family pains

I wonder how much my family hurts while wondering about each other...

funny

Now I remember why i like Steve so much. He is lovely.
We went to see BT at Sugar Bar tonight, and it was great. I would have liked to have gotten to meet him, but it didn't happen. I have included two pictures with this post. See if you can guess which is BT and which is Steve.
I regret not bringing my lasers to this show, but I made it through. I was sober and deafened. There were all sorts of people jumping all around and it felt great to be one of them. Once I started to recognize the music, especially "Simply Being Loved" (one of my favorites of his) the night got better and better.
Now I am off to bed.

Fetish

everyone thinks something is hot. There really is no such thing as a strange fetish... Just because I don't think some thing's hot, doesn't mean that others are strange for finding themselves titillated.
I just had a talk with a guy who is rather vanilla for the moment. But I have a feeling; that is about to change. His personality is very much one of a guy who will let me take him to the edge of his comfort zone and then he will cross it himself. Obviously this is all just speculation, but there is no harm in thinking that I might be lucky enough to do that. Of course, we have to make it through the whole pre-sex dating stuff.
Well, about that; Lucky me.
hehe, explanation: He seems really nice and like he actually has the ability to communicate intelligently. He has a good job, and will eat anything. Also, I really think that he is open to whatever I have to offer him. I have decided to open up a bit more to him. Of course that will all happen over martinis on Sunday.

Fetch?

So very fetch...

Update due to request

I must first tell you that i am updating only because I was requested to do so... well. Alrighty, so first off.
1. I find that there is a powerful force outside of my comfort zone. Too cryptic? What I mean to say; I have always been able to get, more or less, a good grasp on reality. But someone threw me a curve ball. YOU know who you are, YOU do.
2. Do not take your foot off the dock until you have the other safely in the boat.
3. 40?!?!? You can't be serious!
4. Power comes to those that take it by the balls.

45?

This is the loudest i have had my speakers since i got the new amp.
They go up to 80, and I have never gone above 45... Dear lord.

Adam Monroe

I had a dream last night, it was very pleasant.
I dreamt that I was in my room, and I heard a knock on the door. Up came Adam Monroe, not he actor, but the character. Well, maybe it was the actor. But that is not the point, he was the nice guy Adam. And he and I started talking, and I knew him, we must have had some history between us? But I don't know what it is. Anyway, I think that he was in love with me or something... Not sure. But. There was also this hint that i was just some other guy, one of many. And that one of them was going to be flying him someplace today, so he could stay long. But, despite that guy, he still loved me. I know it all sounds lame. But then he left.

Now, what he was wearing was interesting too. I am sure I have seen this outfit on him before, I will have to review my sources. It was like a white track suit thing, only wasn't tat swishy material, it was like a cotton poly knit or maybe a fleece suit thing. It was white with light blue trim. His hair was exactly as it has always been, and his face was just as stubbly as always.

cleared and gone

I cleared him away. far away. There are always shadows that remain after you push someone out of your life. Even if they leave, or push you out. They are still gone, but once were there. So, a shadow of the time gone clings to the last breathe you use to describe them. I have completed a rather complex photoshop. That doesn't mean it took me a long time, it just was very -- complicated. More complicated than what existed between James and I; which was nothing complicated at all, for it was barely anything that existed at all.
So, Requiem for a still-born relationship. For it was dead before it ever lived.

Dave

Who remembers this guy? Dave Sproles. Nice guy. Good conversation, but he was very sleepy. That makes me kind of tired, too.

Remove

I think that i am going ot remove an app on facebook. The on e that has a rainbow flag on it. it seems to be drawing a line between gay people and the non-gay people (straight, bi, transgender...). I received some kinda-sorta-hate mail already for having it and it is doing no good just sitting there.

dream

I had a great dream last night, it makes me want to drink more often. It seems that whenever I drink martinis I have beautiful dreams. My last martini dream involved me and God, it was really rather nice (the two of us just walking around in the garden of Eden, and him explaining why people need to forgive themselves). But this dream was a bit more of this-world. I was in a theatre with Matt McCarren and Jordan Beck. Jordan and I used to have problems, but then I asked her about her past experiences and now we are nice... But McCarren.. well He is a jerk. But not in this dream. I was telling them about my fears of Grad school... and they said that as long as I do what i like, it is a good thing.
There are many things coming into effect here; "start spending your time doing what your good at, rather than all your time becoming good at what your bad at." "You should have stayed with engineering. Your stupid for changing your major" "Fuck them, we rule the world, Mr. President" and finally "Kevin, they don't know you. I don't know you, only you understand what is going on inside your head."
All these things lead to the dream. But the second part of the dreme was different. It was third person, like all my dreams, but I wasn't in it. It was Ed and McCarren. Ed was driving and McCarren in the passenger seat, and ed laughed once and said "You know, he is rather taken by you". To which McCarren smiled...
I wish more people would smile when they find out I am taken by them...

