Matt came to visit

For a very long time i have wanted to see Matt again.  And last night I got to.  He was in northern Ohio visiting family and he came to visit me in Columbus.  I was happy to see him, and it was nice to catch up; show him what has happened in my life.    But I realized something:  We could not have made it together.  I grew up, he did not.  By the end of the trip I was sure that there is no longer chemistry.  We are simply friends now, no spark of emotional connection.  I no longer carry a flame for him.
Many would find this sad, I am sure he is one of those people, but I am not upset by it.  I am relieved.  I am moving to New York in a few months, and I am tyeing up loose ends.  He is a loose end.
We were torn apart by his career, which sounds pretty grown up, doesn't it?  But that tear left us both without closure.  I remembered only the found moments, and there were plenty of them, and neglected his short comings.  Now I see that he is not my ideal mate, and I am glad to know this.

...I am glad to know this...

A good Laugh

Russians

Doing what I do, you meet a lot of high power people.  But none compares to my friend (I now call him a friend rather than a client) Steve.  I will not disclose his last name.  Anyway, Steve invited me out last night to a bar to celebrate his birthday.  Where I met some of his other friends, all high powered people.  It would seem that success attracts success.  I have said this before, but it is always nice to see it come into fruition.

Moral: make new friends, and be sure to conduct yourself in a manner which does not destroy your social image.

Story of motivation dying:

 1. Hey, I want to get in shape. I CAN DO IT!        

2. How the heck do I do it? Let's do some research...

3. Great, I found the perfect routine for my body type.  I can make this work!

4. How the fuck do I do this exercise?!?  And I need the equipment... I should go to a gym!

 5. A membership costs how much!?!  And  I am embarrassed to even be here until I'm in better shape, and know how to do these exercises, and how much weight to put on the stupid bar... oh, wait, the bar alone weighs 45 pounds!?! can I even lift that?!?

6. Maybe I can find a friend to go with me and he can tell me how much weight to use and how to do each of the exercises on this little sheet I printed offline... No? "I'll slow you down?" "your schedule is too different than mine?" "you charge HOW MUCH to do that?... YOU'RE NOT EVEN A PERSONAL TRAINER! DON'T YOU HAVE TO GET CERTIFIED OR SOMETHING BEFORE YOU CAN CHARGE ME?!?"

7.  i can't do it.

UFC is for gay men

One Day, the UFC is going to realize that they have a huge gay following.  Then there will be a slip up and some of the "Gay Budweiser" commercials will start to make their way into the rotation.   Dakota Cochrane featured above.

A straight boy in disguise

Dear Kevin,
     Please wear a condom.  I gave advice several years ago to a man in a similar position.Read my response to Robert Here
I have no idea how it all went with him, but I like to think that my advice was good.  His situation was a bit more complicated as there were kids involved, so for you I offer different advice; fuck him.
Yup, give it to him hard.  So hard that you make him wonder why he should even bother with women.  But wrap it up, cause guys like him (identity crisis) often have a habit of meeting people off craigslist or other places that may not be the cleanest, and guys like him are often afraid to get checked cause they don't want to be a "dirty homo".
Moral: always wear a condom, even if he says he's "never had sex with another guy"...

Rest in Peace

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Dear Randy

Randy just came out on FaceBook.


Randy, I am happy for you. I hope nothing but acceptance for you on your road ahead. There will be some who this will upset, and some of those people will truly be important to you. When people say "if they don't accept you , they don't matter" they are trying to be supportive, but I (and other Gay (capitol "G") people) know that is not true; some of the closest people will not accept this and may leave you. For this I wish I could apologize on their behalf, but I cannot. As you progress forward, and build yourself into a better man you must remember that being Gay is a Right, but you should treat it like a Privilege. Do not make the mistakes many men make when they first come out. You must not loose yourself in a sea of rainbows, keep your head.

On Circumcision and the Right to Genital Integrity (actually off topic)

My friend page has recently been on a kick about circumcision.  My views on this are not why I am writing this post,  I write this to bring a point to the surface.  The topic of my post is more on the word "Right".

Let's look closer at that word: Right.

A right is the same as a claim, however you never have the earn it.  You have a right to breath, a right to imagine, a right to think.  You have the right to be.  You are born with these rights.  All of them are good things.  You also have the right to live, and the right to try and be the best you can be.  All good things.  The right to remove your shoes and walk in the oceans.  That is one of my favorite rights.  You even have the right to put patches over your eyes and cotton in your ears so that you can live life deaf and blindly: wait... why the hell would you want to do that? (maybe some sort of religious harrowing?  Which you have a right to put yourself through, also.)  You have a right to eat nothing but multivitamins and food bulking agents for the rest of your life-- now that sounds like a horrid fate!

So why would you not want to do those last two?  Cause you don't want to.  It's that simple.  Now let's look at why you don't want to...

