word to your mother.

and to your father, too. Now, I think it is funny.

How fast can you think?

Apparently it is such a bad thing to think evil thoughts... well whatever. The point is that you are supposed to stop the thought before it gets any worse. Well what if you think too fast? What if before you can even identify it as a bad thought to stop it, it is over... you have already... destroyed them. You find yourself looking at them in this fast moment... just standing there watching as they wriggle on the floor... nothing except unmistakable pain. There they are, bones broken, face shattered, everything is over for them... they lost to themselves. Not because they lost to you, but because they brought it to themselves.

To all my readers

"A steaming pile of crap"

She was right.

Boiler

I refilled the boiler today... it was thrilling. The system sat at 7 feet of water in the pipes, I filled it allowing for room for expansion. Basically, just around 20 feet of water.

funny thing

I received a call back from a guy that i gave my number to Wednesday before last, I thought he never cal;led me back... but he did. Two days later he called from an unidentified number,. so I didn't answer. the message sat in my voicemail for over a week and I checked it today, I heard it and went to get envelope information and it was not bale to give me the number. Lesson learned, answer the unknown numbers.

Mathew Rush aka Noah

I had strange dream last night that Mathew rush was in. First of all, I was living in the house from six feet under, and I had a strange balcony type room. Anyway, i met Noah (that was his real name in the dream)someplace in the city, the dream is slipping away. And he ended up coming to the house for that awkward dinner that the show always has where everyone is strange around the table. point is, he was a nice guy in the dream, and I am sure that the white monkey, is too in real life.
I think it is important to note that i have always found rush to be a little... ugly. and am not really into him, so the was a very odd dream.

Four little indians

Four little Indians went out to play,
one burned up in the heat, blistery.
And then there were Three.
Three little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a denim debut.
And then there were Two.
Two little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a run,
And then there was one.
One little Indian stayed in to play,
And there he will stay.

You know How I know your gay?

I know your gay because you have a fucking gay flag on your front porch...

The party

I returned from a party. It was a rough experience. I will not be returning to it again. Basically I was not having the best time because I spent so much of the time worrying what other's thought. I also had a run in with some drunk boy that got in my face for saying excuse me when i bumped into him. There was a boy that I was afraid was on something and he then patronized me and my lifestyle by asking how I liked his hair, my preferred response would have been "washed". The only other guy that was not wasted beyond belief left shortly after I arrived, and I only stayed for a short time after he parted. That means I was there for only two short times. I am not returning to that household for a party, the ones i host are much calmer.

But that is not the main point of why I had a ... less than wonderful time. It is because i was so alone there. not that I was the only gay guy, that is a minor concern, but it was because i had nobody to hold me at the end of the night and assure me that it would be OK. I will admit that there was a small amount of fear in me when that guy was all up in my face, anyone with a brain would have been worried about their safety. I decided to take a fast moment for myself and to exit the scene when I felt that I was better off not there.

Money from nowhere

I just bumped into some money today... odd how that happened. Now I am not so super poor. But I am not able to send off the checks till everything in my check ledger and bank ledger agree.

On Matt McCarren

Go ahead and Google that name, you won't find anything about him. He is a grad student here at OSU in the light department. He and I have had some friction, but never anything that would actually count as... wait. There was one time where he and I actually came to non-verbal blows, wait non-physical blows too. Uhm, he and I had a quick second where he was all upset that I told him that he was late. Basically it is a power struggle: I have told the readers this before. My desires for McCarren are strictly rage based. But there is a simple solution:
He and I have to make peace... or have some awkward physical connection. Right now, I would prefer the second option. But I would be more than happy to just be cool with him.
Next time that he says anything mean to me I am just going to tell him that I know that there is some problem between us and that I have nothing against him, so he better figure out what it is about me that he doesn't like and tell me, or just shut his trap about it.

But if he persists... I might have to just tell him why I am so pissed that he doesn't like me. in a perfect world, he never would have been such a jerk, but in reality, he has the chance to fix this. I don't know if it will happen... he will probably not be a jerk if it is just he and I, and i would never want to embarrass him in front of the other lighting people; I care* too much about him to do embarrass him like that.

So here it is, the picture of the Matt McCarren. Never before released to the public of my blog. As you can see, he is nothing special to look at, actually kind of ugly. ugly bastard... I just don't see why I have been so infatuated with him for so long.

*care= I don't really think that is the right word, but it will have to do.

also

my mother is taking a ... small toll... on the family. My pockets are far from endless, ironically, having not realized the timing of a certain credit card payment (a rather large payment) especially in light of my previous post. I will be OK, and so will my whole family, however, it is only a matter of time before Michelle starts barking at me about giving money to Jason (she has no idea how much money (as well as other invaluable things) I have already given to this cause.) and I will simply sit back and say "You are so far behind that you think your first." but not until she tries to contact me directly.
I recently had a small breakthrough, stating that I refuse to surrender power to make me unhappy to others. I have done it with... people and it is actually starting to work. Granted I still find myself counting to ten before I actually open my mouth to respond sometimes, but it is working.

13 big ones

Well, small ones. I have 13 bucks left till Friday... seven days. Of course I have cash, so no problem. But it still sucks that i can't spend any money. I will have to put off the lamp repair till I get more money
But, I am still in the black and at the end of the week, that is what matters in the checking account.

seriously?

I know that I am better than most of the gentleman out there who rely on the drunk state of others for their success. I will admit that I can show a brief moment where i am so vein as to put myself on a pedestal for having not the self control to not drink in excess, but a life that I am happy enough with not to want to forget due to black out, but yet not fragile enough to worry that it might collapse should I get so wasted with certain comrades that I don't remember it.

Don't get your hopes up

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up = It was dumb of me to expect that some guy that I don't even know if he is still in town to show up at my store today. I told him to stop by that the i wold show him how great ice cream can be when I make it. He seemed perfectly ... hopeful last night. But alas... I was wrong.

How perfectly tragic.

The moral of the story-- People don't always show up when they say they will. Not that that is anything new in my life, it happens so very often to me.

doctor

Today I sign up for somethign new in my life. I will be changing a small aspect of my life, but it might make a big change in how things are going for me. I don't know how much I want ot do engineering at all. I am done with it, it sucked when I was doing it and now i am not doing it.

complete flop.

Well shortbus wasn't recieved the way I had hoped, I suppose I will continue to enjoy it alone. There si more to report, but who would care to read it? I can think of few, but none want to hear sad things, so I will concentrait on joy. Tie dye was fun. There. Enjoy that, stick a fork init, turn it over, it's done.

The bar tender

I gave my number to a bar tender., he was cute, and seemed eager to help me, but he was eager to help everyone.I went up to the bar and asked him if I could give him my number, he said sure but in an excited way, I hope the excitement wasn't because I offered mine rather than requesting his.He likely gets it all the time, but I had the glow sticks. He was eager to give me a piece of receipt paper and a pen, but that was it, I don't even know what he did with my number, he might have thrown it away immediately.

Same faces, new lives

I have been seeing some old friends lately, and some of them have been up to new things. Rachel has changed her major, and now she is changing her life. Bryan has dropped off the face of the earth, and I have no idea what is going on. Others have been similar, falling away and then falling back. I suppose I am good for falling back to, I am very happy to catch people. yeah for catching people.

On a side note, I killed someone today, then i dragged his body down the street and dropped him on the railroad tracks. The body will be ct into two and they will never know it was me. That is what you get for saying that my hair looks silly. I also sent a mail bomb to the bookstore sown the street, they stopped carrying my favorite series, the baby-sitter's club.