Moving on

Page and i are fine now. I will just leave it at, I think she needed some time to herself to think everything through. And in the end, she is still my friend. I will be leaving the previous posts up, mainly because I think that they are a part of history, and because it is helpful for reflection. I was very angry. So was she, but now we are not. So If you decide to read the previous posts, remember that I was very angry with her, not angry at her. But now I don't feel like that anymore.
Also, in regards to Tony in the previous posts. I had a realization on the last day of my design class. So, it was really perfect timing for page and I to get back to being friends.

Quickly reflecting on page

I am not really angry anymore. I forgive you for what things you have said to me in the past. For the mistakes you made, and the things you did in fear or in good intent. I have supported you in everything you have done, even your anger at me. But I am done supporting you in it. You are alone now as far as that goes. I don't see how you can go back to him, the guy that lied to you for months and not move past my 3 minutes of mistake.
I have done so much for you in the past, and you for me, also. But you have stopped the love, you have closed the doors all the time. I am not going to bother trying any more. When you are ready, I will talk to you, but i am not going to try anymore.
Upon reflecting an review with my council, I have realized that you have often times been a very mean person to me. That you have done things to hurt me, and ignored these mistakes. I didn't bother to forgive you, I simply put them out of my mind, and never thought of them again, never letting your past catch up to you. But today I change my tune. You are no longer going to be pardoned for your actions.
Your current state of hatred is not going unnoticed. I am not sure that you are worth my worries, since you don't seem to want to fix this problem.

seriously

"Ok, every time i see him, I want to take a sledge hammer to his forehead."
-- me thinking to myself less than 30 seconds ago.
You know what, I'll bet you are thinking this is about someone else...
You're wrong...
And I am not sure if it makes me want to hammer you even more...
And this grammatical chain is making my basic thoughts more difficult to process...


i suppose that this puts me into a certain class of insanity, the blind hatred of those that ... are of no threat-- but he is-- to me. He is very much a threat. i can't stand to be around him sometimes, but then at the same time, I cherish it more than any social etiquette allows for. He is ... grrr. this pisses me off. and I just want to do myself a favor and avoid him like the plague, so that he can never "threaten" me again. But I suppose that-- there are things I can do. like... but that would be a whale of a drastic measure, and it would be one of those -- no it would be completely reversible. He is, despite what blanks are filled in, a pretty forgiving guy... and that makes me hate him even more. Just be a bitch once in a while, stoop to someone Else's level. Don't you understand; no one likes a nice guy.
I used to be a nice guy and still am, until I started hanging out with him, and now I am just look like an arrogant prick. I am actually a good guy-- trust me on that. But in comparison, it appears that I am a jerk. Even when you and I -- fight ( you really can't call it that-- but it is categorized with all the same feelings i have when in a fight with someone) you are just so nice. You don't complain to anyone, and you don't vent to your friends (DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF ME???? I certainly haven't seen them! [actually, I have... but I don't really think it counts, we didn't actually get to talk... it was like seeing someone through glass... but having no glass there... YOU ARE THE GLASS, YOU SICK FUCK!!! GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH]) Or do they all want to stab you in the eye because you are too much of a good person!
Fuck off.
P.S. I can't wait to grab some food again, it has been way too long.

Facts of Facebook Fotos

nobody is real... nobody.

Fianlly got my insurance to work

I think i have all of the paperwork for my insurance... this is great. I Hate insurance stuff. But All I have to do is slap a stamp on it and I am good to go. They should send me a check with my refund. It would be great to get the check before Christmas, so I can buy people presents.
Which brings me to the next point.
I am not sure what to get page for Christmas. And Ann is of no help. I think that i should get her something nice, but make sure it is something that i can return or keep for myself if she refuses it. I hope she gets me something. not because I want something, but because I don't want her to be there empty handed when I give her my gift.

thought

You might not need me, but I need you.

part

Part of me is very angry, but that part is small. I wrote a letter, and judging by the way everything has been-- she hasn't read it. This means that she is content in her anger. That is ... sad for me.
... But worse for her.

Anger is not a natural state. War is not a natural state. Men (people) are only able to enter war by going into a realm of feelings that are outside of the healthy spectrum. She is outside of a healthy area of feelings and I hope that she becomes my friend again.
I will leave that last sentence as that:
I hope she becomes my friend again.

moved

I moved this blog, and it will be hidden for aslong as I need it to be.

seriously

You are so full of crap, every six seconds?!?!? get a grip woman!

These are the possible reasons I might snap at people

First degree of suffering (things that are happening to me)
1. I haven't spoken to any of my roommates in almost three days.
2. I am currently rather thirsty, therefore in a bad mood.
3. I just spilled water down the front of me, in an attempt to rehydrate.
4. I have to figure out how the fireplace was broken, then fix it. As it is now, there is likely a small gas leak.
5. I missed voting day.
6. I haven't finished reading Harry Potter and I don't really feel like doing it.
7. My crazy sister Michelle is being retarded about gayness.
8. I am falling victim to the assumptions of others.
9. I have spent a small fortune on postage to people out of the city.
10. page is upset at me.
11. I am going blind in one eye, and it is not reversible.
12. I spent around an hour on the phone to try and straighten out this refund with Klipsch.
13. My ADD medication needs to be refilled.
14. My contact prescription is costing me and arm and a leg.

