the look

I gave the look today. I have never meant it so much. It was such an uncalled for thing, and I could only return the spite with that look. In that moment, I know that I was hated, and i could do nothing more than take it in, and put back out a distilled form of emotion.

some good news

alright, having spewed out my negative thoughts and a moral of the story... I am left with nothing better to tell the audience than my joys.
So, here is a wonderful thing that happened today.
I was talking to a girl, one who grew up in a very christian house, and she asked why people bother to live, what is the point. I told her so many different things, most of which were my explanations of great proverbs and teachings. I finished with a question that mirrored hers, "Where are you going so fast?" I told her to enjoy life, that the meaning of life is to live. When you remove all the verbs and nouns of your day, you have adjectives. These are what living is. All the senses clouding around you.
I told her the story of Siddhartha Gautama and the flower when she asked about the end of life, telling her that people refuse anything but the absolute. That if she names something, she has limited it to that.
I told her that she was very formist in her thoughts about life, not that she was drugged up, but that she was breaking it all down to something that abandons reality so much that it abandons dreams.
I think I helped her understand a bit... and i understand it more myself. It is all about believing, that is faith.

So, I close tonight with a song.
There's a place so i've heard,
where troubles souls lay in fields of green.
Nature roams free there.

I like the fact that the song is never the same...

with this ship

The moral of tonight, for me at least, is don't abandon ship if you are responsible for it...
Perhaps I stated that wrong-- Sometimes you need to stick it out till the end. I am not advocating that you punish yourself for your past (in fact, do us all a favor and forgive yourself) but i am not saying that you can just pick up and leave your messes around.
I recently saw a guy who I used to know. He never grew up, really he is almost a child. He needs to learn that people are not going to solve his problems. My mother is very similar in this aspect. As am I sometimes. But the difference is that I do something about it.

Guy at Axis II

OK, so I made a post on the 10th about a guy at axis. i heard that he is bad news, but he doesn't look like it... well, looks can be deceiving. I like to think that the raptor would stay clear of him if he were bad news. I prefer to keep the illusion that the raptor cares more about me than the people who he knows once removed... I could be wrong.
However, the raptor is not the subject of this post. A certain character in blue underwear is. hahah, you must forgive me, if you are reading this, Joel. I was rather taken with you at first glance. If your personality checks out, you might be worth keeping on my IM list.
Now, as far as the line I said before, "Turns out that he is no good". I am afraid that it might not be true. I fear that he might be a good guy, and fear it because that means that someone did not want me to see him in a positive light. This person has nothing to fear from this guy. He is a hot boy, I will call it what it is. There is nothing to fear...

Crime of necessity.

both of you

there are two of you that i know will never read this blog, so I can speak frankly. I will admit that you make me smile, both of you, and that I briefly had feelings for you both - briefly. But I see that there is nothing good in that. I am not single any more, and i am not up for random sex. To the first gentleman; I am glad that you are there in my life. You are one of my favorite customers. To the second guy. thanks for the laugh, thanks for the pleasant surprise, but you are just... showing up at the wrong time.

poor fred

Fred got rejected today, I always knew that he was a freak...
Luckily, he has no feelings and is simply a tool that i can use to frighten people. Maybe some good will come of him one day, frightening the right person. Maybe he can make a jerk afraid to be a jerk anymore. I am sure that one can assume what happened. Mr. Terri sent a note to a person, and in it he dropped a clue that allowed him to plant a seed of fear into someone else, should the need arise.
When the conversation went bad and Fred was rejected he put out one piece of information: that latitude and longitude of the person with whom he spoke; in real time... to the 1/100 of a second. (latitude-inally speaking). Unfortuntly he will not get to see the fruits of his labor...

Fianlly said it

I finally went off today, luckily I was not in class. I was outside in the hall. I just got out of my design class (a.k.a. ass licking 201). I was very frustrated by the entire process that we have to go through, and rather pissed that i was penalized for the same thing that I had lost points for the first time because she didn't hand back the assignments soon enough.
Anyway, I finally said what i have been thinking for a long time about that class, "They are just trying to justify this bullshit course by giving us a shitload of work!" and then I felt better.