DHL or UPS

I will only be using these two forms of shipping from now on. I greatly prefer how good they are at tracking the package. I like to give business to businesses that have procedures that i like. Fed-ex is OK, but the USPS sucks. Always the first two.

thanks

thanks, josh, for not being a jerk.

obsesive personality

that is me. I need to just drop the whole idea of J and just go back to the idea of me.

Nella Fantasia

I am not easily disturbed, and neither are those around me.
There is happiness for all, and love all around.
Nobody needs the false faces that we so often must put on.
There is complete harmony between the forces of myself.
Nella fantasia.

let em explain

The stuff below is an excerpt from lakme, where a guy gets stabbed for overstepping bounds.
So, I overstepped some bounds, but there was no need for jay to go ape shit and block me and run away.

gospel according to TheRaptor

[Tuesday, December 18th at 02:47:53] well I mean I'd advise you to drop the whole thing

You suck!

Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin. Doucement glissons De son flot charmant Suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord, Où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, Ah! descendons. Ensemble!
Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble. Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin Viens, descendons ensemble
Doucement glissons de son flot charmant, suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, ah! descendons
Ensemble!

oh, seriously!

don't be like that, J.

oh, don't be such a stick in the mud

alright, suppose I upset a lot of people tonight! I asked people to tell me an embarrassing part of there past tonight.
first (and probably more importantly then the others) is Dave. Who through a series of miscommunication thinks I feel he is subservient to me. Which is incorrect, but I can do little to explain it to him, I can't even promise I understand my motives so often.
Secondly is J. Who signed off in the middle of a conversation, when I informed him that he was professing a a dangerous thing to me. Then, I called and got voicemail after two rings... which is just as bad as hanging up on someone.
Third was the Raptor, who is just a dick head. plain and simple, but he is ok with that. So I suppose that as his friend, I should be also, but I just am not ok with that.

we all get it

in the end.

Just stop and think before you go further. It isn't very deep. But it means that we all get what it coming to us, not just the bad, but the good, too. I have several great friends, and the funniest thing is; They are better people than most of the people I dated (i.e. spent the most time with). Ed came over this evening and we had a nice chat...
Well, actually, we went to dinner first, then had a nice chat where we clucked like hens till 11:30. I hope good things for him.
Then there is the other hand; those that are not the greatest of people. These people have it coming to them, too. But the world is a pretty balanced place, and all usually turns out well.
Now, in reference to what happened tonight with a --
Actually, I am not able to discuss that until it is over. Please read my next post, hopefully within 24 hours.

risk my life

Life is full of risks, tomorrow I risk it once more. And what might be my prize? I don't know. I really wish that I had a sure thing right now. Rather than falling back to what lead to my destruction three years ago (accepting a challenge for a thrill). It was terrible, but I made it through. Now I find myself faced with a similar battle, a battle to prove something to myself. I can't promise anyone anything. But i took basic precautions this time. I have an EVAC lined up, the right code words (both positive feedback codes and negative feedback procedures) as well as textual signs. I don't even know why i am risking this. My gut tells me that there is something wrong here. Rarely am I wrong about this kind of stuff... but I have made all the preparations, there is no turning back now.

Ed, you were right

Well, ed, you were right. he did come back...
And now I control the situation. But, he still has a boyfriend, and I never was one to want to play second fiddle.

You can call me...

Kevin
or
Vlad

New guy is eager?

Funny how shit happens. I ended up dancing with a new guy at axis last night, which you already know. But there have been some text messages. It seems that he is very eager to talk to me, which is exactly what I need right now. I always tend to get ... well I don't want to say ignored, but... really there is no point in sugar coating it. It seems that i often get the brush off from guys.
I just had a vision in my head of what could go wrong... not pretty.
I will post again later.

Danger

I gave my cell number to a guy tonight, and I am not sure if it was a good idea. he seemed to be going a bit faster than I wanted him to. Of course, if every boy went at the pace that I want, the gay community would --- really it would be way better! There would be way fewer diseases, and way less drama.
Goddamn!

But also tonight, Fru and I had a good time together. She had to leave early, and once she left, it was pretty lame. until I ran into my new friend...
right, friend. haha.

