Expected and confirmed

I expected something to happen, and then it did. I was right... always right in this regard. Like reading a book, I knew what would happen. I fall within parameters specific. Although I did sway the convicted minds in one direction.

What are you so afraid of?

I realized that the most terrifying thing of all is the idea that fear might not end. I had a thought today that involved a few minuets of being afraid that my situation would never improve, or even return to how average it might have been before. I was afraid that I was locked into a different .. world of being. Does that make sense? or just sound stoner-ishy. Anyway, I was afraid that I had changed my life forever.. and that I would never be able to undo the damage I had caused.
Fear is nothing more than that, there is no logical reason to be afraid.. well there is reason, but it serves very little purpose. The fear that i felt about a damage to my world would not be made better by examining it. It was just illogical.
I am tired, and bed is looking nice. I hope i sleep well... I hope that I sleep nicely.

less than 30 days

in less than 30 days I have grown a lot. It started with me and Matt breaking up, went through a few different guys, and I eventually found one that I like enough to put forth an effort.
It is really a short time period, but it has a nice ending.
I feel like I don't really talk about josh enough, I mean on here. In the real world, all my friends know about him, and some have met him. But this blog talks more about the other guys in my life.

What it feels like to die

It is like someone comes from behind, and suddenly covers your eyes. He doesn't even say,"Guess who?" and then suddenly takes his hands away. But there's no one there. There's only you with a little less of yourself, just standing there.

Actually is not like there's really much to it.
It's not really a big deal, you kind of get used to it.

About the plants

I changed the plant on my desk yesterday - the other one died. Well, it isn't dead, it is sitting on the hearth downstairs. The point is that i replaced it with a hearty one. Both came from Matt, I managed to kill one (I blame it on the moving from Matt's house to mine.)
Anyway, death is part of life... really I meant to write something deeper, but it failed.

Sukassa

If you found yourself trapped in something that isn't reality, how would you feel? There is a tale about a boy who is trapped in a world that others are free to come and go from. He has an unnamed tie to the world, but it is not by choice that he stays. He is the only person who can feel pain or smell scents or anything that isn't related to sight or hearing, which is all that he others have to experience. This sets him apart and causes him to be an outcast.
I return to the question, if you are trapped and the only one trapped, how scared would you be? I would be shitty scared!! There is nothing so frightening than being alone... within reason.

Guy at axis

Went to axis with josh and Erin and saw a guy on the box. That was about it. My lasers didn't work in that small amount of fog... But i did end up seeing a very pretty boy. Turns out that he is no good, although he was hot. Turns out though, that the Raptor knows him, so I got his name. I sent him a facebook message, but there was no reply. End of story.

Digging deeper.

Run on, for a long time.
Six little words. ON the surface it looks like it means a lot, but really it means nearly nothing. Those words are just the first line of a song.
Now, this exercise shows something to the readers. Sometimes I don't mean anything more than what these words are. It is rare, but every so often I am just straight forward.
I was asked lately what the post four oer five below this one means... I don't even see how they can think there is a deeper meaning. That post is about BT and Steve. Ed might have been mentioned in there, but there is nothing deeper!

august wilson

whoa... Crazy shit goes on with this guy. I am going to be writing a paper about how he has a recurring theme of blacks returning to the south.
Oh, and about me saying things like "Blacks", "Negros", or using any other racially based term. I am allowed to do that. Deal with it bitches, this is my blog, and i will do what I want.

From ann

Dear Kevin, Your mom told me, recently, that Matt and you have broken up. Don't be angry with her, for telling me. I was worried about you. Lately, you have seemed, somewhere else. I just wanted to say that I hope you know how truly special you are. You are going to find someone, who matters. You have such an incredible life, ahead of you. None of that helps to know, right now, but I just wanted to remind you of this. -- Much love, Ann

Case closed

I had a dream last night about someone that i thought was gone from my life.
Anthony. I dreamt that i was in this school building and that there was a drop ceiling type thing. A bunch of people and I were ripping down the ceiling to expose there odd light fixtures behind them. I was in a room with Anthony and then in came this woman with hair that came down to her mid back, very curly rather auburn colors. It turns out that the woman was Anthony's mother, and some that she had some sort of cancer, I can't remember what type of cancer it was. But She left the room and I turned to Anthony, and said something about it. Then he jumped across the table at me and started to attack me... then after a few punches he started to just cry. I comforted him as he half struggled away from me. And that was all I remember.

I doubt it mean much, nothing more than I already know. I thought that I was done with Anthony, but I suppose not. My mind is still on him sometimes. Not that there is anything terribly wrong with that, he is still a nice guy. I still think about that one time in class where I started to put the moves on him... it was pretty bad. But despite that, he was still cool. Anyway, on toward the morning.

Play on...

