texts...

what does it mean if someone texts you, telling you that they just left the gym?

the bleeding

When I get stressed out... The blood just comes.

dissapointed

I can't believe that a friend I haven't spoken to on the phone in over half a year has chosen to masturbate rather than answer my phone call. And then he tells me to hold on till he finishes.

not so far away

This stripper guy wanted me. Or at least wanted my money, till i called him out on being on the payroll.
I suppose I should be complimented? Or maybe not. It was rather interesting how it happened, mostly because there was an immediate destruction of the illusion. But he was nice enough. And one thing I learned that night, is that being nice to people does pay off. It paid off as soon as I got to axis.

I don't want to divulge any more details, because it is just going to make me sound trashy, but my closing thought is this:

Don't be rude to someone just because they are ugly. Often times "ugly" people are just as nice as everyone else. And also, don't be mean to hot people, often times hot people are just as nice as everyone else.

mark is right

he is correct. Pride and Comfest should not be on the same weekend. Naturally you would expect the larger event to take priority. But, pride is the same weekend nationally, Comfest is a Columbus thing. So, should Comfest move for pride or vise-versa? Mark feels that Pride, since national, should take priority. Most straight people feel Comfest should. Does Mark feel this because of him being gay? or does he genuinely feel that Pride is a national phenomena?

Reflection on the system

The system works. it has worked for years and years and years. But it changes the people involved. Suddenly they are all hard... little pieces of them have died inside. as they hurt in and out, scratching out the days on the wall.

odd bag of emotions (at 2:30 am)

I try to not be pissed.
But, realizing that i have no right to be. And it all makes sense. I see what you have been hiding from me for so long. That you lied and hid it from me for months, and then kept cloaked in vagueness until yesterday. You still haven't told me, because you don't think I should know, I found out all by myself and hundreds of miles didn't hide it any better than 5 blocks would have. But, do not think that I am going to hold you up longer. I shall let you float... so very gently away.

But, I can not keep you from calling back to me. I am not sure how I will respond, with anger or with love. Foe now; this explains silence. For future, I tell you lovingly to fuck off.

Turok

It is way harder to kill dinosaurs when you are drunk. I swear, didn't think that martini(s) had that much of a punch.

so popular...

i have given two interviews over the past week, one appeared on national news (Fox news) and the other is a podcast for Columbus food. The funny thing is, and I am realizing this now, the interviewers completely changed what i said to make me fit their story/motive. They original dialogue is so horribly chopped and hacked up that it makes me sound like I have a completely different motive.
So, my advice, decline to be interviewed.

skip to 14 mins for my interview.

http://columbusfood.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=349089

Odd to admit this...

but that Miley Cyrus has a half decent voice. I say half decent because I assume that there is a lot of audio FX going on with the music...
But that song "See You Again" isn't bad. At least the remixes I hear.

interesting comparison

That is so Gay!
That is so Black!

One of these is perfectly acceptable, the other will get you kicked in the teeth.

GAYS IN THE MILITARY

I don't think that gays should have to serve in the military. Women should be drafted before gays, because the heads of the country do more to support them. The guys signing the war papers support women more than they support gay men. Don't believe me?
What freedoms to gays have than women don't? I am only going to discuss the one that is on my mind now, I am sure I could come up with others if this did not preoccupy me so. Marriage.
Straight guys bitch about how if they have to die for their country, they should be able to buy a six pack for their country-- this complaint only lasts for three years, between ages 18 when they are eligible for draft and 21 when they can buy alcohol. Gay men have can complain for 8 years, until they are 26 and ineligible for the draft. But, they still complain afterward... because their problem still exists.

Veritus Clatta

Anche depo il Combitteroa. Sees intersting, ma, tia blet cept itss.

Noodle!

I saw a noodle today. She was very warm from the walk, but I gave her some ice cream and she was very happy to see me. I knew right away that she recognized me. But the funny thing is, she would not listen to Kate when Kate wanted her to go. But all it took was me guiding her up/out of the corner to send her on her way. Funny how dogs can remember you after a long(ish) time.

still here

I am still here, and I am doing alright.
I suppose I owe you an update. Funny how I assign you an update...
Anyway, I suppose I should begin where I left off, with reflecting on what I see.
I see "shiny" things all around me, but I know that many of them are simply gilded shit. There is little below the surface.
Now, as far as the specifics of this life. I am listening to a lot more music, especially because there are some halfway decent speakers at work now. I recently had an interesting conversation with someone about music. They claim to be alright with every type of music, but they are of the opinion that techno should stop existing. So, they are obviously not tolerant of everything. I don't understand why people don't just say that they only like certain types of music.
On another note:
Sapphire Martini, up, three olives. I am not alone in this!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813453

reality

**This post include specific code words used to mean multiple things, therefore viewing each sentence as relative to the those surrounding it is not advised.**

