Tired

I screamed my head off tonight, and now it is time for bed... after I check my email.

elderly

My grandmother was moved into a old folks home yesterday. I knew about it, but I didn't give it too much thought. Today I read the description of the place that my father sent... he said that it sounds great, that she doesn't have to make the bed, all her meals are cooked for her, all her laundry done for her... I think that sounds terrible.
I fear that I will be cast away in the end. I had a thought about what happens to gay people when they get old? They have no family or children... nobody. Alone, and there is nobody to take care of them. Of course there can be adopted children and partners, but... that isn't the norm. I am ... so afraid to be alone. I can barely stand to come home to an empty house. The moment anyone comes home, The first thing I do is dash into their room and ask how their day was. I am not meant to be alone... it makes me feel... alone. I know that sounds needy and dependant-y, but what is wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with needing people.

word to your mother.

and to your father, too. Now, I think it is funny.

How fast can you think?

Apparently it is such a bad thing to think evil thoughts... well whatever. The point is that you are supposed to stop the thought before it gets any worse. Well what if you think too fast? What if before you can even identify it as a bad thought to stop it, it is over... you have already... destroyed them. You find yourself looking at them in this fast moment... just standing there watching as they wriggle on the floor... nothing except unmistakable pain. There they are, bones broken, face shattered, everything is over for them... they lost to themselves. Not because they lost to you, but because they brought it to themselves.

To all my readers

"A steaming pile of crap"

She was right.

Boiler

I refilled the boiler today... it was thrilling. The system sat at 7 feet of water in the pipes, I filled it allowing for room for expansion. Basically, just around 20 feet of water.

funny thing

I received a call back from a guy that i gave my number to Wednesday before last, I thought he never cal;led me back... but he did. Two days later he called from an unidentified number,. so I didn't answer. the message sat in my voicemail for over a week and I checked it today, I heard it and went to get envelope information and it was not bale to give me the number. Lesson learned, answer the unknown numbers.

Mathew Rush aka Noah

I had strange dream last night that Mathew rush was in. First of all, I was living in the house from six feet under, and I had a strange balcony type room. Anyway, i met Noah (that was his real name in the dream)someplace in the city, the dream is slipping away. And he ended up coming to the house for that awkward dinner that the show always has where everyone is strange around the table. point is, he was a nice guy in the dream, and I am sure that the white monkey, is too in real life.
I think it is important to note that i have always found rush to be a little... ugly. and am not really into him, so the was a very odd dream.

Four little indians

Four little Indians went out to play,
one burned up in the heat, blistery.
And then there were Three.
Three little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a denim debut.
And then there were Two.
Two little Indians went out to play,
one went off in a run,
And then there was one.
One little Indian stayed in to play,
And there he will stay.

You know How I know your gay?

I know your gay because you have a fucking gay flag on your front porch...

The party

I returned from a party. It was a rough experience. I will not be returning to it again. Basically I was not having the best time because I spent so much of the time worrying what other's thought. I also had a run in with some drunk boy that got in my face for saying excuse me when i bumped into him. There was a boy that I was afraid was on something and he then patronized me and my lifestyle by asking how I liked his hair, my preferred response would have been "washed". The only other guy that was not wasted beyond belief left shortly after I arrived, and I only stayed for a short time after he parted. That means I was there for only two short times. I am not returning to that household for a party, the ones i host are much calmer.

But that is not the main point of why I had a ... less than wonderful time. It is because i was so alone there. not that I was the only gay guy, that is a minor concern, but it was because i had nobody to hold me at the end of the night and assure me that it would be OK. I will admit that there was a small amount of fear in me when that guy was all up in my face, anyone with a brain would have been worried about their safety. I decided to take a fast moment for myself and to exit the scene when I felt that I was better off not there.

Money from nowhere

I just bumped into some money today... odd how that happened. Now I am not so super poor. But I am not able to send off the checks till everything in my check ledger and bank ledger agree.

On Matt McCarren

Go ahead and Google that name, you won't find anything about him. He is a grad student here at OSU in the light department. He and I have had some friction, but never anything that would actually count as... wait. There was one time where he and I actually came to non-verbal blows, wait non-physical blows too. Uhm, he and I had a quick second where he was all upset that I told him that he was late. Basically it is a power struggle: I have told the readers this before. My desires for McCarren are strictly rage based. But there is a simple solution:
He and I have to make peace... or have some awkward physical connection. Right now, I would prefer the second option. But I would be more than happy to just be cool with him.
Next time that he says anything mean to me I am just going to tell him that I know that there is some problem between us and that I have nothing against him, so he better figure out what it is about me that he doesn't like and tell me, or just shut his trap about it.

But if he persists... I might have to just tell him why I am so pissed that he doesn't like me. in a perfect world, he never would have been such a jerk, but in reality, he has the chance to fix this. I don't know if it will happen... he will probably not be a jerk if it is just he and I, and i would never want to embarrass him in front of the other lighting people; I care* too much about him to do embarrass him like that.

So here it is, the picture of the Matt McCarren. Never before released to the public of my blog. As you can see, he is nothing special to look at, actually kind of ugly. ugly bastard... I just don't see why I have been so infatuated with him for so long.