Life doesn't stop, that is not a new message for my readers. I have come to see this concept differently recently: I can't stop to dwell on the past.
I saw a movie last night called P.S. I Love You. It wasn't too bad, but it was definitely written by a woman. There were shoes in it... Anyway, it was about a woman who's husband died of a brain tumor. She locks herself away until receiving letters for her that he left before he died. She lives on these letters for an entire year, and almost puts her whole life on hold for him. In the end she moves on, but that is not the point. The point is that she needs him to help her move on.
I moved on from Matt, and pretty fast. By that I do not mean that I went out an fucked a bunch of guys. Far from that. I started to go out a lot more with friends, one in particular (thanks Ed, you have been a life saver). I met four guys: James, Kestas, Rich, and Josh.
James ended poorly, but i learned from that.
Kestas ended when I stood back and saw the whole person, rather than just an illusion I created.
Rich ended because I stopped trying.
And that leaves one Little Indian: Josh... We will see what happens.

family pains

I wonder how much my family hurts while wondering about each other...

funny

Now I remember why i like Steve so much. He is lovely.
We went to see BT at Sugar Bar tonight, and it was great. I would have liked to have gotten to meet him, but it didn't happen. I have included two pictures with this post. See if you can guess which is BT and which is Steve.
I regret not bringing my lasers to this show, but I made it through. I was sober and deafened. There were all sorts of people jumping all around and it felt great to be one of them. Once I started to recognize the music, especially "Simply Being Loved" (one of my favorites of his) the night got better and better.
Now I am off to bed.

Fetish

everyone thinks something is hot. There really is no such thing as a strange fetish... Just because I don't think some thing's hot, doesn't mean that others are strange for finding themselves titillated.
I just had a talk with a guy who is rather vanilla for the moment. But I have a feeling; that is about to change. His personality is very much one of a guy who will let me take him to the edge of his comfort zone and then he will cross it himself. Obviously this is all just speculation, but there is no harm in thinking that I might be lucky enough to do that. Of course, we have to make it through the whole pre-sex dating stuff.
Well, about that; Lucky me.
hehe, explanation: He seems really nice and like he actually has the ability to communicate intelligently. He has a good job, and will eat anything. Also, I really think that he is open to whatever I have to offer him. I have decided to open up a bit more to him. Of course that will all happen over martinis on Sunday.

Fetch?

So very fetch...

Update due to request

I must first tell you that i am updating only because I was requested to do so... well. Alrighty, so first off.
1. I find that there is a powerful force outside of my comfort zone. Too cryptic? What I mean to say; I have always been able to get, more or less, a good grasp on reality. But someone threw me a curve ball. YOU know who you are, YOU do.
2. Do not take your foot off the dock until you have the other safely in the boat.
3. 40?!?!? You can't be serious!
4. Power comes to those that take it by the balls.

45?

This is the loudest i have had my speakers since i got the new amp.
They go up to 80, and I have never gone above 45... Dear lord.

Adam Monroe

I had a dream last night, it was very pleasant.
I dreamt that I was in my room, and I heard a knock on the door. Up came Adam Monroe, not he actor, but the character. Well, maybe it was the actor. But that is not the point, he was the nice guy Adam. And he and I started talking, and I knew him, we must have had some history between us? But I don't know what it is. Anyway, I think that he was in love with me or something... Not sure. But. There was also this hint that i was just some other guy, one of many. And that one of them was going to be flying him someplace today, so he could stay long. But, despite that guy, he still loved me. I know it all sounds lame. But then he left.

Now, what he was wearing was interesting too. I am sure I have seen this outfit on him before, I will have to review my sources. It was like a white track suit thing, only wasn't tat swishy material, it was like a cotton poly knit or maybe a fleece suit thing. It was white with light blue trim. His hair was exactly as it has always been, and his face was just as stubbly as always.

cleared and gone

I cleared him away. far away. There are always shadows that remain after you push someone out of your life. Even if they leave, or push you out. They are still gone, but once were there. So, a shadow of the time gone clings to the last breathe you use to describe them. I have completed a rather complex photoshop. That doesn't mean it took me a long time, it just was very -- complicated. More complicated than what existed between James and I; which was nothing complicated at all, for it was barely anything that existed at all.
So, Requiem for a still-born relationship. For it was dead before it ever lived.

Dave

Who remembers this guy? Dave Sproles. Nice guy. Good conversation, but he was very sleepy. That makes me kind of tired, too.

Remove

I think that i am going ot remove an app on facebook. The on e that has a rainbow flag on it. it seems to be drawing a line between gay people and the non-gay people (straight, bi, transgender...). I received some kinda-sorta-hate mail already for having it and it is doing no good just sitting there.

dream

I had a great dream last night, it makes me want to drink more often. It seems that whenever I drink martinis I have beautiful dreams. My last martini dream involved me and God, it was really rather nice (the two of us just walking around in the garden of Eden, and him explaining why people need to forgive themselves). But this dream was a bit more of this-world. I was in a theatre with Matt McCarren and Jordan Beck. Jordan and I used to have problems, but then I asked her about her past experiences and now we are nice... But McCarren.. well He is a jerk. But not in this dream. I was telling them about my fears of Grad school... and they said that as long as I do what i like, it is a good thing.
There are many things coming into effect here; "start spending your time doing what your good at, rather than all your time becoming good at what your bad at." "You should have stayed with engineering. Your stupid for changing your major" "Fuck them, we rule the world, Mr. President" and finally "Kevin, they don't know you. I don't know you, only you understand what is going on inside your head."
All these things lead to the dream. But the second part of the dreme was different. It was third person, like all my dreams, but I wasn't in it. It was Ed and McCarren. Ed was driving and McCarren in the passenger seat, and ed laughed once and said "You know, he is rather taken by you". To which McCarren smiled...
I wish more people would smile when they find out I am taken by them...

