Diet tips from a thin guy to fat people. Feel free to send me hate mail, I can take it. But my response will be “which tip didn’t work for you?”. I am not writing this in a nice way (I can write very nicely, just see the rest of the blog.) I am writing this in a way that is meant to be rude and straight forward. So don’t be such a softie.
1. Make a commitment and just do it. Planning is just disguised procrastination. I am right. You hate me for it. Besides, how often have you felt good from finishing a plan of a diet… just imagine how nice it would have been to have a feeling of accomplishment a week prior, because you were happy to see that you ACTUALLY lost weight. Make a decision and start with your next meal. And if your house doesn’t have any healthy food, go out to eat. YOU NEED TO START IMMEDIATELY! No time for grocery shopping. I am impulsive, but I have follow through. You won’t die if you are hungry for an hour, and you don’t need to binge at the first sign of a tummy growl. For most fat people, it is your stomach in control at this point, not you.
2. Stressing about what you eat makes you think too much about it. Rather than depriving yourself of something (woe is me…) just think, that is not going to make me fat if I don’t eat it. It is like the sign at Jimmy Johns (that terribly bland sub shop) “Free smells”. Feel free to sniff anything you want, but realize your ass is only going to get bigger if you eat it. So, view dessert as something that will make you fat, not “a nice way to finish a meal”
3. Make your own schedule. Make it convent and plan your meals. Too busy to plan your meals? Did you see Glee last week? Yeah it was pretty awesome. But you could have skipped it and written out your meals. Were you too tired to do anything active? Well, what is making you so tired? Work? I know you work 14, 16, 18 hour days. I am sure that you are working 14 hours a day Monday through Friday and then working 16 hours every Saturday and Sunday at a different job to pay the rent. It has been months since you had a day off. I know that everyone reading this is in that position and can’t possibly spare 2 hours create a meal plan and exercise schedule for the next month.
4. Every little bit helps, there are plenty of ways to account for 100 calories or more
a. Park farther away (a few blocks away), or get off the bus a stop or two early. This little bit of walking (especially if you force yourself to walk briskly) will trim you down. If you are shopping, speed walk the whole time. (this can be done during any solo activity)
b. Drink less soda and more water. Oh, and diet soda is worse than regular soda, because it is a false sense of achievement. You aren’t doing anything different, it is a lie! You are a fool if you think a diet soda will help you lose weight. If you need flavor, add lemon, or lime, or orange, or cucumber, or mint, or something. Once you get used to this, you won’t crave soda. (which has a 600-1000% mark up in restaurants)
c. Wash your car by hand, shovel snow often (actually it isn’t so bad if you are used to it, and you hate it less (but for God’s sake, stretch you back first)), mow your lawn with a push mower (much greener, too), work you garden by hand, take your bike to errands (not to work, that will make you all sweaty and gross and you will get fired and then eat your feelings). It isn’t hard to combine chores with exercise. General rule of thumb, if it is harder/ more strenuous, that is the option that will help you lose weight.
d. Bring snacks in your purse or backpack (yup, I used to carry a backpack everywhere I went, because I didn’t have a car and had to walk/bike/ bus everywhere I went. Now I carry a soft leather briefcase-bag-thing). Bringing your own snacks will let you choose healthy things and you won’t buy candy bars. Now that I have a car, there is a can of nuts in there. I have a handful just before I turn my car on, just out of habit now… actually pretty awesome. This is also portion control, so only eat one at a time. Never eat two of these snacks within an one hour of each other.
e. Use fat free milk instead of whole milk will cut calories and your cholesterol. Seriously. I am amazed at how many fat people don’t do this. I drink whole milk because I can… but you can’t—so don’t.
f. Walk to a restaurant for dinner rather than driving there. I understand that you are socially obligated to eat out, and that ordering a low calorie meal when surrounded by people who think you should do so can be embarrassing. So if you must fulfill everyone’s expectations and consume 1350 calories in one sitting, walk off at least 100 calories of it before hand in secret by walking there. You can also walk to get lunch rather than eating in the break room.
g. Stand up while you eat. I kid you not. One tiny little change will make your gut feel better while it digests and you will find yourself doing other things while eating (like wandering around your house or other strange things). Plus you won’t shovel food four inches from the plate to your mouth.
h. If you are forced by society to eat something you know is bad for you (birthday cake, etc), then leave half of it on your plate. Self control, bitches.
i. Make a conscious effort to eat more vegetables and fruit, but really veggies are better than fruit. This will help you eat less heavier foods and junk foods. This will help you feel better as well.