*care= I don't really think that is the right word, but it will have to do.

also

my mother is taking a ... small toll... on the family. My pockets are far from endless, ironically, having not realized the timing of a certain credit card payment (a rather large payment) especially in light of my previous post. I will be OK, and so will my whole family, however, it is only a matter of time before Michelle starts barking at me about giving money to Jason (she has no idea how much money (as well as other invaluable things) I have already given to this cause.) and I will simply sit back and say "You are so far behind that you think your first." but not until she tries to contact me directly.
I recently had a small breakthrough, stating that I refuse to surrender power to make me unhappy to others. I have done it with... people and it is actually starting to work. Granted I still find myself counting to ten before I actually open my mouth to respond sometimes, but it is working.

13 big ones

Well, small ones. I have 13 bucks left till Friday... seven days. Of course I have cash, so no problem. But it still sucks that i can't spend any money. I will have to put off the lamp repair till I get more money
But, I am still in the black and at the end of the week, that is what matters in the checking account.

seriously?

I know that I am better than most of the gentleman out there who rely on the drunk state of others for their success. I will admit that I can show a brief moment where i am so vein as to put myself on a pedestal for having not the self control to not drink in excess, but a life that I am happy enough with not to want to forget due to black out, but yet not fragile enough to worry that it might collapse should I get so wasted with certain comrades that I don't remember it.

Don't get your hopes up

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up = It was dumb of me to expect that some guy that I don't even know if he is still in town to show up at my store today. I told him to stop by that the i wold show him how great ice cream can be when I make it. He seemed perfectly ... hopeful last night. But alas... I was wrong.

How perfectly tragic.

The moral of the story-- People don't always show up when they say they will. Not that that is anything new in my life, it happens so very often to me.

doctor

Today I sign up for somethign new in my life. I will be changing a small aspect of my life, but it might make a big change in how things are going for me. I don't know how much I want ot do engineering at all. I am done with it, it sucked when I was doing it and now i am not doing it.

complete flop.

Well shortbus wasn't recieved the way I had hoped, I suppose I will continue to enjoy it alone. There si more to report, but who would care to read it? I can think of few, but none want to hear sad things, so I will concentrait on joy. Tie dye was fun. There. Enjoy that, stick a fork init, turn it over, it's done.

The bar tender

I gave my number to a bar tender., he was cute, and seemed eager to help me, but he was eager to help everyone.I went up to the bar and asked him if I could give him my number, he said sure but in an excited way, I hope the excitement wasn't because I offered mine rather than requesting his.He likely gets it all the time, but I had the glow sticks. He was eager to give me a piece of receipt paper and a pen, but that was it, I don't even know what he did with my number, he might have thrown it away immediately.

Same faces, new lives

I have been seeing some old friends lately, and some of them have been up to new things. Rachel has changed her major, and now she is changing her life. Bryan has dropped off the face of the earth, and I have no idea what is going on. Others have been similar, falling away and then falling back. I suppose I am good for falling back to, I am very happy to catch people. yeah for catching people.

On a side note, I killed someone today, then i dragged his body down the street and dropped him on the railroad tracks. The body will be ct into two and they will never know it was me. That is what you get for saying that my hair looks silly. I also sent a mail bomb to the bookstore sown the street, they stopped carrying my favorite series, the baby-sitter's club.

The largest rebuild ever

I have rebuilt the files for sheila several times, but never to this magnitude. This is the absolute, no questions asked, largest data transfer that I have ever done to date. So far I have accessed over 1.3 Terabytes.

RMA RAM

I need to RMA my RAM. Hahah. funny. But the good news is that it will be free, I have a lifetime warranty for the ram, that is why I will buy buffalo from now on. Also, thus caused my computer to have problems. Long story made short, Nortac (my Titan quest player) is dead gone. I might have to just reinstall everything, because it seems that the whole game has gone crazy, the wrong screens are loading and all that.
on other news, i am pissed at myself for a few things... most involving the most diminutive things possible. I need to get back into school, I need to meet new people. I need to get laid.
Sam helped me to understand something the other night, sometimes people go out looking for things, like to get laid, and then the meet someone that they think will put out, but then that person won't put out. There is nothing wrong with being that second person.

Season 2

12 noon. Kyle XY… He has telepathy. But Deklynn is still hott. And, there are way too many turtle necks in the first episode of season two. But not enough people making out with Kyle. And Kyle’s “father” is dying. And there is a bunch of boring monologues. And Kyle is having a temper tantrum. But a happy ending of the episode.

Twice

Shiny toy guns is playing twice at LC. This si great I want to go to both shows.

case of the sniffles

I am just a bit on the stuffy side. This happens every once in a while, but I usually prefer it to happen during the morning so that I can deal with it rater than just sleep.
Also, I changed my contact solution, it isn't too bad, but I like my old stuff better.
Uhm, and I bought a new pair of scissors, they are great! I think that it was my best purchase in months.
I am expecting the shortbus DVD to come soon, I will make a copy to give to my friends so that i don't risk scratching mine.
Oh, and... I bought some light bulbs today. They are far superior to the older bulbs.

double shot

I served a double shot of espresso today to a gentleman... He recently got a haircut, upon being asked what i think I turned a somewhat real feeling into a verbal confirmation. "I think it is hot and it makes me want to do you."
Now the reality.
He saw me and flagged me down between the Yao Lee Asian market and my store. He ran up to me and started the conversation. Now, most likely he was walking around that way anyway, and just happened to see a familiar face and said hi. I invited him to the store. He got a double shot of espresso out of it, and i got to give it to him-- I think we both got the better end of the situation.