Relatively speaking, I am happier than I have been in a long time, because I have freed myself of a load that has been on my mind for well over a month and a half. I saw something today that lead to me smiling. And it was not that I was happy with what I saw, but more so I was happy to see it. I am glad that ed and I had the impression that he hoped we would. I am glad I could do that for him.
But that was last night, and time moves in only one direction-- directly in one direction. Today I saw something very similar walk by my store. I saw a pair of eyes look so distantly toward high street, avoiding the temptation to look into my store.
And so, as I stared right at her, preparing to wave friendly if she looked in, I realized that she is trying to create a new life for herself, which can include very limited things from her old life. I did not look in the same way as she crossed back in front of my store the second time. I just gave her the space she requested, even though she would have never known if I was mentally hovering six inches away from her.
So, I feel better. At least like I have an understanding a bit more for her inexcusable actions. Perhaps there is a certain magic in these inane ramblings, all of which uncover a bit more of my own feelings-- things that are not child's game.

Guy at Axis III

Back on January 29th I wrote about a guy named Joel Field. Well, I bumped into him again last night. Nice guy, really. I didn't know where I knew him from at first, but I figured it out.
I really don't think there is much else to say.

back to 32 bit

I have returned to 32 bit windows XP. I like it better.

lymph nodes

Do you know what the lymph nodes do? they act as filters for the blood. Basically, if you have an infection (bacterial) they catch the bacteria. They also trap an foreign crud in your blood, which often enters through an open wound. Now, cocoa powder is very messy, and my neck feel like it is going to burst now... let's do some math...
Anyway, I hope that it goes away soon. I can hardly swallow.

palm... was great while it lasted

I still love my palm pilot, Leopold. But now that palm sucks as a company, they don't have 64 bit drivers... I am not able to link it to my computer. All the crazy loops that i have tried to jump through have been to no avail.
dammit.

it could have been different

My freshman year of college I was paired with two guys as roommates. I feel that if I had been paired with only one, i could have easily survived a bit better. One on one, I am a fun guy, and I can make straight guys feel comfortable, by being just a normal guy. But it seems that when those two were together, things were different. They seemed to play off of each other's fear, and add to the discomfort.

SO, the lesson: deviant people should not surround themselves, simply one on one.

Good hopes

I was not lied to, but I hear so many different stories that others suffer. THe conclusion; they are all false.

For hunger or drugs...

Volodya, you were too young.

to what point and purpose?

i was on dlist recently, and it turns out that someone has unlocked some pictures for me to view. But, the question is, why?
I really am not sure why I wanted to see the pics. I didn't request, but I checked. Turns out that the pictures aren't nearly as bad as I expected. But, I was still disheartened by what I read from others; as far as comments are concerned. I didn't comment.
Now, another thing that I am thinking.
I am not sure that Alain is a real person. Obviously there is someone there, but am not sure that the character Alain matches the profile Alain. I think it is just some guy bored with his life so he created an extra person. I have heard of this being done before...
Plus, he isn't a verified member...

mime teacher

Gregg Goldston. He is kinda a big deal.

so fucked up...

get this.
I am writing a paper for Tony's class about light and the color choices that go along with it. Well, the first dramatic lighting I saw in college was at a showing of the ballet "Firebird" and I make references to it as my first lighting experience of merit. Well, the irony is that the person who accompanied me to it was Page... odd how life ties these things up so nicely.

transsexual

I saw a pre-op come into my store today, I waited on her. That is what she is, a her. Sexual identity and sexual orientation are two different things. There is a stereotype of gay men becoming women. That is not true. Many women also go through the procedure. They are just less noticed. It is not uncommon for a girl to put on boy's clothes, but somehow it is degrading for a man to put on a woman's outfit.
There is a short passage called "Skins" about this subject. I wish I could recall the source. It states that one person should be able to put on the skin of another. It makes little sense at some points, but that is the basic concept. It is not until you see this for yourself that you can understand. There is nothing wrong, well, nothing that concerns you or I. A person on the outside should not judge.
Now, the way that the meeting went was uneventful. I used no gender specific things, such as sir or ma'am. I simply was myself, and made no comments. I knew at the first moment that a word was uttered, but I wasn't sure until I saw the hands at the register. She paid in cash, almost a dead giveaway...

