he was the one who decided to accuse me of being foolish for believing a one person I know rather than a whole forum of people he didn't know.

SO, This guy and I were talking recently about jello and he mentioned that it was made of horses (oh, um, by the way, it is cows and pigs. But I am sure that there are plenty of forums that will say horses if you look hard enough.) And I mentioned about the girl telling me about the fact that Oreos are now vegan and he launches (this word was considered multiple times and I decided to use it after careful thought) into an accusation that i am foolish for believing this girl. I of course get defensive because this IS an attack on myself and my friend. After a medium length conversation I was very unhappy with him. I decided to do some research.

I discovered that whether Oreos are vegan or not is dependant on where they are made.
Miami has had vegan Oreos for more than 8 years, while some places still use whey (an animal product: Dairy). So I told him my findings. And smiled while doing so. Rather than being at all glad that we are both right (or at least both within the realm of possibility) he immediately tries to defeat my source.

So. There it is. The moral of the stroy is that niether of us were absolutely correct. The difference; I allowed for the idea that he could be right. He thought I was wrong till the end.

*Oh, and a side note; Alcohol was involved in this event... but I am the one that is typing this and he is the one one -passed out (sleeping more than deeply)- on the bed after falling asleep on the couch a few times. And now he is snoring; something that he is too stubborn to believe he does, but I video taped it. I am sick of him not believing me. Maybe I will just start writing down everything that he doesn't believe and checking it. I already told him last time that i was wrong (Mash up vs. Match up). I expect it is asking too much for him to tell me that I was right once.

[Note: The name in this post has been removed to protect the arrogant-- err, I mean innocent.]