Update ona previous post

Three or four days ago I posted a very.... depressing post. About being rejected. I am sure that anyone who reads it will assume it is about Matt. But it isn't. It is about someone that I don't think many of you have met... or I could be wrong, it could be about someone who you all know. It could be about hermit or a social butterfly. There is no end to who it can be. Anyone. It was about someone, but it can apply to anyone.

Shortbus

why don't you come in and have a look? After all, voyeurism IS participating.

i used to want to change the world, now I just want to leave with a little dignity.


I am not usually one to tell people to watch a video. but this one is great. I loved it as a gay male. It is a story about people who aren't sure about things, all sexual. The end makes me so sad, because it makes you want more, but yet you are afraid to watch...

I made it beautiful.

It is halfway completed.

Rejection... familiar

Wish i could have found a picture of a guy...
I ask for less than 5 mins of you time... and you wouldn't even give me that. How do you expect me to ever want to bother even trying again. I am not going to bother next time. I will just let you float through the room, in and back out. Then I will be there to clean up the mess, mental mess I mean. I take time for you, every time you want me to, I am always there for you if you want to "just talk" But you never do. You have grown "colder"(?) ironic that I use that word? I think so.

Wait, that isn't about who it seems.

Tommorow

In 24 hours, I will make something beautiful.

Concert

Went to see incubus. I enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing the shiny toy guns thing.

seriously, get real

I was contacted by Fru. NO names being hidden. I am not giving her another dime. I coughed up 700 to her. That is her cut off. If she tries to pursue this, i have a secret weapon... Solaere Properties. Hahaha...
I have realized that Fru is not that bad, she is just the puppet in this. So, i am done hatin' on her. But her mother is ... not a puppet in this. She is the pushy one. I will admit that I was wrong to try and get out of it the first time.
Now. Let this be the end of it. I sent her proof of the fund transfer, I am done with her and her mother.

Edit: i am done with her mother. I still wouldn't mind getting lunch with her some time.

Tool

I am searching for one particular set of bolt cutters, the 36 inch ones. I need to cut piece of re-bar. That is what hold cement blocks together.

You didn't know him!!

Really, neither did I. The idea that Fred Terri might be an elaborate hoax has crossed my mind a few times. I brought a print off of his blog to work the other day. Kaitlyn loved it; she was very fixed upon the characters. Fred is very pathetic, or was very pathetic. So much so that people are starting to doubt that he is real. I have followed him from the beginning, I am not sure myself. I had a conversation with a guy, or girl claiming to be Fred Terri. A quick search leads me no place. I would have liked to talk to this pretender a time again, but they have disappeared. I will suspend my disbelief for now. I like to keep it open. But Fred gave me some good advice once, "The best things in life are free." He didn't mean that monetarily. He meant that as in the repercussions of an action. The best things in life come without hurting people’s feelings. Hiding things means you shouldn't be doing them anyway.
I think that I might reexamine Fred and me. God! If you only knew.

I know the color of the room where I can fly
take a spin to the moon and touch it
cause I am a fly
across the hottest of stars and constellations
we'll drink the star juice, cause i don't know why, I am a fly
The ranger is dead, it went to his head. we're gonna fly

I am feeling much better today

Today is looking up for me. I am going to run to the bank, the library and then pay some bills. From there I will check my financial status and might buy a jacket that i have been wanting for a week or two now, but will most likely just hold onto the money and will use it to pay rent and bills.

Aeon

In the world of 1000 men, it is unwise to kill off even a few dozen. This movie has a lot of explosions that kill people. The main character decides to fuck the head of the government, now neither he nor she can go back to their homes. dumb asses.

Oh, and then in the end she blows up the only machine that can allow for a cure.

Memo

Tonight I was reminded of why I am a racist. I can't stand it when people surprise you for the worse, and in large groups at that.

Fred terri

There is a guy that I think might have hurt himself, or killed himself. If Fred or James or i guess maybe Graham reads this, please contact me and let me know if he is ok.
his blog--->

http://noschoolliketheoldschool.blogspot.com/

Once again

Cinema disappoints me. I watched a movie. It wasn't too bad, but the ending had more death than I care to share. the main character of "The prestige" looks a freakishly lot like Jeremy Irons.

Fuck Cows!!

This poor cow got fucked. SOme teenager was randy and decided to relieve is sexual frustrations on a cow.

I started to read a story,

""Steve, man," he leaned forward and murmured in my
ear, "I found your porn links on your computer."

Oh, shit."

guess what it is about. Some poor bastard gets outted by a "friend".

I need some volentires

I need some guys with very pronounced chins to do a me a favor. I found a photo that I want to recreate. I need to basically whip up some fake cum and have two guys kissing. See the picture.

in the wrong?