Discovery

I move in just a few days... only a few days.
But, I was shocked that people are shocked that I wanted to bring home a pint of ice cream for Page. She likes Lavender, and we finally made a flavor that is just straight up lavender, without the cranberry. I figured i would bring some home, and I would have, but I forgot. Plus I didn't ask Stan or Denise if it was OK. I will remember tomorrow.
There is a thing called "the Welder's Rose" it is a rose and stem made of sheet metal. It has very sharp corners and easily draws blood.
My friend (who hasn't told everyone else yet, so he is not going to be named until he has done so) was broken up with today over the phone. I am glad that I am here for him. Even though I am only on the phone, I like to think that i can be (at least) a distraction for him.
There is blood all over my class schedule. I was very stressed out the other day, to the point that it actually made me bleed spontaneously.

Bryce

Reflections on Bryce.

Bryce is the name of the guy that Justin, who is Josh's ex, is dating. He is a theatre grad student, and seems very nice. I don't remember much about him other than he is really nice.
Oh, and he wears glasses.

on napping

Napping makes you more tired. I am exhausted now, and now I am getting ready to head out with Conrad for "Stomp". It should be fun.

Gayborhood?

On April 1st there will be a new online show called, Gayborhood.
I don't really understand what the point of it is. Obviously it is filled with gay people and other shit... but what is the purpose of this show?

donate

please donate, kevin is poor.

another dream

I had a dream where my eyes were sealed shut, except for just a small amount. I had to strain to see anything and it was all blurry. But I realized what it translates to: I am having trouble seeing another perspective. That is obvious.

shopping with my mother

wasn't too bad. Even though she and I have completely different shopping patterns. I decide what I want to eat and shop to cook those meals. She goes and sees what is on sale and then plans the meals on the spot. The advantage of my way is that you spend a relatively predictable amount of money. The advantage of her way is that you eat more diversely. I am currently sitting here eating a green pear, and my mother just asked if I want some scrambled eggs.

Strange dream

In my dream, my speakers still worked, but the little controller display didn't. I had new sheets, both were red jersey fabric. I was trying to wash them, and I just threw the entire ordeal into the washing machine.

anon

I am here and now.
I keep on seeing more of myself.
Even surprises that i didn't see. My oh my.
Even something like the title of this blog.
Kevin Anon
look at the vowels, all outlined by their brackets.
EIAO
no repeats, and every other letter.
KVNNN
Three repeats, all in a row...
couldn't have planned it better if I tried. Never better.

It is good news

I must admit, I have under reacted to Ann's good news. So-- cool.

On raison

I recieved an email titled "A RAISON A SEASON OR A LIFETIME" it is meant to say a REASON, but whatever.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Naturalism

I think that the post a few days ago deserves and explanation.
Naturalism is characterized by an underdog being present and showing the world from their view. In plays such as Theres Raquin, characters find themselves locked into a world everything is super ordinary, that means very vanilla, not super-normal.

outlook

Double, double, switch, switch.
Double, Double, hearty, hearty.
Double, double, switch, don't forget to dance.

Pablo Picasso's Desire Caught by the Tail
Here is your tea: no cup, no saucer, no milk, no sugar, no water, no tea.

And Alice in Wonderland
The Duchess: If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.

I feel no need to explain any of it.

chuckle

hi Page!
I see you watching!![wink]

reverse tracking

thank god for modern technology. I can now see the IP address of those who read my blog, and for those that don't know what that means:

Every time that you view my blog, there is a counter and recorder. It records what time and who viewed the web page. This wonderful technology is based on the exchange of what is called a cookie. There is nothing harmful done to the viewer's computer, nothing at all is left on there, all the information travels upstream to the main servers and trackers.

if I could just find out who
14.47.405.01 is... they have been watching rather closely lately.

just berfore I head off to work

So, I see what you have tried to do.
I am on to you. I knew it would come to this, so I came prepared. I took every precaution to avoid your trap, and in the end. I win. I let you think I gave into your attempts, but You will see later that i am the one who controls the situation.

Moral: Don't assume that you are the pack leader, you usually are wrong. If you are the one that "pack leader" thinks is the "underdog", the illusion you provide is one of your most powerful attributes. Wink more.

2001: A space Odyssey --> sucks!