Second degree of suffering (things that are happening to others that I care about, so I am concerned about them and feeling pity for them)
1. My sister is being told that she is wrong for being a lesbian.
2. Page is upset.
3. Sam is sad that Jim is leaving.
4. My boss is concerned about the walkin freezer.
5. The cat is going to loose her tail.
6. Michelle is upset because of Megan, even though it is her own ignorance.
7. My mother is feeling unloved.
8. My brother is feeling encroached upon.
9. Ann has cancer, but she is getting better. On top of that, Page dragged her into the middle of her and my situation.

Third degree of suffering (things that are happening in the world, so we are all together in suffering)
1. OSU's tuition is increasing.
2. Gas prices are on the rise.
3. The number of miscarriages is up from last year.
4. Some bitch is trying to create a democracy over in the East... alone, by the way.
5. Global warming. It is different than you think, but still happening.
6. Mathematically speaking, California is about to die of cancer... as a whole.

also

I need to figure out what to wear to this potluck tomorrow.

Free health care

Someone was talking about how much better it is that Canada has free health care. But I have heard it from many sides, from the doctors who disagree with the idea to the woman who has cancer and gets CT scans every month. Calm down hippie liberals!

Wrote a note

Wrote a note, feelin much better.

alternative

Page, if you are so worried about the security of your computer, try this:
http://www.truecrypt.org/

hmm

I am ... here.

It is way deeper than it sounds.

Network

The network has been taken down, mainly because there is no longer a need for it to be up. Page will never bother to print another thing from my computer, nor will she ever bother to look at the things that stored on sheila. She has made her computer impossible to get into (it is more of a slap in the face than actually protecting her files), and it is extremely evident that she doesn't really care to see anything I have to show her.
So, we shall leave it at the "Le Disko (Live in Studio WFNX 101.7" as the last file shared. After all, none of this would have happened if I didn't put it there... I suppose I can chalk it up to me not wanting to hide it, as if it would make it better.
She has saught the advice of others, which is good. But so have I. With the limited amount that I have told them, they seem to mostly say that i was wrong (duh, I know that). But there is one that has said something miraculously different.

Your problem started when you said something to the other person.

Rich

Rich is right. If I never let her know I knew... this would not have happened. I am not really that concerned with Tony and her relationship, The only one that I actually care about is the one between her and I. She continues to talk about him-- when i am only concerned about she and I. I would prefer that he not be told that I don't like him, frankly because that is not an accurate statement. Page is very angry at me, Tony isn't. I don't have anything to work through with him. I dislike him as little as I dislike any person who has hurt those I care about. I had him red flagged when I met him, because I knew he was hiding something. and I was right. So now the situation has reached an equilibrium; he has nothing left to hide (at least nothing that puts out the persona of hiding things) and I have nothing left to fault him for. Smug? No. I am correct.

I am not an idiot, I know that eventually she will come here to read this, I have always known that she will read these, that is why I make sure to put the things that I want her to know. I am not "planting" posts for her to read, but more so making sure that what I do write is OK for her to see. I have not written anything that I want to keep to myself, this is the Internet people... it is the lowest form of security known to man. You are better off putting it on a billboard...

strength

Give me strength, so that I can restrain myself...
There exists an extremely large amount of power in this configuration. Enough to wipe out the past history, but if I do that, it might actually mess up the current set up... because I make a call back to the history and logs of the past for a quick data call. It might make the whole system fail...
I think I will risk it.

shower

life feels better after a shower. everything looks a little bit better...

silver lining

But the silver lining?
Because I have had this disease so long, I don’t have (and never had) depth perception. This has forced me to learn how to gauge distance and depth using other methods…
like shadows and basic size comparisons. So at least lighting design makes sense to me.

Forever

It is funny to hear that you have something incurable. It might be treatable, unfortunately not in my case, but never curable. Recently I have identified with the concept of permanent, within my own body. I will eventually loose sight in my right eye. The condition can be brought to a stand still, hopefully. But not reversed. The damage is done. I fell victim to a doctor who never finished what he started... or maybe he just died... I am not sure. I thought that my "condition" was under control and stopped... I was wrong. It has begun again. my vision will never be even, as my left eye continues to over take the right eye. I also learned something today...

I do not have, nor have I ever had, depth perception.

So, My final words on this... it isn't the end of my life. I am strong person... I will do what I can to stop the degradation of my sight, but I will not let it destroy me. I wonder however... what if it happened tomorrow... if I woke up and could only see out of one eye? Is it darkness that I would see in the other? Would it be white? Or color; maybe reddish yellow like the eye goop... What if it was like never ending stars that you see when you rub your eyes too hard, or like the images burnt into your vision when you look at a bright light?

I have new contacts now... the doctor and I were able to force myself into 20/20 with my right eye... but that doesn't mean I can "see" 100% of what I should with it.

I need to date dwayne again.

Let me explain that statement. Dwayne did somethign really interesting as a boyfriend... he cleaned my room. I know that sounds kinda ... out there. but it was very sweet.

can't shake it

I can't shake the image of the killer from Monster from my head. The part where she is in the bathroom and trying to clean herself up for her date... it makes me feel that it is important to make the best of what you have... and reminds me that I am so luck to be able to not have to try TOO hard to make the best of a situation. There is no deeper meaning tonight, and nothing cryptic hidden in here. just me saying, that I know I am lucky to be in a place in my life where I am not ... stuck in a shitty situation. Really, what the hell do I have to complain about. I am loved by so many, I am not dumb, or otherwise misfortuned, I am not poor (well, that is debatable), and I am not alone. That is the most important I think. I am not alone.