DHL or UPS

I will only be using these two forms of shipping from now on. I greatly prefer how good they are at tracking the package. I like to give business to businesses that have procedures that i like. Fed-ex is OK, but the USPS sucks. Always the first two.

thanks

thanks, josh, for not being a jerk.

obsesive personality

that is me. I need to just drop the whole idea of J and just go back to the idea of me.

Nella Fantasia

I am not easily disturbed, and neither are those around me.
There is happiness for all, and love all around.
Nobody needs the false faces that we so often must put on.
There is complete harmony between the forces of myself.
Nella fantasia.

let em explain

The stuff below is an excerpt from lakme, where a guy gets stabbed for overstepping bounds.
So, I overstepped some bounds, but there was no need for jay to go ape shit and block me and run away.

gospel according to TheRaptor

[Tuesday, December 18th at 02:47:53] well I mean I'd advise you to drop the whole thing

You suck!

Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin. Doucement glissons De son flot charmant Suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord, Où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, Ah! descendons. Ensemble!
Sous le dôme épais où le blanc jasmin a la rose s'assemble. Sur la rive en fleurs riant au matin Viens, descendons ensemble
Doucement glissons de son flot charmant, suivons le courant fuyant. Dans l'onde frémissante d'une main nonchalante. Viens, gagnons le bord où la source dort et l'oiseau, l'oiseau chante.
Sous le dôme épais ou le blanc jasmin, ah! descendons
Ensemble!

oh, seriously!

don't be like that, J.

oh, don't be such a stick in the mud

alright, suppose I upset a lot of people tonight! I asked people to tell me an embarrassing part of there past tonight.
first (and probably more importantly then the others) is Dave. Who through a series of miscommunication thinks I feel he is subservient to me. Which is incorrect, but I can do little to explain it to him, I can't even promise I understand my motives so often.
Secondly is J. Who signed off in the middle of a conversation, when I informed him that he was professing a a dangerous thing to me. Then, I called and got voicemail after two rings... which is just as bad as hanging up on someone.
Third was the Raptor, who is just a dick head. plain and simple, but he is ok with that. So I suppose that as his friend, I should be also, but I just am not ok with that.

we all get it

in the end.

Just stop and think before you go further. It isn't very deep. But it means that we all get what it coming to us, not just the bad, but the good, too. I have several great friends, and the funniest thing is; They are better people than most of the people I dated (i.e. spent the most time with). Ed came over this evening and we had a nice chat...
Well, actually, we went to dinner first, then had a nice chat where we clucked like hens till 11:30. I hope good things for him.
Then there is the other hand; those that are not the greatest of people. These people have it coming to them, too. But the world is a pretty balanced place, and all usually turns out well.
Now, in reference to what happened tonight with a --
Actually, I am not able to discuss that until it is over. Please read my next post, hopefully within 24 hours.

risk my life

Life is full of risks, tomorrow I risk it once more. And what might be my prize? I don't know. I really wish that I had a sure thing right now. Rather than falling back to what lead to my destruction three years ago (accepting a challenge for a thrill). It was terrible, but I made it through. Now I find myself faced with a similar battle, a battle to prove something to myself. I can't promise anyone anything. But i took basic precautions this time. I have an EVAC lined up, the right code words (both positive feedback codes and negative feedback procedures) as well as textual signs. I don't even know why i am risking this. My gut tells me that there is something wrong here. Rarely am I wrong about this kind of stuff... but I have made all the preparations, there is no turning back now.

Ed, you were right

Well, ed, you were right. he did come back...
And now I control the situation. But, he still has a boyfriend, and I never was one to want to play second fiddle.

You can call me...

Kevin
or
Vlad

New guy is eager?

Funny how shit happens. I ended up dancing with a new guy at axis last night, which you already know. But there have been some text messages. It seems that he is very eager to talk to me, which is exactly what I need right now. I always tend to get ... well I don't want to say ignored, but... really there is no point in sugar coating it. It seems that i often get the brush off from guys.
I just had a vision in my head of what could go wrong... not pretty.
I will post again later.

Danger

I gave my cell number to a guy tonight, and I am not sure if it was a good idea. he seemed to be going a bit faster than I wanted him to. Of course, if every boy went at the pace that I want, the gay community would --- really it would be way better! There would be way fewer diseases, and way less drama.
Goddamn!

But also tonight, Fru and I had a good time together. She had to leave early, and once she left, it was pretty lame. until I ran into my new friend...
right, friend. haha.

Devil is in the details

You really thought I wouldn't notice two line of text being out of place? You do realize I can spot when people change things from a mile away. Seriously... You could have at least replaced those lines with things that are the right size.
Realize that people only read text using the top half of each letter. And if I already knew what it said (previously) and you stuck with that rule and with basic margin justification, you might have thrown me off for a few days. But as it is, I caught it in less than an hour.

I must say, I am rather insulted.