j. You can’t be on the move all the time, sometimes you want to watch TV. I get it. But do bicep curls of sit ups while you do that. Then you won’t like TV as much. And maybe you will go for a walk and get to see this amazing High Definition, Surround Sound thing called “Outside”. It also features massive multiplayer action for gamers out there.
k. While walking (not running, this could be very dangerous if you mess up your timing) try whistling or singing to yourself. This will strengthen your lungs.
l. Basketball, football, and soccer are all great, but they are a little intimidating (they are undeniably athletic and not fun if you are remotely out of shape). Try swimming (and you might get a tan), rollerblading, kayaking, biking. Or if you are more aggressive, try paintball; you will be amazed at how good you can be at outrunning that little ball.
m. I suppose you could put on a weight belt or weight vest. Try that. Could work, all that extra weight will force every motion to be more strenuous.
n. Turkey instead of red meat. But, this only works in a few cases. It doesn’t taste as good, but with enough seasonings, it is good, but still different.
5. Eat less fat, more protein, and less sugar. There is 3,500 calories in a pound of fat. In a pound of YOUR fat. Not just in fat intake through diet. If you keep eating the same things you eat right now, you would have to burn of 500 more calories everyday to lose a pound a week. So, better to just keep it out of your body in the first place. Protein on the other hand is the most important macro nutrient (oh, you didn’t think I knew what I was talking about… that I was just some bitch thin guy who doesn’t like fat people…) I am not talking about the Atkins Diet, but he was onto something. Over doing it is terrible. Proteins help you feel full and that makes you eat less. You should eat 2 grams of protein per 1 kilogram of lean body weight**. Men need more than women. I need 120 grams according to the formula. And yes, you do have to do this in kilograms. As for sugar, cut out the unnatural sugars. There is nothing more than calories in these. Fructose, on the other hand, in fruit is a slowly released sugar, so if you need something sweet, try this thing called a banana (one of the cheapest, cleanest (you only eat the inside so you don’t need to wash it), and greenest (no packaging) fruits on the market).
6. Eat more often. You have heard this, I am sure, and seen skinny people doing it. Yes, we do eat a lot. We can, because we are always doing it. Our bodies don’t think we are starving through a cold winter, and aren’t slowing our metabolisms to survive it. It is always autumn harvest in my body. Your body equates dieting with starvation, as does your mind. And don’t skip breakfast, or lunch. Really if you HAD to skip a meal (or substitute a snack for a meal) it should be dinner. You don’t need all that in when you sleep. A lean body isn’t a 50 gallon gas tank that you can dump 45 gallons of gas into and access whenever you need to. That is a fat body. A thin body is a 10 gallon tank, you have to fill it more often, but don’t put as much in it.
7. If you feel like a wake up call is in order, save all your food wrappers/boxes/bags. Add them up at the end of the week (not the end of the day). Don’t just write them down and throw them away after each meal, rinse them out and stack them up till Sunday. You will be amazed to see.
8. Get rid of your scale. It isn’t your friend. Plus, it doesn’t know you well enough to tell you how your cloths fit. If your muffin top can’t fit into something, it doesn’t matter what you weigh. If you can bring yourself to look in the mirror, really look at yourself and see if you are loosing weight. Once you start to see it, it won’t be so bad.
9. “A handful” is the best measurement. You don’t really need to eat more than that at a time of anything. You can eat three handfuls of three different things at a meal, but not of the same thing, I can easily fit a microwave meal into three handfuls (and this is what you need to avoid).
Bonus: . Don’t buy clothes that don’t fit, planning on being able to fit into them some day. They will just take up space that could be better used. The only advantage of buying the wrong size is that you have to lift them every time you want to move them, so maybe you will burn 50 calories from moving a whole wardrobe’s worth. They are not motivators, they are not going to stay in style while you lose weight, and they are not flattering if you do manage to SQUEEZE into them.
There, now tat you read the whole thing, I can tell you that I didn't put this up to be a dick, and not to spread hate or the idea that fat people are just lazy. A lot of this content was inspired by diet sites, but my twist on it as a thin guy adds something to it. I do not think I am better than anybody, but society pressures you to be thin. Don't shoot the messenger, especially if the messenger is bringing ideas of ways that you can help yourself. Try any or all of these tips. But, if you don't do anything, you are not going to change. It is that "if" word.
**Lean Body Weight (men) = (1.10 x Weight(kg)) - 128 x ( Weight2/(100 x Height(m))2)
Lean Body Weight (women) = (1.07 x Weight(kg)) - 148 x ( Weight2/(100 x Height(m))2)