Even if you understand the futurism behind it, it still sucks. The shots are too long, and the ape scene is too -- how to say-- overly dramatic.

why

i am sure that you told me already, but i can't remember why you don't like my new friend. I don't think that he is slime. Just because he has one friend that is a shithead doesn't mean that he is, although i do value your opinion. Moore than most others. I just wish that you would remind me why you don't like him.

reality

We don't know what life is, yet we're still alive.
- a quote taken from The Mother by Witkacy

why?

I ask myself why a lot. Especially when it concerns things I have chosen to do. I suppose that communication is a good thing. But last night was a rough time. I feel like a jerk now... but I am sort of glad that I said it, because now I am not just internalizing it all. Maybe it even explains why I it has been about three weeks since I have really done anything about it...

something wonderful

Every instant message of my recent life is documented. All except for one. I never thought I would enjoy that. But i liked what happened today. It is all gone, this one conversation i mean. But it is like it only happened for me and this other person. Memories only.

i love it.

on women

I don't really know how I feel about women. They tend to be rather needy.
Maybe I am just jaded, but it seems that most of the needy people that I See in my life are females. My mother, Ann, even some of my professional friends. Really, it is not that i don't like helping people, but seriously? Do you really expect me to do that? People wonder why I am so stressed out, and why It is taking so long to go through school. Why I am sometimes late to work, late to class, late for my own things; because I am busy doing things for these people; I am not putting myself first. It gives me a sense of worth, knowing that they appreciate me-- but suddenly I am starting to feel that they don't appreciate me.
I am not one to ask for assistance unless I have done as much myself as possible. And, as I have noticed, my guy friends are the same way. But these women-- are they even trying? I am not sure anymore.

say what?!?!?

all I will say is:
Dream
Captain of a Football Team
Homosexual Deviance
Nice Guy
Filtered Water
Dish Soap on Tap

This translates to an idea that society has painted into my mind. I attribute this to a thing i heard on the news yesterday, about how a congressman or someone wants some football player to be let off the hook for lying to congress.

triscuits

I have had so many varieties of triscuits crackers recently, and something funny happened today:
I got a plain triscuit in my box of rosemary and olive oil triscuits.
Oh, the shame!

I knew it would happen eventually

Good morning, Fru!
Didn't expect that I would bump into you. I suppose that it was to be expected.

jobs

you know what job would be really embarrassing to have?
set designer for adult films... hehehe.

what I did

I just did something great. I showed restraint. Go me...

she had it right

The only way out is through. I will grant her that.
In my modernism class we find ourselves asking "is there a away out?" I finally had the prefect answer one day, it was the day of futurism--> the only way out is through.

We have to live life in order to get trough it. Formism says that drugs are what we need. Cubism says that we need to break out of the society that holds us, remove ourselves. Naturalism says that we can get out by the removing the people that are above us in society. Symbolism says that we can't get out unless a greater force pulls us out. It might even be argued that Dadaism has a claim in saying that life is "just a joke", getting out is avoiding the whole purpose.

So, the only way out is by staying in. Refuse to leave until the the end presents itself to you.

I would have

I would have knocked on your door and asked if you are ok. But, now, I do not. Why? Because you can not see my good intentions. So, instead, i put on my headphones and act like i can't hear you.

I can have a heart of ice.

on alain

alain: so look down
Me: look down at what exactly?
alain: its help you to communicate
alain: we say that when someone flyes to high
alain: for the other birds who have to follow...
alain: hehe

into your folder

I am adding this to your folder... into your folder, with your name.

logs

god... I feel gayer already...
I really am so confused by straight boys, I think that they should all take relationship advice from me.

I'm troubled

that is what said today when Sam asked me how I am. I'm troubled. I have finals coming up, papers to write, and oral presentations to memorize. This whole thing with me showing up late to work yesterday is also killing me. I was so looking forward to having the day off and spending much time with Josh, but it was ripped from me. I have made a new friend, but he fucked it up, so now we aren't really as much of friends as we were 24 hours ago. Actually, I can't seem to understand why he has been in such a way as he is. He got really snippy last night when i spoke with him.
I think that I should listen to ed more that i do. I mean I listen to him a lot and usually take his advice, but for some reason i seem to resist him on this subject and those closely related to it. He was right last time, and will probably be right this time.
I would also like to mention that I had a nice time with page rock climbing. I hope that we continue to do it. I already told josh that i want him to try it. I think that Conrad will also like it. Something tells me that Conrad will be better at it than Josh... just a hunch... heheh. right. And the guy that ballad (spelling?) me was really nice, and I hope to see him there again. I would smile. (this sentence is a replacement for what I am not sure I really want to put there... i am so unhappy with every guy that i see walking down the street, right now.)
Oh, and I can't forget that I have to wash all my pants tonight.