Matt

SO, I guess Matt and I are broken up? He has been sleeping with another guy for a few weeks, and it wasn't until I told him that I was close to sleeping with someone else that I found out. SO, Jay, thanks, and also, I now hate you for leading to this point. But at least your hot and maybe one day I will just bend you over and fuck you. And I hope that you enjoy it. If not, then too dam bad.

Cheers!

toothpaste

did you know that there is titanium in toothpaste? dear lord!!
Now, let's do some thinking people. Teeth are bones, titanium doesn't seem like it would be good to rub up against them.

Jay II

This doesn't really pertain much to Jay from the previous post, but is more about the last sentence of that post.

I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

That is how I let the world see me. I limit what they see. I take the pictures from the parties I host and I rarely attend parties where people are taking pictures. I have never untagged myself from a picture, so that is good. But it is just that there are very few pictures of me that I didn't take. And very few pictures that I take aren't preplanned.

Are you serious?!?!

and to think, I really believed what she said.

Views

Hunnar betty, se asken bulli dabatrs inu manka se. Mio ennma inentri tume. Respon fo unha gratti, "I feel that I owe you an apology", manne none gratti gaungee.
I ware jubbum guangee ennte paglia. hahah!

I am really sorry, I never meant to hurt you...
But I saw this part of you, and i wanted to keep it between you and I... you wanted me to know nothing about it.

Pallet Fiur me. Nummi, dutti, always sorry. Surrey machin you.

Jay

By popular request from my friends that I told about last night... hmmm. Suddenly I don't fell like posting the pictures any more... but here they are anyway.
Part of me likes the fact that he is kind of buff, the other part likes how he is very cute. I like that he was a bit rough, but that he knew that it could have ended badly and stopped. Strange happening, though. That i will not share with others: I dare say that there's is one thing that pictures can't really capture properly. One small detail that draws me toward him. of course, there is always more to a person than what the pictures show. I have great pictures up on facebook, ones that i chose to put up.

Why on earth would I feel guilty?

I stepped back from my current situation for a moment today, oddly enough, it worked out well that i did so. I now see that I did nothing wrong last night. Yeah for me. I am still uneasy about Matt and Jay knowing each other, but that is a small matter. As soon as jay signs online, I will give him a holler.

Overture Redux

Every time I hear this song, I picture a kick line...

last night

I am not sure exactly what I did last night. I don't mean that I don't remember last night. I mean that I am not sure why I did it. I am not a weak person, nor am I a strong person with a weak personality. It is just that... I am not sure why i would allow that to happen.
I feel that I should explain before your imagination gets carried away. Last night I had a party at the house, and from there I headed up to my room. I received an Instant message. i responded and then later on, I ended up at a bar with him and then at his house. Nothing terrible happened, there was a brief moment of physical "contact", but that was short lived and I was rather unenthusiastic, so he stopped. I just feel guilty, because I didn't call Matt before hand. There was no sex, so no need to call. But. I still feel guilty.
And I think that he might try and look up some records on me, not that he will find anything, all of mine have been sealed. Luckily, he is unable to find anything if he doesn't know exactly what he is looking for.

I have run his name, and found him to have a clean record.

There is something else bothering me. He and Matt knew each other. That is the worst part... and that is the part that made me a little uncomfortable. Maybe last night was a mistake? I don't know. I would like to think that it was all not just hormones and alcohol. I am a bit lonely right now, really, that is it. I am going to act on this, but I will give it a moment to simmer. And by that, I mean I will let it sort itself out. He might not be thinking hard about anything right now, but I am.

different ghost in the machine

So, the other meaning of the ghost in the machine. That is what you call it when your computer does something odd and unexplained, often selfish. Like erasing something or putting things in an odd order.

facebook

jumping around on facebook has made me realize something: I might not know who I am am right now. but I know who i am not. I am not some crazed fag who has more pictures with a bottle to his lips than without. I do not have a single photo of me flicking of the photographer. I am not just wasting--
and that was the trigger.
I fear that I am wasting my life. But at the same time, I like my life. I don't feel like rushing out of college. Screw the real world, I like mine.

Code black

You know what that means, right?
Google it. It means the same thing as code Yellow.

flanders

he;s a good guy.

Moving on

Page and i are fine now. I will just leave it at, I think she needed some time to herself to think everything through. And in the end, she is still my friend. I will be leaving the previous posts up, mainly because I think that they are a part of history, and because it is helpful for reflection. I was very angry. So was she, but now we are not. So If you decide to read the previous posts, remember that I was very angry with her, not angry at her. But now I don't feel like that anymore.
Also, in regards to Tony in the previous posts. I had a realization on the last day of my design class. So, it was really perfect timing for page and I to get back to being friends.