I am reviewing the events as of recent. I am driven by love and caring, for the most part. In the events in question, I wholly acted out of concern. It can not be helped that I express the fear that one person puts me into by a void in communication. Should the person in question feel anything when I communicate a frustration brought on by above mentioned lack of communication, it lies on their field of emotion. I am not to be held to a higher standard of responsibility for others emotions than the ones who I am affecting with response to the situation they have created. Simple enough?

In contraction:
How is it that I am getting blamed for hurting the feelings of a guy who causes me to be worried out of my mind? Who drew first blood? Accidental? Obviously, but that doesn't cover up the fact that it is sloppy of him. He is a person of clumsy character. I already gave him his due (that is debatable) inch. He may work his way up to a mile, once he gives back an inch.

Regnava nel silenzio

Thank god that i AM a bit ahead of most of the nation as far as my hardware. I am able to record any sound that comes out of my computer, including real time music. I am so angry that Regnava nel silenzio sung by sarah Brightman is not available to me... but using what I have, a 64 bit mp3 and a 244 exagerated bit mp3 I will be able to reconstruct the song. Hahah, fuck you "regional release" people. It won't be long before i have a near CD quality version of the song.

some system rocking

Blah!!! that is a monkey jumping around. Although very loud, you would never be able to guess that he is screaming because he is tired adn wants to go to bed.
Good night Housten!!

Unstopppable

I finally did it. i found out how to activate my Microsoft office without having to talk to a person on the phone. I regularly reinstall windows, and every time I do, I have to re activate Microsoft office. I legally own it, so it is not a secret, just annoying. But I finally found out how to activate it without calling Microsoft. Go me.

Cole, a love once lost...

The following is a reflection on a guy that I used to drool over...
I really couldn't have chosen a nicer guy. Cole really was a very cool guy. He and I sat one day, rather than doing a lighting call, and talked about nothing in particular. this is my most fond memory of him; just calm. I often thought my favorite memory was when I was over at his place and I saw him go from bathroom to bedroom in a towel (12/03/06). That was a hot memory, but it crumbles in comparison to he and I sitting in the bowen with out legs hanging over the edge of the grid. I really wanted to kiss him in that moment, but I never did. Not because he is straight (he is, there is no point in trying to convince me that I should try and see) but because he was radiating in that place. He was so... perfectly wonderful. In that moment (and that moment only) I loved him.
Now, not that he has gone away or that he hates me for some reason, but just because I was thinking about him. Granted, our relationship (professional and friendly personal) is completed. The chances are, I will not see him around very often, unless i make it happen... and believe me, it isn't hard. I "made it happen" for 3 quarters. But i am done chasing him. I am happy with him at the distance.
I am not sure how many people actually read this thing, or how many people care. But I am sure that some of you do. That is why I share these things. And it feels good to be honest, no hiding behind fake names or simple initials. I can just say: Cole. Anthony. Matt (McC). Brendan. Ben.

You are all... very fond memories, but, Cole; you are my favorite.

Hurricane

100 Best songs of all time.... and my favorite so far is one about a man who is falsly tried adn convicted of murder. It is great.

Hurricane by Bob Dylan

Pillars of the earth

"she knew that all men who were not part of her father's band were called cocksuckers and all women who would no go with them were called pigfuckers, although she was not quite sure - and didn't much care - what these insults really meant".

stepping up

SO, there is a crazy situation going on with my family. My mother and my brother's soon-to-be ex wife are hating each other. I am the only one in the family that is on the outside that has seen the inside first hand (I have been to the house since the divorce was proposed.). Michelle has the best view of what Franca is going through, however. Franca wants to get my mother kicked out of the house. OK, so that is not a big shock. I have no idea what is going ot happen, but I have a feeling that I am going to be putting mom up for a while. By a while I mean, a few days before I have to get rid of her. Granted it wouldn't be too bad to have her around. But, my feelings are not the ones that must be put into consideration here. i have roommates. Granted one is here far less than she used to be, and the other is at work 12 hours a day. I just don't know. What about sex? for all parties? I would not be able to have sex at my house, page is taken care of (she and tony have sex at his place), but Sam might not be comfortable having sex. That is not a major thing, but it is a thing. It represents many other things. Plus my mom is allergic to cats.

I guess I have to take the reins now. The behind the scenes work is a mole hill in comparison to what I will have to do this time.

Revisited lust

I discovered a feature on Facebook today that allows you to match yourself with your crushes. They are not informed of it, unless they also admire you enough to match them self independently. I realized how many crushes I have had over the days, and which ones still stick with me. There were a few people. I checked and saw that nobody crushing on me. I also realized something: i am not a shallow asshole. All of my matches are people that I know and think are good people. Some of them, so much closer than others. That is all well and nice.

But then I went looking for someone... and he wasn't there. He deleted me from his fiends. It isn't someone that i have ever posted about, not one of my major 5. But it hurt to know that I was straight-up rejected.

so

mat is gone
i know. nothing new.
I am OK.
My mom is in town.
my brother is getting a divorce.
I recently saw a man get hit by a car, sort of.
I am currently operating at reduced power... I mean my computer.
my hand hurts... everyone keeps making jack off jokes about it, but believe me... it has been a while... and I use the other hand.
my bobble head keeps mocking me.
I hate -- being alone.
It seems that I am alone a lot right now. I am so lonely, but i am hesitant to let people near me... I guess i am feeling hurt.

