ISP

Ann Rankin: Each
generation produces very few
legitimate poetic voices. It is
the most difficult of all forms of
writing. It is a gift. Like those
who sing opera or perform
jazz, very few people can write
great poetry. The I.S.P. recognizes
this, but unlike the M.F.A. programs,
they are willing to publish, if they
have faith in the poem, to let history
judge the value of the poet.


I read this and thought to myself, "Is Ann trying to validate herself, or is she reacting to the sadness that I felt when I read that a poem I wrote back in my freshman year of highschool was printed that I didn't like?" I decided that it is both, but moreso for me. She has her poem on her wall, i don't. I saw the scam far before she did. They didn't get any money from me.

asleep on the bed

So, Matt is asleep in my bed. I hate to have to wake him, but he needs to go so that we can both go to sleep. I have to do some serious classes tomorrow and he has surgery (performing, not receiving). Anyway, it all looks better on paper than in real life.
Now, more about him, for I think that he might read this, and we all love to read about ourselves. I am not sure how to feel about him. I mean, only good feelings. But there is a danger in investing emotion into someone that you know is leaving. He has sent me MFA sites for colleges in Boston. Now, this means two things: 1.) He cares right now. and 2.) He plans on caring when I am done with my undergrad.
Now, theoretically speaking. I could finish up here, and then head to Boston for MFA. But, there exists a danger on that. I have not looked into the program. I will not move to a new state just because my boyfriend is there. I can not live with him (even though this is not discussed, I think that is part of the plan??) I can not do that.
But, what will I do? Stay in Columbus, stay in college just because I am afraid of the world out there? Florida is a nice place for lighting, but I need contacts first. I need people. I can't just be a ligating designer without the rest of the group. Dam... I need someone who has done this. I need... Patrick Woodroffe (photo). Like he is on my speed dial.

how's your shitting?

So, there are 7 types of shit. here they are.

hmm

Guess who the better man in this picture is. I hated Tom for a hot mineut, after he and I broke up. It is funny how much one person can hurt another, but that is not the point. The point is, I sorta lost Tom because I ran after Paul. But, that is also not the point. I was on facebook and suddenly found myself judgeing people because I saw Paul with them at a party. Even Greg, a really nice guy that was in a class with me- then I saw a picture that I forgot existed, he and I.

nothing left

there is no remains of the powerful files that ran sheila before I deleted my restoration folder. Basically, for y'all who have not been in close contact; my computer suffered a terrible happening. I accidentally deleted the wrong thing, and formatted the wrong drive. Attempts from many programs (3-5 depending on what you call an attempt) lead me to restoring a great number of useless and unopenable files. Nothing survived. I ended up destroying not only the files on that partitian, but those that housed the unpacked files from them. There was nothing left. I lost 7000 songs, 200 music videos, 100 other videos, 50 full length movies, a great deal of software that I found on the internet over the years, and the entire last two years of schoolwork. No fun. Not to mention that I will have to search around for anyone who I gave a cd to.

Ne Me Quitte Pas (If You Go Away)

|For the long-time readers|

Matt: If you go away from me... then it will be on my terms. I will not let you run away, nor will you slip away in the night. I will not be harsh, but swift. It will be the cleanest of breaks, nothing but business. But, if you stay... then time will tell...

Dave: Should you stay away, far away. You will be distant and a memory only. You do not hurt from far away. You left in your time, but I said goodbye on my terms. You were already gone two days before the plane took off...

Anthony: If you go away, then I must tell you. You were fun to see, and fun to chase, but the loss would be so hazy that I would not be able to see it until it was over...

Matt(other): Well, shit. You can't leave. You are stuck here for a few more years... MFAs take some time... Hahaha. See you Thursday.

Cole: You are going. But, [if] you go away, then make it concrete. Be sure of the decision. Know that you are doing what is right. I know that you are on your way to the future. God Speed.

Dwayne: You are returning? Really? interesting. I hope that I get to see you. There is so much I have to update you with... and so little is made of things I am proud of...

Ben: Darling and dear. you are gone. Not in space, but in heart and soul, you have flown away, not that you were ever here. you were always gone, by default you never were near, but I am OK with that. I can accept that. Addicted to you was like a fix that I kicked in a few months. Goodbye my love, hello my friend.

---
Others.

I still hold your hand in mine when I sleep. I might dream of you. I might curse you when I wake. But you are gone, gone for here. Your heart beat is near to my chest... but it is really gone.

THe strangest of all things

The strangest of all things is when you know how to do somethign inside and out, but then one small step goes wrong, adn you can't fix it. You feel like a complete idiot. Let's just say that a young gentleman is fixing the computer of a 50 year old woman. Now, although he has done the exact procedure to his own computer a few times, he is still blown away when the procedure does not work on this woman computer. He knows the exact problem, but is unable to fix it until he arives back home. SO, at that point he will be home and she will be stuck with a computer that still has problems... until he can get back up here to fix it.

200

i was asked to send a 200 dollar money order to a guy in Canada. (well, in Canada now...) I said no.
The moral of the story... don't help crime... unless you really care about the person, in whihc case you are not helping crime, you are helping them.

Heifer

On this most tragic day, we mourn the loss of my fish, Heifer. He was a red Beta with blue tints in his tail and was very active. I will have to leave him there for now, and will clean the bowl tomorrow.

Raped

To all who have been faced with a problem of this nature. I must say one thing. People are there. Especially in a university or a school of any state. Girls and guys, if you have been raped you must realize that you are not alone. The worste thing that can happen is if you keep it in, and you put yourself into solitude. Being quiet is the most terrible thing you can do to yourself and to others.

removal of comment feature

I just recieved a pretty rude comment from a certain person who I am too tactful to name. This person, from a certain forum, has decided that my views in one thread should be held against me in another thread as well as outside of the forum. Although the same mind creates my posts in and out of the forum, this blog is not a place for people to leave hurtful messages and angry statements.
The removal of this feature will also help me to post to this blog as though I am the only one reading it. I know that sounds irratioanl, however, to is sensable. If I do not recieve the feedback, there is no way for me to KNOW that you are watching me. I assume that the three that have been here since the begining will continue to read, and that most of the people who started after I opened the pages of this blog will continue. Most of you have some other way of reaching me, if somethign is truely important send me a message.