I have no moral of the story for you readers... sorry. I will try to be of more help to your souls later...

we'd ask you to take a bow

but I am afraid your audience might try and kill you wile you are down.
I hate street performers that suck at it. I watched a guy way back when performing live, and he was just terrible-- simply terrible. But he tried, and that gets him major points. Enough for me to applaud him. I like to be entertained, so, you know.. he did his best. The best he could.
Here is the moral: as long as you do the very best you can, there will be someone who will appreciate it. So, take a bow, but be sure that at least someone is there clapping.

I know more now

I know more now than before about how to hunt someone. I hate to call it htat, but it really is that exactly, a hunt that I do. Sometimes they run, sometimes, I get them before they even know I am hunting them. I recently have gotten the resources to do --
OH my god.
I can't believe it. He has changed. He is no longer a jerk... I think. There was a post I created a very long time ago... april 25, 2007. It was about the same situation, only this time McCarren opened the door. And there was nothing snide about it. I suppose I should thank God for small miracles, but then again, it is only making it more difficult to let it go and write him off as a bad person.

I suppose that this is ... a dead point?
september 8, 2007

Someone who does not share the specifics of a culture remains an outsider, no matter how astute as student they are or how well meaning their intentions. I declined a white director not on the basis of race but on the basis of culture. White directors are not qualified for the job. The job requires someone who shares the specifics of the culture of black Americans

-Wilson, August. I want a Black Director

Are you serious? no wonder nobody liked you. You really were just some angry old black man who felt that no white boy could do anything as well as you. People that boil up that hatred, like you, are the reason that there exists racism. You needed to get over your past and understand that children are mean to everyone, not just you because you were black. Get over yourself and let Spielberg give your script a shot.

Under the radar

Under the radar my ass!
You can't do that... this is my blog.

who are you

who the hell are you to judge people?
For that matter, who am I to do so?

the ring

I just watched a widow give her son her wedding ring to give to his soon to be fiance. how sweet.

Cubism

I like cubism plays. They make no sense, but are still amazing.

the post

I posted a question on the forum and I received a reply from a person that i blocked their posts. I immediately said, well, maybe they posted a recipe, it was in request of a recipe that i posted. So I selected to view his post. It was a smart ass answer... no help to me.
SO the moral is, usually if someone is an asshole for years, they are still going to be one today and tomorrow.

Desires slippped away by the tail

There is a play by Pablo Picasso called, "Desire caught by the tail." I haven't read it, but I can assume that the title has something to do with it. My recent desire slipped away by the tail... how very sad, before I even knew I had caught it, it had escaped. Stupid tail!

Moral for the reader: If you find yourself satisfied, don't ask questions.

Tu

why do you feel the need to lie to me? I can see right through you, and see what happened to you.

There was a message to my readers, but it was put away from view to make room for my ranting. Now it is all gone.

alrighty, reflections?

I realized something, the reason why I see what is going on with those two is because I did it, too! I am guilty of trying to be someone I am not. Of trying to adapt my ways to be more compatible with someone else. I am not really that interesting of a person, so I extend myself into a new realm of me where i am just a bit more of whoever I want to be around. For example (and I am sure that josh doesn't want to hear this, but it is for my own good), a certain guy that has recently found out that i have lusted after him for over a year sees a more confident me, a more certain Kevin. While another guy will see a more playful me. I use all these personas to fit with these people better. I suppose the only ones that are worth it ins the end are those that i can be me around...

Any comments from others who have been in this boat?

bless you

bless you for trying, and I forgive you for your failure. This is about an entirely different person, not the one that tried to get me to befriend him by being someone else. You are stuck were you are. I wish you the best, but I need to let you fall on your own feet, maybe fall to your knees, I don't know. I hope that you will be humbled by this, that you can grow into something better. I can not help you out tonight, you are stuck in the middle with yourself. If you run from it, it will catch up to you, and you will be in trouble with yourself...good luck talking your way out of that one.

Moral: live, learn, fall in love, pick up the pieces when they break your heart, then get back on the horse, and ride off into the sunset.