I put posting of Matt's up on the wall at work today, everyone liked it. I also put up two pictures of him to go along with it. I still am laughing about the fact that everyone keeps saying that THEY miss him. Fuck you all!! he was MY boyfriend, none of y'all are going to miss him like me. dumb-asses.
also. I printed off some other pictures today at CVS to go along with the Matt thing. the landscapes. They look nice.
that is all.

blabh blah

sobored.reallyreallybored...

whip it out and jack it

If your friend had never plunged his penis into an opening designed for something other than masturbation -- prior to walking in on your latest round of creative self-stimulation -- he probably ran home in ecstasy to discover a wonderful new world of pleasurable monkey-spanking possibilities.

I promise you

This I promise you:
I promise you honesty, even if I sugar coat it.
I promise you answers to your questions, not dodges.
I promise that I will act out of love to you , not love of myself.
I promise that I will keep you and I ahead of he and me.
I promise that I will sometimes just keep my mouth shut, and will overlook technicalities.
I promise that i will only tell YOU my feelings about him.
I promise that you can trust that I will not hate for the sake of being right.
I promise that he will not be the break down of us.
I promise that I will not try and affect other's opinions.

I do keep these promise because I love you. I really love you. Very closely. But the magic of love is that when you share it, it doubles rather than half's like most other things.

sister and page

-Editted-

I rarely edit a post, but this one was changed for good reason.

Library Card

SO, i signed up for a library card. It just recently hit me that I can legally have all the music I want for free with a library card... dumb ass.

giving alms

If you are in a good situation, and you give a little, it can mean a lot to a person in a bad situation. If you are In a good situation and give a lot, it can rock some one's world.
I have a relatively full fridge, especially after this party. During the planning of this party, I discovered that a local neighborhood boy has been living in our detached garage. We store junk in there, including a moldy old comforter, a pallet (for stacked goods in a warehouse) amid other junk. There is no electricity, and it is not clean. Guarantied mice and rats. This boy is not really homeless, he is homewardly challenged. I am not sure how we got to talking about it, but he came to us today and we spoke to him about it. I realized something, he can go back home, it might not be easy, but he can do it. Maybe I am just harder than page, but I feel that he is keeping himself in this situation. Anyway, it was 2 am by the time he left. and he asked for food. I was glad to give it to him, I had been trying to think of a nice way to ask if he wanted something in a way that wouldn't be embarrassing to him. But I think that is was page, as soon as she went in, he asked. I told him to hang tight, and I ran in a microwaved two bratwursts for him. I put them ona plastic plate so that he could just throw it away and not worry abut bringing it back in one piece. I am concerned for him, but I am only going to help him if he helps himself.

Something bad happened to one of my friends. She was one of the best of my friends and now she has cancer. I know that most of my readers won't care beyond the ideas that drift through your head while reading this because you don't know her. But I do. Now, it is not too far along, so I have good hopes for it. Modern medicine is good, so it is likely that she will be alright. She feels that she will be alright, as do I. But there is no harm in making sure that the best of precautions are taken. First off, everyone needs to calm down. That is the main problem that I have been running into. Ann’s friends have been calling me and asking if I know anything about what is going on. I have told them that I know she has had a biopsy, but I am not sure what the results are. I am not going to be the one to tell everyone. Ann is better with words, and she knows her friends. Secondly, we need to know more about this cancer. That is all for today.

hmm

The idea the run by shooting makes sense, you run by and shoot. That way don't risk being caught. But there are other run by's that simply don't make sense. I recently had a run by moment of kindness. And then it was over. I will never see her again. I gave her a date to stop smoking. It was actually page's birthday. The funny thing is... I told her I will never see her again. And she was alright with that.

passive aggressive

I am being passive aggressive in writing these blog entries, knowing that he will check them, so I think I will just tell him what they are about. That way it is not passive at all.


Update: According to my recent research, it is not passive aggressive at all, at least not by clinical definition.

Oh, and

Is it wrong of me to be mad that I am being theoretically exposed to a disease because someone didn't tell me they had another boy over and they think they caught something? I am allowed to be pissed, right?

The only reason I am not pissed is because I thought there was no disease because I assumed that I could trust him to keep safe and not put himself into a situation that would expose him to anything... or at least tell me that there is another person before he puts me at risk...

Yes. I think I am allowed to be angry.

A lesson in the absolute

A lesson on the absolute:
I was recently involved in debate about the real nature of an Oreo. More specifically questioning the fact that they are vegan as of late or for 10 or 15 years. My view is that recently they have become vegan, and the opposing view held the idea that they have been vegan for the longer period of time. I shall disclose the truth later in my article.
His opinion was based off of several websites that he -vaguely- remember visiting 10 to 15 years ago. His brief statements lead to the persuasion that these websites were not Nabisco or Kraft Foods (the makers of Oreo) but were vegan forums.