Quickly reflecting on page

I am not really angry anymore. I forgive you for what things you have said to me in the past. For the mistakes you made, and the things you did in fear or in good intent. I have supported you in everything you have done, even your anger at me. But I am done supporting you in it. You are alone now as far as that goes. I don't see how you can go back to him, the guy that lied to you for months and not move past my 3 minutes of mistake.
I have done so much for you in the past, and you for me, also. But you have stopped the love, you have closed the doors all the time. I am not going to bother trying any more. When you are ready, I will talk to you, but i am not going to try anymore.
Upon reflecting an review with my council, I have realized that you have often times been a very mean person to me. That you have done things to hurt me, and ignored these mistakes. I didn't bother to forgive you, I simply put them out of my mind, and never thought of them again, never letting your past catch up to you. But today I change my tune. You are no longer going to be pardoned for your actions.
Your current state of hatred is not going unnoticed. I am not sure that you are worth my worries, since you don't seem to want to fix this problem.

seriously

"Ok, every time i see him, I want to take a sledge hammer to his forehead."
-- me thinking to myself less than 30 seconds ago.
You know what, I'll bet you are thinking this is about someone else...
You're wrong...
And I am not sure if it makes me want to hammer you even more...
And this grammatical chain is making my basic thoughts more difficult to process...


i suppose that this puts me into a certain class of insanity, the blind hatred of those that ... are of no threat-- but he is-- to me. He is very much a threat. i can't stand to be around him sometimes, but then at the same time, I cherish it more than any social etiquette allows for. He is ... grrr. this pisses me off. and I just want to do myself a favor and avoid him like the plague, so that he can never "threaten" me again. But I suppose that-- there are things I can do. like... but that would be a whale of a drastic measure, and it would be one of those -- no it would be completely reversible. He is, despite what blanks are filled in, a pretty forgiving guy... and that makes me hate him even more. Just be a bitch once in a while, stoop to someone Else's level. Don't you understand; no one likes a nice guy.
I used to be a nice guy and still am, until I started hanging out with him, and now I am just look like an arrogant prick. I am actually a good guy-- trust me on that. But in comparison, it appears that I am a jerk. Even when you and I -- fight ( you really can't call it that-- but it is categorized with all the same feelings i have when in a fight with someone) you are just so nice. You don't complain to anyone, and you don't vent to your friends (DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF ME???? I certainly haven't seen them! [actually, I have... but I don't really think it counts, we didn't actually get to talk... it was like seeing someone through glass... but having no glass there... YOU ARE THE GLASS, YOU SICK FUCK!!! GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH]) Or do they all want to stab you in the eye because you are too much of a good person!
Fuck off.
P.S. I can't wait to grab some food again, it has been way too long.

Facts of Facebook Fotos

nobody is real... nobody.

Fianlly got my insurance to work

I think i have all of the paperwork for my insurance... this is great. I Hate insurance stuff. But All I have to do is slap a stamp on it and I am good to go. They should send me a check with my refund. It would be great to get the check before Christmas, so I can buy people presents.
Which brings me to the next point.
I am not sure what to get page for Christmas. And Ann is of no help. I think that i should get her something nice, but make sure it is something that i can return or keep for myself if she refuses it. I hope she gets me something. not because I want something, but because I don't want her to be there empty handed when I give her my gift.

thought

You might not need me, but I need you.

part

Part of me is very angry, but that part is small. I wrote a letter, and judging by the way everything has been-- she hasn't read it. This means that she is content in her anger. That is ... sad for me.
... But worse for her.

Anger is not a natural state. War is not a natural state. Men (people) are only able to enter war by going into a realm of feelings that are outside of the healthy spectrum. She is outside of a healthy area of feelings and I hope that she becomes my friend again.
I will leave that last sentence as that:
I hope she becomes my friend again.

moved

I moved this blog, and it will be hidden for aslong as I need it to be.

seriously

You are so full of crap, every six seconds?!?!? get a grip woman!

These are the possible reasons I might snap at people

First degree of suffering (things that are happening to me)
1. I haven't spoken to any of my roommates in almost three days.
2. I am currently rather thirsty, therefore in a bad mood.
3. I just spilled water down the front of me, in an attempt to rehydrate.
4. I have to figure out how the fireplace was broken, then fix it. As it is now, there is likely a small gas leak.
5. I missed voting day.
6. I haven't finished reading Harry Potter and I don't really feel like doing it.
7. My crazy sister Michelle is being retarded about gayness.
8. I am falling victim to the assumptions of others.
9. I have spent a small fortune on postage to people out of the city.
10. page is upset at me.
11. I am going blind in one eye, and it is not reversible.
12. I spent around an hour on the phone to try and straighten out this refund with Klipsch.
13. My ADD medication needs to be refilled.
14. My contact prescription is costing me and arm and a leg.

Second degree of suffering (things that are happening to others that I care about, so I am concerned about them and feeling pity for them)
1. My sister is being told that she is wrong for being a lesbian.
2. Page is upset.
3. Sam is sad that Jim is leaving.
4. My boss is concerned about the walkin freezer.
5. The cat is going to loose her tail.
6. Michelle is upset because of Megan, even though it is her own ignorance.
7. My mother is feeling unloved.
8. My brother is feeling encroached upon.
9. Ann has cancer, but she is getting better. On top of that, Page dragged her into the middle of her and my situation.

Third degree of suffering (things that are happening in the world, so we are all together in suffering)
1. OSU's tuition is increasing.
2. Gas prices are on the rise.
3. The number of miscarriages is up from last year.
4. Some bitch is trying to create a democracy over in the East... alone, by the way.
5. Global warming. It is different than you think, but still happening.
6. Mathematically speaking, California is about to die of cancer... as a whole.

also

I need to figure out what to wear to this potluck tomorrow.