I see you, not the fake one

I can see what you are trying to do, and i appreciate it, but really it isn't necessary. This mask that you put on is only fooling yourself. Just be honest with me, or else... I will think something different then the truth. You can not maintain this idea that you present to me. I see that you are trying to reach me on my level, but i have no problem meeting you halfway.
That was sort of my monologue for a guy that I really should tell you all more about, I don't think I have ever mentioned him on this blog before, he really is nothing too special-- no, he is special, but he can't see it. He might have some feelings for me or something, I am not sure, but I see that he is trying too hard to connect with me. He tried to get me excited about something that he knows i have a passion for, and his assumption that an extreme of that would excite me. But it simply fell through.
Sot he moral of the story is, just be yourself, if you make a friend being someone who you aren't then they really aren't YOUR friend, they are a friend of your created persona.

A walk to remember

This was a cute movie... till they had sex in the car.
err... sorry, i get bored sometimes and wander off. I'll bet she is terminally ill.

I needed that

Thanks, dude. I really needed that chat. I really think that you are a wonderful person, and that your very lucky to have met your girlfriend, but not nearly as lucky as she is. I would admit that I am am a bit jealous, but she talked my straight out of that idea. I see that I am lucky to have Josh, who really cares for me.
Thanks for being there.

the look

I gave the look today. I have never meant it so much. It was such an uncalled for thing, and I could only return the spite with that look. In that moment, I know that I was hated, and i could do nothing more than take it in, and put back out a distilled form of emotion.

some good news

alright, having spewed out my negative thoughts and a moral of the story... I am left with nothing better to tell the audience than my joys.
So, here is a wonderful thing that happened today.
I was talking to a girl, one who grew up in a very christian house, and she asked why people bother to live, what is the point. I told her so many different things, most of which were my explanations of great proverbs and teachings. I finished with a question that mirrored hers, "Where are you going so fast?" I told her to enjoy life, that the meaning of life is to live. When you remove all the verbs and nouns of your day, you have adjectives. These are what living is. All the senses clouding around you.
I told her the story of Siddhartha Gautama and the flower when she asked about the end of life, telling her that people refuse anything but the absolute. That if she names something, she has limited it to that.
I told her that she was very formist in her thoughts about life, not that she was drugged up, but that she was breaking it all down to something that abandons reality so much that it abandons dreams.
I think I helped her understand a bit... and i understand it more myself. It is all about believing, that is faith.

So, I close tonight with a song.
There's a place so i've heard,
where troubles souls lay in fields of green.
Nature roams free there.

I like the fact that the song is never the same...

with this ship

The moral of tonight, for me at least, is don't abandon ship if you are responsible for it...
Perhaps I stated that wrong-- Sometimes you need to stick it out till the end. I am not advocating that you punish yourself for your past (in fact, do us all a favor and forgive yourself) but i am not saying that you can just pick up and leave your messes around.
I recently saw a guy who I used to know. He never grew up, really he is almost a child. He needs to learn that people are not going to solve his problems. My mother is very similar in this aspect. As am I sometimes. But the difference is that I do something about it.

Guy at Axis II

OK, so I made a post on the 10th about a guy at axis. i heard that he is bad news, but he doesn't look like it... well, looks can be deceiving. I like to think that the raptor would stay clear of him if he were bad news. I prefer to keep the illusion that the raptor cares more about me than the people who he knows once removed... I could be wrong.
However, the raptor is not the subject of this post. A certain character in blue underwear is. hahah, you must forgive me, if you are reading this, Joel. I was rather taken with you at first glance. If your personality checks out, you might be worth keeping on my IM list.
Now, as far as the line I said before, "Turns out that he is no good". I am afraid that it might not be true. I fear that he might be a good guy, and fear it because that means that someone did not want me to see him in a positive light. This person has nothing to fear from this guy. He is a hot boy, I will call it what it is. There is nothing to fear...

Crime of necessity.

both of you

there are two of you that i know will never read this blog, so I can speak frankly. I will admit that you make me smile, both of you, and that I briefly had feelings for you both - briefly. But I see that there is nothing good in that. I am not single any more, and i am not up for random sex. To the first gentleman; I am glad that you are there in my life. You are one of my favorite customers. To the second guy. thanks for the laugh, thanks for the pleasant surprise, but you are just... showing up at the wrong time.

poor fred

Fred got rejected today, I always knew that he was a freak...
Luckily, he has no feelings and is simply a tool that i can use to frighten people. Maybe some good will come of him one day, frightening the right person. Maybe he can make a jerk afraid to be a jerk anymore. I am sure that one can assume what happened. Mr. Terri sent a note to a person, and in it he dropped a clue that allowed him to plant a seed of fear into someone else, should the need arise.
When the conversation went bad and Fred was rejected he put out one piece of information: that latitude and longitude of the person with whom he spoke; in real time... to the 1/100 of a second. (latitude-inally speaking). Unfortuntly he will not get to see the fruits of his labor...