Now, let me poke this statement full of holes (simply because of his spite-like reaction when I discovered the happy median answer). Vegan-ism was not nearly as large in 1997 (the more recent side of his time span) as it is today (Reaching it's first worthwhile mention in 2002 with 4% of Americans claiming to "avoid animal products when possible" according to poll by Time/CNN and that .2% of American adults are Vegan. That was 2002, much later than 1997) But I will give him the benefit of the doubt... let me rephrase that-- I trust that he isn't lying. Now, the forum craze struck in recent years also, however Google does have it's oldest archives of a forum in existence in 1981, so I will trust him that these forums he claims to have read the fact that Oreos are vegan were in existence.
So. Those are the numbers... and they are against him.

Now, my information was much less researched: I was talking to a girl that I know. She has been a vegetarian for a few years and tried vegan-ism briefly, but still states on top of the vegan news and such. It was she how informed me that Oreos are recently vegan. That was it. I did no research. I trusted her.

I am a reasonable person, and I understand that he was just as mistaken as I was. But he was the one who decided to accuse me of being foolish for believing a one person I know rather than a whole forum of people he didn't know.

SO, This guy and I were talking recently about jello and he mentioned that it was made of horses (oh, um, by the way, it is cows and pigs. But I am sure that there are plenty of forums that will say horses if you look hard enough.) And I mentioned about the girl telling me about the fact that Oreos are now vegan and he launches (this word was considered multiple times and I decided to use it after careful thought) into an accusation that i am foolish for believing this girl. I of course get defensive because this IS an attack on myself and my friend. After a medium length conversation I was very unhappy with him. I decided to do some research.

I discovered that whether Oreos are vegan or not is dependant on where they are made.
Miami has had vegan Oreos for more than 8 years, while some places still use whey (an animal product: Dairy). So I told him my findings. And smiled while doing so. Rather than being at all glad that we are both right (or at least both within the realm of possibility) he immediately tries to defeat my source.

So. There it is. The moral of the stroy is that niether of us were absolutely correct. The difference; I allowed for the idea that he could be right. He thought I was wrong till the end.

*Oh, and a side note; Alcohol was involved in this event... but I am the one that is typing this and he is the one one -passed out (sleeping more than deeply)- on the bed after falling asleep on the couch a few times. And now he is snoring; something that he is too stubborn to believe he does, but I video taped it. I am sick of him not believing me. Maybe I will just start writing down everything that he doesn't believe and checking it. I already told him last time that i was wrong (Mash up vs. Match up). I expect it is asking too much for him to tell me that I was right once.

[Note: The name in this post has been removed to protect the arrogant-- err, I mean innocent.]

Zoo!!

So, we went to the zoo today. It was lovely. Sam, Matt and myself all went. Sam had a coupon, so we got in for half price. When we went in, we had a great time. It seems that the most amazing for Matt were the fish. I think that is-- well I don't know, but I guess it is interesting. He seemed extremely fascinated by one fish in particular. And his cause was not because it was beautiful. It was actually because he found it ugly. it had a antenna on it's head and it reminded him of an Edsel (sp?). I am not surprised by the fact that it is was the ugliest. That is very Matt of him to choose that one.
Oh, and Sam liked the monkeys. I liked the lion. I am not sure why.

classes

Birth Certificate

SO, I need a new copy of my birth certifificate. Not a big deal, actually a very small deal. I have neo dead line, and all I have to do is go to

Ohio Department of Health
Vital Statistics
225 Neilston Street (Walk-in service)
Columbus, Ohio 43215
Phone: (614) 466-2531
9 a.m. to 3 p.m.

you know

I am just so sick of people cancelling plans. I am tired of it. I am going to start cancelling. I started today.

P.S.

Oh, and I solved the mystery of the missing towel... but I am not going to tell you where it was... The nose knows.

R

I have had an interesting reaction to my current situation. A little background: I am forced to be surrounded by someone who makes me want to rip my face off. He is no better than I, and in fact, there are so many ways that I blow him out of the water. I am not going to be cocky enough to say that he hasn't gotten me beat in some aspects, but I am sure that there is a major difference in the quality of the persons herein mentioned. I care about people, as all people care about fellow human beings. And regardless of my cares for the life of my "enemies" i find this particular gentleman grinding on my last nerve. I do not write to entertain, I mainly write to help myself discover the truth about a situation, and the more I examine the situation, the less I feel I should have to be around person R. Now, I do realize that i benefit from having him around. i have to do less work to accomplish the same tasks with or without him. So, it isn't bad having him around to do some of the work, but that is no reason for him to feel that he can walk all over my pride and personal fortitude.
I never got to see his application, but I know that he looks good on paper, he has experience and all that. He knows what he is doing in life in general, and he has a long list of work history, but, that doesn't mean that he is a good person. or the right person for the job... that is the best way I have said it, "I am [not even] sure he is a good person, just not the right guy for the job." I think we need to get rid of him. And most people that I talk to agree.
But I must admit, I have gained from this person. I have definitely taken more from the relationship (can you call it that?) than he has. that makes me a interesting person. It is not that I am maliciously using him, but i have allowed him to give of himself. So, i help him be a better person... interesting how I can turn anything any way I want...

bobble head

So I am watching my bobble head Edgar Poe. It is nice. That is all.

http://doyourememberlove.com

This video sucks. Some probably would like it. But I just got yelled at on the forum for commenting that i remember love... and that it wasn't a dog.