I ar't the emo one

How dare you? For that matter, how dare anyone? Sex is something closed to the public world.
I often feel that I might have made a mistake in my past, one which I am afraid I am not up for discussing on the internet.
Instead I will tell you a story, which involves a lot of the same emotions (very few of the same actions) as my situation. It involves a denim bag, a pile of scratched CDs, and a boy that didn’t know who he really was seeing. There was a girl who completely lost herself and tried to regain her identity through sex of all things. Eventually meeting the above mentioned boy, she tried to seduce him, and it never worked out. She left a denim bag at his house and borrowed a pile of his CDs in an attempt to make more reasons to see him.
Frustrated to the point of insanity, he started to see her as stalking him. He eventually had sex with her, but it was not a good thing. She cried rape a few days later once she realized that the name she had created for herself was “whore”. She quickly was called a victim, and he labeled a sexual predator. There was no proof of anything occurring, except that the CDs and the Bag served to prove that they knew each other.
She never did come to a profile she liked, but he lost so much. The emotions involved are shared by my story; abandonment, lies, and betrayal. Once one party has what they want, or realize that they will not get what they want, they are gone. That is what has happened to me, a long time ago it happened, and I just came to realize it today. I was used by someone, to make them feel better about themselves. I was the only one who loses out in the end.

Admitting evil

I don't understand why people decide to admit that they cut corners to those who are grading them. As if the honesty will get them a better grade? If you manage to find the information needed to summarize a play online, without cracking a book, you do NOT write that you used internet summaries on your paper. You simply defend to the end that you read it, but it was long and you don't retain well. That ties up the loose ends and won't get you caught for academic misconduct, Mr. G.
Now, when you reach the classroom, you do not participate in the conversation, and you do not try and counter what others are saying (others who have read the book). That is a simple idea: sit down and keep your mouth shut. If you are asked for input, then you cite a very specific detail that is so trivial that it could be interpreted in infinite number of ways.

gave me goosebumps

I have to read a play for my 674 class, here is an excerpt.

IF I HAD MY WAY
IF I HAD MY WAY
IF I HAD MY WAY
I WOULD TEAR THIS OLD BUILDING DOWN.

It has to do with blacks/whites.

In reflection of Yesterday's post

The post about what it feels like to die; that was a speculation. Not a report of death. I have not, in any sense of the word, died. Neither expressly or implied. I do not know what it is to die, but if I get the chance to tell you I will.
Tonight was a different realization, about fear and what it is to be afraid. I was afraid that my fears would forever haunt me, that was the fear. Not death, or fire, or falling, or anything like that; just fear.

Expected and confirmed

I expected something to happen, and then it did. I was right... always right in this regard. Like reading a book, I knew what would happen. I fall within parameters specific. Although I did sway the convicted minds in one direction.

What are you so afraid of?

I realized that the most terrifying thing of all is the idea that fear might not end. I had a thought today that involved a few minuets of being afraid that my situation would never improve, or even return to how average it might have been before. I was afraid that I was locked into a different .. world of being. Does that make sense? or just sound stoner-ishy. Anyway, I was afraid that I had changed my life forever.. and that I would never be able to undo the damage I had caused.
Fear is nothing more than that, there is no logical reason to be afraid.. well there is reason, but it serves very little purpose. The fear that i felt about a damage to my world would not be made better by examining it. It was just illogical.
I am tired, and bed is looking nice. I hope i sleep well... I hope that I sleep nicely.

less than 30 days

in less than 30 days I have grown a lot. It started with me and Matt breaking up, went through a few different guys, and I eventually found one that I like enough to put forth an effort.
It is really a short time period, but it has a nice ending.
I feel like I don't really talk about josh enough, I mean on here. In the real world, all my friends know about him, and some have met him. But this blog talks more about the other guys in my life.

What it feels like to die

It is like someone comes from behind, and suddenly covers your eyes. He doesn't even say,"Guess who?" and then suddenly takes his hands away. But there's no one there. There's only you with a little less of yourself, just standing there.

Actually is not like there's really much to it.
It's not really a big deal, you kind of get used to it.