Fianlly said it

I finally went off today, luckily I was not in class. I was outside in the hall. I just got out of my design class (a.k.a. ass licking 201). I was very frustrated by the entire process that we have to go through, and rather pissed that i was penalized for the same thing that I had lost points for the first time because she didn't hand back the assignments soon enough.
Anyway, I finally said what i have been thinking for a long time about that class, "They are just trying to justify this bullshit course by giving us a shitload of work!" and then I felt better.

I ar't the emo one

How dare you? For that matter, how dare anyone? Sex is something closed to the public world.
I often feel that I might have made a mistake in my past, one which I am afraid I am not up for discussing on the internet.
Instead I will tell you a story, which involves a lot of the same emotions (very few of the same actions) as my situation. It involves a denim bag, a pile of scratched CDs, and a boy that didn’t know who he really was seeing. There was a girl who completely lost herself and tried to regain her identity through sex of all things. Eventually meeting the above mentioned boy, she tried to seduce him, and it never worked out. She left a denim bag at his house and borrowed a pile of his CDs in an attempt to make more reasons to see him.
Frustrated to the point of insanity, he started to see her as stalking him. He eventually had sex with her, but it was not a good thing. She cried rape a few days later once she realized that the name she had created for herself was “whore”. She quickly was called a victim, and he labeled a sexual predator. There was no proof of anything occurring, except that the CDs and the Bag served to prove that they knew each other.
She never did come to a profile she liked, but he lost so much. The emotions involved are shared by my story; abandonment, lies, and betrayal. Once one party has what they want, or realize that they will not get what they want, they are gone. That is what has happened to me, a long time ago it happened, and I just came to realize it today. I was used by someone, to make them feel better about themselves. I was the only one who loses out in the end.

Admitting evil

I don't understand why people decide to admit that they cut corners to those who are grading them. As if the honesty will get them a better grade? If you manage to find the information needed to summarize a play online, without cracking a book, you do NOT write that you used internet summaries on your paper. You simply defend to the end that you read it, but it was long and you don't retain well. That ties up the loose ends and won't get you caught for academic misconduct, Mr. G.
Now, when you reach the classroom, you do not participate in the conversation, and you do not try and counter what others are saying (others who have read the book). That is a simple idea: sit down and keep your mouth shut. If you are asked for input, then you cite a very specific detail that is so trivial that it could be interpreted in infinite number of ways.

gave me goosebumps

I have to read a play for my 674 class, here is an excerpt.

IF I HAD MY WAY
IF I HAD MY WAY
IF I HAD MY WAY
I WOULD TEAR THIS OLD BUILDING DOWN.

It has to do with blacks/whites.

In reflection of Yesterday's post

The post about what it feels like to die; that was a speculation. Not a report of death. I have not, in any sense of the word, died. Neither expressly or implied. I do not know what it is to die, but if I get the chance to tell you I will.
Tonight was a different realization, about fear and what it is to be afraid. I was afraid that my fears would forever haunt me, that was the fear. Not death, or fire, or falling, or anything like that; just fear.

Expected and confirmed

I expected something to happen, and then it did. I was right... always right in this regard. Like reading a book, I knew what would happen. I fall within parameters specific. Although I did sway the convicted minds in one direction.

What are you so afraid of?

I realized that the most terrifying thing of all is the idea that fear might not end. I had a thought today that involved a few minuets of being afraid that my situation would never improve, or even return to how average it might have been before. I was afraid that I was locked into a different .. world of being. Does that make sense? or just sound stoner-ishy. Anyway, I was afraid that I had changed my life forever.. and that I would never be able to undo the damage I had caused.
Fear is nothing more than that, there is no logical reason to be afraid.. well there is reason, but it serves very little purpose. The fear that i felt about a damage to my world would not be made better by examining it. It was just illogical.
I am tired, and bed is looking nice. I hope i sleep well... I hope that I sleep nicely.

less than 30 days

in less than 30 days I have grown a lot. It started with me and Matt breaking up, went through a few different guys, and I eventually found one that I like enough to put forth an effort.
It is really a short time period, but it has a nice ending.
I feel like I don't really talk about josh enough, I mean on here. In the real world, all my friends know about him, and some have met him. But this blog talks more about the other guys in my life.