Free health care

Someone was talking about how much better it is that Canada has free health care. But I have heard it from many sides, from the doctors who disagree with the idea to the woman who has cancer and gets CT scans every month. Calm down hippie liberals!

Wrote a note

Wrote a note, feelin much better.

alternative

Page, if you are so worried about the security of your computer, try this:
http://www.truecrypt.org/

hmm

I am ... here.

It is way deeper than it sounds.

Network

The network has been taken down, mainly because there is no longer a need for it to be up. Page will never bother to print another thing from my computer, nor will she ever bother to look at the things that stored on sheila. She has made her computer impossible to get into (it is more of a slap in the face than actually protecting her files), and it is extremely evident that she doesn't really care to see anything I have to show her.
So, we shall leave it at the "Le Disko (Live in Studio WFNX 101.7" as the last file shared. After all, none of this would have happened if I didn't put it there... I suppose I can chalk it up to me not wanting to hide it, as if it would make it better.
She has saught the advice of others, which is good. But so have I. With the limited amount that I have told them, they seem to mostly say that i was wrong (duh, I know that). But there is one that has said something miraculously different.

Your problem started when you said something to the other person.

Rich

Rich is right. If I never let her know I knew... this would not have happened. I am not really that concerned with Tony and her relationship, The only one that I actually care about is the one between her and I. She continues to talk about him-- when i am only concerned about she and I. I would prefer that he not be told that I don't like him, frankly because that is not an accurate statement. Page is very angry at me, Tony isn't. I don't have anything to work through with him. I dislike him as little as I dislike any person who has hurt those I care about. I had him red flagged when I met him, because I knew he was hiding something. and I was right. So now the situation has reached an equilibrium; he has nothing left to hide (at least nothing that puts out the persona of hiding things) and I have nothing left to fault him for. Smug? No. I am correct.

I am not an idiot, I know that eventually she will come here to read this, I have always known that she will read these, that is why I make sure to put the things that I want her to know. I am not "planting" posts for her to read, but more so making sure that what I do write is OK for her to see. I have not written anything that I want to keep to myself, this is the Internet people... it is the lowest form of security known to man. You are better off putting it on a billboard...

strength

Give me strength, so that I can restrain myself...
There exists an extremely large amount of power in this configuration. Enough to wipe out the past history, but if I do that, it might actually mess up the current set up... because I make a call back to the history and logs of the past for a quick data call. It might make the whole system fail...
I think I will risk it.

shower

life feels better after a shower. everything looks a little bit better...

silver lining

But the silver lining?
Because I have had this disease so long, I don’t have (and never had) depth perception. This has forced me to learn how to gauge distance and depth using other methods…
like shadows and basic size comparisons. So at least lighting design makes sense to me.

Forever

It is funny to hear that you have something incurable. It might be treatable, unfortunately not in my case, but never curable. Recently I have identified with the concept of permanent, within my own body. I will eventually loose sight in my right eye. The condition can be brought to a stand still, hopefully. But not reversed. The damage is done. I fell victim to a doctor who never finished what he started... or maybe he just died... I am not sure. I thought that my "condition" was under control and stopped... I was wrong. It has begun again. my vision will never be even, as my left eye continues to over take the right eye. I also learned something today...

I do not have, nor have I ever had, depth perception.

So, My final words on this... it isn't the end of my life. I am strong person... I will do what I can to stop the degradation of my sight, but I will not let it destroy me. I wonder however... what if it happened tomorrow... if I woke up and could only see out of one eye? Is it darkness that I would see in the other? Would it be white? Or color; maybe reddish yellow like the eye goop... What if it was like never ending stars that you see when you rub your eyes too hard, or like the images burnt into your vision when you look at a bright light?

I have new contacts now... the doctor and I were able to force myself into 20/20 with my right eye... but that doesn't mean I can "see" 100% of what I should with it.

I need to date dwayne again.

Let me explain that statement. Dwayne did somethign really interesting as a boyfriend... he cleaned my room. I know that sounds kinda ... out there. but it was very sweet.

can't shake it

I can't shake the image of the killer from Monster from my head. The part where she is in the bathroom and trying to clean herself up for her date... it makes me feel that it is important to make the best of what you have... and reminds me that I am so luck to be able to not have to try TOO hard to make the best of a situation. There is no deeper meaning tonight, and nothing cryptic hidden in here. just me saying, that I know I am lucky to be in a place in my life where I am not ... stuck in a shitty situation. Really, what the hell do I have to complain about. I am loved by so many, I am not dumb, or otherwise misfortuned, I am not poor (well, that is debatable), and I am not alone. That is the most important I think. I am not alone.

hmm

my computer chair was lower than before... odd. but not completely out of the realm of explicability.

And yes, I know that isn't a real word.

Oh Kathleen

Haha I'm back now...oh wow where to start.

So I was trying on this outfit that I wanted to wear out tonight, and I wanted to see how it looked with heels on. I don't have a full length mirror (yet) in this apartment, so the only way for me to really see myself head to toe is by standing on the edge of the bathtub, looking into the big bathroom mirror.

Fully dressed, with heels on, I climbed up on it.