I know that love is blind.
And that it is forgiving.
And that love will conquer all.
That Love is all inclusive.
Love can't be stopped.
It is timeless.
Love takes the strong and brings them to their knees.
It is a force that shouldn't be reckoned with, and can't be beaten.
It is the reason people do that crazy things they do.

that was my post, and I posted before i watched the video. (i was not in a place to watch it.)

Now that I have seen it, I say it sucks.

Page would provably like the video, but I know that she understands that people are more important than dogs.

Why I am better than you

Not you, but some people. I have realized something. i have pictures on face book that are of me and of others. duh. But others only have pictures of them doing things that pertain to their major. They have friends, but only friends that are in their department, therefore am not my friend, even if we are in the same department. I am speaking about A certain theatre student. This person goes to every single cast party and ever single show that OSU touches. and it is because of this that so many think she has a booming social life, myself included until recently. but then I realized that she will be one of those people that is so alive right now, but then just a creepy person after that. I on the other hand have been making connections with real people that are outside of this university. Dome are theatre people, like John of LDT. while others are real people like ice cream makers. This girl even works in the theatre department. She will be so very lost come graduation.

Rock DJ

Robbie Williams id very good in this video. I Must say, it isn't just because he is hot and naked. He is silly, sort of. He actually does something amazing; he dances really well. REALLY WELL. Look at it, there is no sign of choreography. Amazing.

opera

this short hits every aspect of opera. Even the last words by bugs bunny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D74Bk3uvGj4

Donations

I like me. I think I am talented. I lit a prom this weekend, it was nice. Nothing burnt out or blew up. End of story.

What?

I am so tired, I don't know why. It is just that I am exhausted. maybe I should just go to sleep. I think i will. I am supposed to wait for Matt, but I just can't make it. I am going to send him a message to tell him to let himself in and just come up stairs,. Nadine isn't here so she won't bark.

what's the difference?

I am currently in the computer lab at school and I just witnessed a normality. There was a knock on the door that all the people ignored. The door has a security card reader so that only authorized people can enter the lab. You swipe your buckeye D to gain entrance. SO, nobody moved. Then the only grad student in the whole lab gets up to open the door, bitching about how you are supposed to bring your buckeye D to use the lab. Then he opens the door and it is another grad student. He doesn't say a word.

I know this sounds trivial, but it is a a constant theme of this drama department. The grad students think they are better than the undergrads. I can't stand it. Not because I am an undergrad, but because I am a decent person. I treat everyone with equal ideals.

Moral: if you are going to trash someone, at least make sure they are who you think they are... What? Did you think I was going to say something nice about loving all people?

let the poison out.

I know that is strange title. But I feel that it is accurate. i have a lot of bad things going on in my life at this exact moment. i mean professionally and emotionally. I have no choice but to let it all bleed out of me. I am afraid for my friends. I am afraid for my loved ones, and I am afraid that I will never get the chance to make them feel better. I mean I can make them feel better, but I can't fix their problems. Perhaps this can be linked to my earlier philosophy that they a re their problems, they must deal with them. I hate to leave them on the sidelines, but I have no choice.

Rough time at work

I worked today, and for once Denise wasn't on my back. But I had to deal with shit from one of my coworkers. I am ok with that, but i just feel like I handled the situation poorly. I did nothing wrong, but I am not sure...

New outlooks bring discoveries

A friend of mine had a mental break down today, I did not witness anything, but I imagine it must have been pretty rough. The beautiful thing is that this has brought on a new idea of self belief. The words that stuck with me after I stood up from the couch where this: "don't fucking shit on my confidence, bitch!" Although they were not spoken by her, they were for her. Let me rephrase that, she was told them in order to help cheer up by a friend. Now. This lead into a conversation where both parties discovered that they are pretty much good people. That has always been obvious to me. But it is very different to see that for yourself. It is good.

Moral: Remember, you are your best ally.

I wrote about needing time 15 days ago.. guess I fail.

My matt free night

my Matt free night was a complete failure. I supposedly was supposed to hang with Matt tonight, I don't remember agreeing to it, but it sounds like something i would agree to. Anyway, I get a text message with him bitching about being alone and I am not in the mood for this, especially because I just am not. After a long phone conversation I feel like we have made no progress towards anything, mainly because we weren't talking about anything. just a lot of nothing. SO, Matt is pissed off (because I forgot and am not about to sacrifice myself at an alter out of regret and sorry-ness), I am pissed off because I have gotten the worst parts of Matt not being here (his sadness and the empty spot in bed), and now i have to wait for my phone to charge before I go to bed.
This sucks. I am alone and pissed off, and Matt is alone and sad. I realize something.
Matt puts more effort into the relationship, but he is a lot more dependant on it, so it works out. I am sure he will read this, and later I will regret writing it, but to dam bad. I am pissed, and i shouldn't post when I am pissed.

I decided not to go to class today

I stayed in bed. It was lovely. I really didn't want to go to my movement class. And then i realized that i probably wouldn't die for not going to my Italian class either. SO instead I stayed home and played a video game. It was a welcome change from being mentally sculpted all day long.

Come once more?