What it feels like to die

It is like someone comes from behind, and suddenly covers your eyes. He doesn't even say,"Guess who?" and then suddenly takes his hands away. But there's no one there. There's only you with a little less of yourself, just standing there.

Actually is not like there's really much to it.
It's not really a big deal, you kind of get used to it.

About the plants

I changed the plant on my desk yesterday - the other one died. Well, it isn't dead, it is sitting on the hearth downstairs. The point is that i replaced it with a hearty one. Both came from Matt, I managed to kill one (I blame it on the moving from Matt's house to mine.)
Anyway, death is part of life... really I meant to write something deeper, but it failed.

Sukassa

If you found yourself trapped in something that isn't reality, how would you feel? There is a tale about a boy who is trapped in a world that others are free to come and go from. He has an unnamed tie to the world, but it is not by choice that he stays. He is the only person who can feel pain or smell scents or anything that isn't related to sight or hearing, which is all that he others have to experience. This sets him apart and causes him to be an outcast.
I return to the question, if you are trapped and the only one trapped, how scared would you be? I would be shitty scared!! There is nothing so frightening than being alone... within reason.

Guy at axis

Went to axis with josh and Erin and saw a guy on the box. That was about it. My lasers didn't work in that small amount of fog... But i did end up seeing a very pretty boy. Turns out that he is no good, although he was hot. Turns out though, that the Raptor knows him, so I got his name. I sent him a facebook message, but there was no reply. End of story.

Digging deeper.

Run on, for a long time.
Six little words. ON the surface it looks like it means a lot, but really it means nearly nothing. Those words are just the first line of a song.
Now, this exercise shows something to the readers. Sometimes I don't mean anything more than what these words are. It is rare, but every so often I am just straight forward.
I was asked lately what the post four oer five below this one means... I don't even see how they can think there is a deeper meaning. That post is about BT and Steve. Ed might have been mentioned in there, but there is nothing deeper!

august wilson

whoa... Crazy shit goes on with this guy. I am going to be writing a paper about how he has a recurring theme of blacks returning to the south.
Oh, and about me saying things like "Blacks", "Negros", or using any other racially based term. I am allowed to do that. Deal with it bitches, this is my blog, and i will do what I want.

From ann

Dear Kevin, Your mom told me, recently, that Matt and you have broken up. Don't be angry with her, for telling me. I was worried about you. Lately, you have seemed, somewhere else. I just wanted to say that I hope you know how truly special you are. You are going to find someone, who matters. You have such an incredible life, ahead of you. None of that helps to know, right now, but I just wanted to remind you of this. -- Much love, Ann

Case closed

I had a dream last night about someone that i thought was gone from my life.
Anthony. I dreamt that i was in this school building and that there was a drop ceiling type thing. A bunch of people and I were ripping down the ceiling to expose there odd light fixtures behind them. I was in a room with Anthony and then in came this woman with hair that came down to her mid back, very curly rather auburn colors. It turns out that the woman was Anthony's mother, and some that she had some sort of cancer, I can't remember what type of cancer it was. But She left the room and I turned to Anthony, and said something about it. Then he jumped across the table at me and started to attack me... then after a few punches he started to just cry. I comforted him as he half struggled away from me. And that was all I remember.

I doubt it mean much, nothing more than I already know. I thought that I was done with Anthony, but I suppose not. My mind is still on him sometimes. Not that there is anything terribly wrong with that, he is still a nice guy. I still think about that one time in class where I started to put the moves on him... it was pretty bad. But despite that, he was still cool. Anyway, on toward the morning.

Play on...

Life doesn't stop, that is not a new message for my readers. I have come to see this concept differently recently: I can't stop to dwell on the past.
I saw a movie last night called P.S. I Love You. It wasn't too bad, but it was definitely written by a woman. There were shoes in it... Anyway, it was about a woman who's husband died of a brain tumor. She locks herself away until receiving letters for her that he left before he died. She lives on these letters for an entire year, and almost puts her whole life on hold for him. In the end she moves on, but that is not the point. The point is that she needs him to help her move on.
I moved on from Matt, and pretty fast. By that I do not mean that I went out an fucked a bunch of guys. Far from that. I started to go out a lot more with friends, one in particular (thanks Ed, you have been a life saver). I met four guys: James, Kestas, Rich, and Josh.
James ended poorly, but i learned from that.
Kestas ended when I stood back and saw the whole person, rather than just an illusion I created.
Rich ended because I stopped trying.
And that leaves one Little Indian: Josh... We will see what happens.