I grabbed onto the shower curtain rod for balance, but there must have been some water under my foot... I slipped, and though I was hanging onto the metal rod, I still fell, and brought the rod down with me! The thing was metal, and it's BENT now where I was hanging onto it for dear life lol. So um...I sort of fell splitting the edge of the bath...half of me inside, half hanging out. And the shower curtain and rod all came down on top of me. To top things off, I had some stuff soaking in the tub, so I got wet too...oh yeah, I've got some nice bruises and a scrape on my shin now.

Vanity will be the death of me!

Hah, so how the heck I am going to explain this to whoever I need to speak with to fix it, I don't know... "well you see, I was practicing my uneven bars routine and..."

Keep in mind, this story is coming from the girl who spent the last 15 years of her life training in ballet. Guess that goes to show how much I excelled in the "gracefulness" department.

That was the story of a girl that I know on the OS. Very funny.

another lovely lady's story.

Ive been known to put clothes in the fridge...I once put my umbrella in there too ..i do this a lot i have a thing about my fridge obviously. if ever i cant find something i always check my fridge and my washing machine because i put things in there too. Oh and washing powder in the sugar bowl.
when i was a smoker i often, when on the way to work and running late would run for the bus and on boarding it ask the driver for 20 Benson and Hedges LMHO. The looks i got.

a song called

I was rating my music and I was going through the Sarah Brightman section of it and clicked on a snog I haven't' heard in a long time... so long that I didn't recognize it. It was very odd.

sp

Oh, I get it. God is a spaghetti monster and there is no great mystery to life. Evolution explains everything. Evolution is the answer to how, not the answer to why.
The mystery of life is to live.

log

[Thursday, October 25th at 22:24:50] shoutingsteve001: -exhaule-
[Thursday, October 25th at 22:25:02] shoutingsteve001: it jsut sucks when your best friend hates you

_Fresto_

Freppo non epi naro. Mio simmetta un nina en leemare too armatti y narno. Mio resputto ed effe martes conquerat asta.

Formitarse anno "Kevin Anon" semi "Kevin Nute". Ha. Betnasche eppi chemica. Tomaro chemica. Respunte a mia atoriaita.

On an unrelated note:
Page emuno cantic agree.
nomo agree... appe.

P.S. Yo lo mortimo te gemmino alla miste y multuno tuna-- appe.

36.
Toto.

611

Who knows the number for phone repair?
It is 611
not 411, that is very different.

verdi

Tosca le imbune notte remuniaremente. Mio fimallare, non ti multime frepo alte. NON TI MULTIME FREPO ALTE. remunit... Page eppi tutto fratte non-pation. Non repo mia lenit fratelle zapi. Dutte tirimitu repo abutta in totoa, diffi reponte tumino. Le gli matto remuni altimun; NON TI MUTIME FREPO ALTE.

In gli chimara reno tummare totalle. Totalle.

P.S. Ed munni reminite mas malto.

P.P.S. Yomo la toti resulmi a confi li tummi peretre cummei. Etterne intuplica mitte. Ann, Sam, Becka... tummi intomme. Intomo a mitter chumpa. Duete Ann reppo, non mist andamo, mist tuti cantelli. No, no mist cantelli, mist semi-cantelli (hahah, semi un ante!! semi- cantelli non punti langare).

The things I know

The things I know, I know because I know them.

Is that clear?

P.S.
-this space intentionally left blank-

I feel ... better

she through me a bone, I am sure she could see that i am very torn up about how she is disappointed in me for finding out. But now I feel like she and I are back on the same team.

there's a plae

there's a place, so I've heard--

there's a --
place--

there's a place, so I've heard--
where dreams--


Oh, fuck it.

The break down. The way in which I come upon a truth is not a matter is dire importance. When I see a cry out, it is inhuman to ignore it. Just as inhumane to ignore a fist going through a wall, it is terrible to ignore a title with capital letters in it. The--

hmm. I suppose it could have been worse, but at the same time, I feel pretty bad about even looking. It was not a simple notice and glance, it was a see and confirm. My confirmations were-- disheartening.
But in the end, it is not me who suffers.

If I could just get it to be understood that I don't hate anybody, if anything, this has made me feel a great swell of pity.

Now, as to the way that I would have this resolved, there is no way of undoing it. The best that I can hope for is that there is an amount of joy in the continuing of the method. Does that make sense? I think that the only way that certain joys can be realized is through the same method that this pain occurred... with the same channel.

My design professor

I am sick of having to talk to my design professor like he is mentally retarded.

The use is simple; you use the ring to hold up the curtain. To do this, you slide the curtain hole onto the end of the ring that has the bulb on it, and then place the ring (with the curtain attached) onto the curtain rod. The rings are necessary to hold up the curtain and to allow it to move to open and close the shower. Depending on how you have the shower curtain hung, this task can vary in difficulty.

I actually have to put that into my paper.

#PAGE

I respect you-- so very much.
Realize that.
I always have, and I still do.
I repeat, always.

I reflect on a time when we first met, and how much better off we are now living under one roof. We work, it just works. Even when we have out little crazy moments, however rare they might be, we still just work.
I also reflect on the times that you and i made a great team, mostly against things like a crazy lady (iron fist) or an intruder in the garage (gentle hand). Our teamwork works together.
Finally I reflect on the fact that you and I don't "need" each other, we "choose" each other. That concept is a great testament to our friendship.
Remember that.