About the plants

I changed the plant on my desk yesterday - the other one died. Well, it isn't dead, it is sitting on the hearth downstairs. The point is that i replaced it with a hearty one. Both came from Matt, I managed to kill one (I blame it on the moving from Matt's house to mine.)
Anyway, death is part of life... really I meant to write something deeper, but it failed.

Sukassa

If you found yourself trapped in something that isn't reality, how would you feel? There is a tale about a boy who is trapped in a world that others are free to come and go from. He has an unnamed tie to the world, but it is not by choice that he stays. He is the only person who can feel pain or smell scents or anything that isn't related to sight or hearing, which is all that he others have to experience. This sets him apart and causes him to be an outcast.
I return to the question, if you are trapped and the only one trapped, how scared would you be? I would be shitty scared!! There is nothing so frightening than being alone... within reason.

Guy at axis

Went to axis with josh and Erin and saw a guy on the box. That was about it. My lasers didn't work in that small amount of fog... But i did end up seeing a very pretty boy. Turns out that he is no good, although he was hot. Turns out though, that the Raptor knows him, so I got his name. I sent him a facebook message, but there was no reply. End of story.

Digging deeper.

Run on, for a long time.
Six little words. ON the surface it looks like it means a lot, but really it means nearly nothing. Those words are just the first line of a song.
Now, this exercise shows something to the readers. Sometimes I don't mean anything more than what these words are. It is rare, but every so often I am just straight forward.
I was asked lately what the post four oer five below this one means... I don't even see how they can think there is a deeper meaning. That post is about BT and Steve. Ed might have been mentioned in there, but there is nothing deeper!

august wilson

whoa... Crazy shit goes on with this guy. I am going to be writing a paper about how he has a recurring theme of blacks returning to the south.
Oh, and about me saying things like "Blacks", "Negros", or using any other racially based term. I am allowed to do that. Deal with it bitches, this is my blog, and i will do what I want.

From ann

Dear Kevin, Your mom told me, recently, that Matt and you have broken up. Don't be angry with her, for telling me. I was worried about you. Lately, you have seemed, somewhere else. I just wanted to say that I hope you know how truly special you are. You are going to find someone, who matters. You have such an incredible life, ahead of you. None of that helps to know, right now, but I just wanted to remind you of this. -- Much love, Ann

Case closed

I had a dream last night about someone that i thought was gone from my life.
Anthony. I dreamt that i was in this school building and that there was a drop ceiling type thing. A bunch of people and I were ripping down the ceiling to expose there odd light fixtures behind them. I was in a room with Anthony and then in came this woman with hair that came down to her mid back, very curly rather auburn colors. It turns out that the woman was Anthony's mother, and some that she had some sort of cancer, I can't remember what type of cancer it was. But She left the room and I turned to Anthony, and said something about it. Then he jumped across the table at me and started to attack me... then after a few punches he started to just cry. I comforted him as he half struggled away from me. And that was all I remember.

I doubt it mean much, nothing more than I already know. I thought that I was done with Anthony, but I suppose not. My mind is still on him sometimes. Not that there is anything terribly wrong with that, he is still a nice guy. I still think about that one time in class where I started to put the moves on him... it was pretty bad. But despite that, he was still cool. Anyway, on toward the morning.

Play on...

Life doesn't stop, that is not a new message for my readers. I have come to see this concept differently recently: I can't stop to dwell on the past.
I saw a movie last night called P.S. I Love You. It wasn't too bad, but it was definitely written by a woman. There were shoes in it... Anyway, it was about a woman who's husband died of a brain tumor. She locks herself away until receiving letters for her that he left before he died. She lives on these letters for an entire year, and almost puts her whole life on hold for him. In the end she moves on, but that is not the point. The point is that she needs him to help her move on.
I moved on from Matt, and pretty fast. By that I do not mean that I went out an fucked a bunch of guys. Far from that. I started to go out a lot more with friends, one in particular (thanks Ed, you have been a life saver). I met four guys: James, Kestas, Rich, and Josh.
James ended poorly, but i learned from that.
Kestas ended when I stood back and saw the whole person, rather than just an illusion I created.
Rich ended because I stopped trying.
And that leaves one Little Indian: Josh... We will see what happens.