Devil is in the details

You really thought I wouldn't notice two line of text being out of place? You do realize I can spot when people change things from a mile away. Seriously... You could have at least replaced those lines with things that are the right size.
Realize that people only read text using the top half of each letter. And if I already knew what it said (previously) and you stuck with that rule and with basic margin justification, you might have thrown me off for a few days. But as it is, I caught it in less than an hour.

I must say, I am rather insulted.

Matt

SO, I guess Matt and I are broken up? He has been sleeping with another guy for a few weeks, and it wasn't until I told him that I was close to sleeping with someone else that I found out. SO, Jay, thanks, and also, I now hate you for leading to this point. But at least your hot and maybe one day I will just bend you over and fuck you. And I hope that you enjoy it. If not, then too dam bad.

Cheers!

toothpaste

did you know that there is titanium in toothpaste? dear lord!!
Now, let's do some thinking people. Teeth are bones, titanium doesn't seem like it would be good to rub up against them.

Jay II

This doesn't really pertain much to Jay from the previous post, but is more about the last sentence of that post.

I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

That is how I let the world see me. I limit what they see. I take the pictures from the parties I host and I rarely attend parties where people are taking pictures. I have never untagged myself from a picture, so that is good. But it is just that there are very few pictures of me that I didn't take. And very few pictures that I take aren't preplanned.

Are you serious?!?!

and to think, I really believed what she said.

Views

Hunnar betty, se asken bulli dabatrs inu manka se. Mio ennma inentri tume. Respon fo unha gratti, "I feel that I owe you an apology", manne none gratti gaungee.
I ware jubbum guangee ennte paglia. hahah!

I am really sorry, I never meant to hurt you...
But I saw this part of you, and i wanted to keep it between you and I... you wanted me to know nothing about it.

Pallet Fiur me. Nummi, dutti, always sorry. Surrey machin you.

Jay

By popular request from my friends that I told about last night... hmmm. Suddenly I don't fell like posting the pictures any more... but here they are anyway.
Part of me likes the fact that he is kind of buff, the other part likes how he is very cute. I like that he was a bit rough, but that he knew that it could have ended badly and stopped. Strange happening, though. That i will not share with others: I dare say that there's is one thing that pictures can't really capture properly. One small detail that draws me toward him. of course, there is always more to a person than what the pictures show. I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

Why on earth would I feel guilty?

I stepped back from my current situation for a moment today, oddly enough, it worked out well that i did so. I now see that I did nothing wrong last night. Yeah for me. I am still uneasy about Matt and Jay knowing each other, but that is a small matter. As soon as jay signs online, I will give him a holler.

Overture Redux

Every time I hear this song, I picture a kick line...

last night

I am not sure exactly what I did last night. I don't mean that I don't remember last night. I mean that I am not sure why I did it. I am not a weak person, nor am I a strong person with a weak personality. It is just that... I am not sure why i would allow that to happen.
I feel that I should explain before your imagination gets carried away. Last night I had a party at the house, and from there I headed up to my room. I received an Instant message. i responded and then later on, I ended up at a bar with him and then at his house. Nothing terrible happened, there was a brief moment of physical "contact", but that was short lived and I was rather unenthusiastic, so he stopped. I just feel guilty, because I didn't call Matt before hand. There was no sex, so no need to call. But. I still feel guilty.
And I think that he might try and look up some records on me, not that he will find anything, all of mine have been sealed. Luckily, he is unable to find anything if he doesn't know exactly what he is looking for.

I have run his name, and found him to have a clean record.

There is something else bothering me. He and Matt knew each other. That is the worst part... and that is the part that made me a little uncomfortable. Maybe last night was a mistake? I don't know. I would like to think that it was all not just hormones and alcohol. I am a bit lonely right now, really, that is it. I am going to act on this, but I will give it a moment to simmer. And by that, I mean I will let it sort itself out. He might not be thinking hard about anything right now, but I am.

different ghost in the machine

So, the other meaning of the ghost in the machine. That is what you call it when your computer does something odd and unexplained, often selfish. Like erasing something or putting things in an odd order.

facebook

jumping around on facebook has made me realize something: I might not know who I am am right now. but I know who i am not. I am not some crazed fag who has more pictures with a bottle to his lips than without. I do not have a single photo of me flicking of the photographer. I am not just wasting--
and that was the trigger.
I fear that I am wasting my life. But at the same time, I like my life. I don't feel like rushing out of college. Screw the real world, I like mine.

Code black

You know what that means, right?
Google it. It means the same thing as code Yellow.

flanders

he;s a good guy.