Lesson learned

I never used to leave my speakers on all day, but over the summer I started to use them to wake up. It is much nicer to wake up to moby than a terrible alarm noise. Anyway, after my speakers blew, I find myself forking out money to have them fixed. the learned lesson is not to leave them on too long. Simple. But they are working great now.

So, it is week of greatness: speakers repaired, new cell phone, paintball. It is good.

*note

Page, your OCD cleaning is hurting the family.
It makes you less fun to be around, and makes everyone a bit uncomfortable.

P.S. I know that you don't want there to be a dinner table in the dinning room, but we have to have one.

Edit: Now I know why you do it, though.

new art

My lateset piece.

one thing

if there is one one thing that I can't handle, it is people who ... throw their happiness in your face. I don't mean the people who are happy, and you can see it in all they do, that is fine. I mean the people who are happy and then take every moment as an opportunity to try and prove that if you are not them, you are miserable. This might sound like an internal problem that I am blaming on others, but this extends to so many fields. Like the nut jobs that feel it acceptable to degrade others actions and decisions. Or those that flaunt there devotion to things... things that don't matter to most besides themselves.
I am sorry if I am being cryptic, maybe it is just that... I am angry, maybe it is just and internal problem that I am blaming on others?

Bitch

I saw something today that I really wish I hadn't. One can only deny something for so long, mainly until it is proven. I have been letting myself love someone that is destructive to me. I don't mean falling in love with someone, I mean loving someone; letting them under my skin. I had always had an idea that there existed a leap of faith for me, but never one to this magnitude; I was in complete denial.

Tonight I awoke to reality: You ain't no good.

AVP

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

your gonna die

between 1995 and 2005 3147 people were killed by terrorists. In that same time span, 3949 people were killed by law enforcement... you're more likely to get killed by the fuzz than a terrorist.

F.E.A.R.

First Encounter Assualt Reacon.
I finally beat this game... but I played the last 4 levels in one sitting, and now i am afraid to go to sleep (or turn off the lights).

opps

Guess what... Justin Nolan did it.
Justin Nolan installed mac OSX on 8/15. So, There is a computer out there that can run EVERY SINGLE OS ON THE MAKRET. Heheh. I love it when technology gets ripped apart by consumers. Now the question is, can Mac keep up to support a quad core processor? PCs already have them. Are their designers good enough to have planned for "unintentional users"?

Moral of the story: Teach a man to fish, and he will rip your eyes out with the hook.

one of them

I am one of them? Those who can't stand the idea that there is a little box that gets more "kudos" points than the system that I built. For a few years now, especially in the last two, persons having built their computers from nothing at all (those that actually understand the way a computer works) have found themselves having to explain to fans of the little white box why the owners of said box find themselves with their noses pressed against a glass ceiling. We (well not me)) have finally discovered the fatal link in their system so loved,

0x00 4 mhbd
0x04 4 header size = 0xBC
0x08 4 filesize
0x0C 4 unknown = 1
0x10 4 version number = 0x19
0x14 4 child count = 0x05
0x18 8 databaseid
0x20 2 unknown = 2
0x22 2 unknown = 0x0263
0x24 8 identification
0x2C 4 zero padding
0x30 2 unknown = 1
0x32 20 unknown, changing completely from itdb to itdb
0x46 2 language, seen: de, en
0x48 8 library persistent id
0x50 4 unknown, seen: 1, 5
0x54 4 unknown, seen: 0x08, 0x0D, 0x1D, 0x4D, 0x8D
0x58 20 unknown some similarities between versions
0x6C 4 timezone offset in seconds. +2*60*60 -> 0x00001C20, -4*60*60 = 0xFFFFC7C0
0x70 76 zero padding 0x00000000

Have any idea what that means? I'll bet that the ones sitting in front of a little white box don't either. None but those that have built a system and run a BIOS-to-OS know what that all means.
Basically, this is what keeps the mac OS off of a PC mobo (well, this particular string set is actually the Ipod locking, keeping anything except for itunes from altering the ipod, however the bigger string set that i haven't got at my disposal is being worked on by Windows, Linux, and Solaris users). The Intel processor can work for macs now, that is old news... but after the end of this data tagging, the PC will be able to run OSX (illegally hacked, of course).
So, in conclusion, fuck off Mac you are no longer "anti conformist" (and we all know that is the only reason people bought the mac anyway). The brainpower behind this hacking force is not to be trifled with.

Photos

I have recently started taking more... amazing photos. My first amazing photo was not taken by me, it was taken by my friend Heather, I was laying in a field. Since then I have had the gay vanity shot, a couple of years ago with my fujifilm. But then I got a much better camera. Since then I have taken the sexy series. First a picture of me in jeans, then the windblown one, the studying ninja, and most recently-- TV Box and the Egyptian.

FSH Muscular Dystrophy

This is the end of a girl's smile. There is a 15 year old girl who can no longer smile. Do you know what that means... she is done showing her joy... or even her sorrow. FSH Muscular Dystrophy is a degenerative disease that kills the muscles of the face and some of the upper back. It sucks... that is the end of ... so much for her.