Why do people feel it acceptable to whisper so softly when they need to be heard. The sharing of time-sensitive information does not call for a whisper.
Also... people who assume that they can center my every moment around them. There is never a calling for that. How on earth does that make sense.
I recently had an argument with someone, and I really don't think that anybody was right. Really we were both wrong... but, in different ways.
He was wrong for assuming that i could drop everything. And wrong for assuming that my completion of one task means that my entire night was free.
I was wrong for snapping at him when he called all excited about dinner. And then again when he wanted me to come for dinner.
Now, I have made sure to make him sound like the better person in this, because he really is a pretty good guy... but seriously-- I need time to myself sometimes... even if I don't give him prior notice of the subject.

New books

So, there is an advantage of new books, this particular workbook is so new that it actually mentions Lebrawn James...

Heheh, shut up linx.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjpn3L3bSJQ

Small miracles

Thank God for small gifts.
My Italian teacher is supper hot. And the fact that he speaks Italian makes it even better. I kinda want to do well, and just go to his office hours to chat... or have a "good" time. But more likely to just chat.
Also, I got my income tax return check back and I took care of something that I have been trying to get off my back for a while. Now I can go back to being friends.

actions?

why do we do what we do?
I was in the book store today, adn I had to make an exchange. Basically what happened is that I had both my money and the new book in my hands and a recipt that said it had been paid for. I had a vision of how simple it would be to just walk out and call it a day. But I went up to a counter and paid.
Obvously I did the right thing.
But, why did I do it?
Was it becasue I knew it was wrong and wanted to have a clean conciounce? Or was it becasue I was afrid I would have gotten caught? I really don't know. But it doesn't matter, i paid and that was that.

The moral--
some times intentions count. Other times actions count. In the case of criminal acts, it is far more one than the other.

Cook Out

SO, Sam and Page returned from spring break today. It was nice having them back, page brought a very cool lamp which I put up. Also, I decided that we should have a cook out tonight for their return. This is a big thing because it is different than most happening in this household. I made a decision. That never happens. There was the three of us, Matt (BF), Alexia, and James. Now, a short bio about the above.

Me- If you don't know who I am , you need to step back from the site.
Page- Same as above, the roommate and friend.
Sam- Roommie number 2
Alexia- Laughy girl who is the best friend of Sam and a family friend.
Matt- my boyfriend, who I am trying to spend time with before he leaves for Boston.
James- Sam's guy. He isn't her boyfriend, but there is more than just friendship there.

Now, it was nice to have them all over. Matt brought coals for the grill, and everything else was brought out by others... except me.
That is not a new trend. I tend to be the taker in this house. I take from the others, let me rephrase, they all tend to provide... kinda pathetic of me? yes.

Moral of the story--
those who love you are happy to care for you, as well as care about you.

The crab spider

I had a very interesting dream last night.
I dreamt that I was in my room and for some strange reason Matt (other) was also there. Now, the strange thing that happened was that Matt was speaking very softly, and telling me that he has some strange fantasy about me and an blah, blah, blah...
and then in come all these crab/spider things (it looked exactly like this crab, but was more sticklike and more brownish). And I end up killing one and then another gets hit by a car.

i know that is a strange dream, but I looked up what the crabs mean--

To see a crab in your dream, signifies you perseverance and tenacity. On an extreme note, you maybe be too clingy and dependant and hanging on to a hopeless endeavor.

Interesting. I think it odd that he should appear in this dream, after all, I assume that the sexual desire that I have for him to be a power struggle, but, what he said and all that other stuff leads me to believe that it is a an emotional thing.
I think it best to not do anything that might compromise a professional relationship.

Moral of the story--
When you think you know a relationship, you are dead wrong. Relationships will surprise you. And the best you can hope for is the sweet end of the lollipop.

opinions?

Which one is best?

the birth of a land

I am starting a new project... panorama.
That is not as easy as it seems. It requires a seemless blending of two pictures that are created independantly and linked by me writting numbers down on a post it (or two).Here is the first render.

walk on water

an older remix I did a while ago.
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/3/20/907375/Dragonstea%20Din%20Tei%20(Trece%20Mix).mp3

Numba numba

I made this in the middle of the night and just finished the re-render this morning, so here is the final song.

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/3/20/907375/Dragonstea%20Din%20Tei%20(Trece%20Mix).mp3

Xmod

http://www.x-fi.com/products/xmod/feature.asp
go ahead and click it.

singing

I like my singers a certain way.
I like my men to sing slowly and in a low octive, but powerfully.
I like my women to sing high and powerfully, speed doesn't matter.

that is just what i like.

lyrics

take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise.
--wait...
Give me your hand, I'm accustomed in reality.

I haven't been sleeping much lately, but the sleep I do get has been plagued by bad dreams. mainly dreams where normal things i do are multiplied to terrible tasks. Yes, I have nightmares about errands and housework. I had a dream a few days ago where Nadine had chewed her leg off and I wanted to hide it from page so I tried to clean up the leg in the middle of the living room. luckily, the leg was pretty much one piece. I also had a night terror that I was in the bank and they told me that someone had robbed the bank, but only took the money from my account so FDIC won't cover the robbery... it was odd to say the least.
Oh, and the one where my laundry kept catching fire in the dryer... that one was odd. The air from the blowing dryer kept stuff burning and destroyed all my clothes (I magically made all my laundry fit into the dryer in one load... probably why it caught fire.)