It's likely cause you live in a society where your parents and elders said that is a bad idea. And you know what..?  They are right.  You enjoy your life because you receive positive feedback from people, it feels good to be with the fold.  I am not saying that you should conform, I'm saying that it feels good to.

Now.  Let's talk about why you want rights.  Why? you want a right cause it feels good when you exercise it: it feels good to take off your shoes and walk in the ocean.  If it doesn't feel good (like the above mentioned examples), and you have the right, big deal? you won't exercise it anyway.  I do not have a foreskin.  I feel fine, I have no desire to get one.  If I had a "right" to grow one back (and the ability to do so) I would not choose to regain my "right to genital Integrity".

Case Closed.

Desiderata

You are a child of the universe
 No less than the trees and the stars
And you have a right to be here
And whether or not it is clear to you
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should
Therefore, be at peace with God
Whatever you conceive him to be
And whatever your labors and aspirations
In the noisy confusion of life
Keep peace with your soul
As far as possible, without surrender
Be on good terms with all persons
Speak your truth quietly and clearly
And listen to the dull and ignorant
They too have their story
Avoid loud and aggressive persons
They are vexatious to the spirit
If you compare yourself with others
You may become vain or bitter
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans
Keep interested in your career however humble it is
A real possession in the changing fortunes of time
Be yourself
Especially do not feign affection
Neither be cynical about love
Take kindly the council of the years
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune
But do not distress yourself with imaginings
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness
Beyond a wholesome discipline
Be gentle to yourself
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
It is still a beautiful world
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste
And remember what peace there maybe in the silence


I try to be, I strive to be
Oh I wish to be happy

Everyday Gay rights are denied in America. But we must remember that equalizing rights are a distant second to eliminating violence.  Original photo by mark of The Boston Herald, then I added the words.

When it is real

A few days ago a man passed away because a of a disease.  Now, here is the kicker, he have 48 people the bacteria before it took him out.  A photo of him was put out and everyone who was in contact with him was encouraged to go get tested.  Because of his position, he was a social figurehead.  And he went by a different name on Facebook than in real life.  I believe this was so that the people who actually knew him could differentiate between who he truly knew and those he didn't.  I was a friend of his, for real, so I knew the real name.  And I was amazed when i found out he passed away, but I didn't get angry until the people who put out the photo referred to him by his stage name. It was upsetting because it was like they didn't even bother to find out the truth of him.  That, and they used the photo of him that I hate cause it makes him look like a douchbag.

Standing Still

Sarah Brightman has a song called The Journey Home.  The premises of the song is about returning home, but there is one line in particular that is applicable to my life right now.

"Not every road you come across
Is one you have to take
No, sometimes standing still can be
The best move you ever make"

I will soon be heading from larger pastures, I hope they turn out to be greener.  But that is not till April.  Until then, I am presented with many options and opportunities.  Two in particular have presented themselves in the past 24 hours.  One in southern Ohio and one in Louisville, Kentucky.  Both look great, but neither are in New York.  I have already made up my mind that I am going to New York.  And so what do I do about these two?
I believe that the best course of action is to pursue both until I come to a point of commuting to a project.  Neither seems to be a non-compete right now.  And hopefully I can start and complete at least one project before April.

With the Elections coming up

Keep this in mind: it is possible to conduct reasoned, civilized, even impassion debates, without resorting ot name-calling and mud-slinging.  And it is acceptable (indeed admirable) to "agree to disagree".  A "winner" does not have to be pronounced for parties to end the debate.  Remember, victory is no confired on the person who has the last word.

I am not a whore

I had the pleasure of going out to a night club with a real man-whore the other night and since then I have had a foul taste in my mouth regarding the scene.  I saw that he knew every guy.  I would say things like "oh, he's cute" or "look at the arms on that one" and almost always he would say that he had slept with each guy.  I don't want to be that.  Just imagine what they all thought of him.
So, I have decided (this was days ago, and I am proud to say I am successful) in being anything but a slut.  I am not going to give my number to anyone for a while.

Moral: you can learn from other's mistakes.

Never have I Ever

I have never been one to feel the world owes me something, but I am good person.  And every once in a while I want a piece of the pie.  There is a old idea of a "pie in the sky", basically it referrers to having to suffer to get your reward.  I am an advocate of hard work to reach your goals, don't get me wrong, but have you ever stepped back and said "When is it my turn?"
With that in mind, I guess i should just work harder-  HA! that is exactly what got me into this situation.  I can do one of two things, I can either admit defeat and let the load crush me or I can maintain that one day I will be a better person for all the work I have done.  Hard work.
...  But no man ever turned a plow into a scepter.  Fuck the Pie (in the Sky).

This summer

Ahh, the summer. I wish I could say that all things in my life have been going great. For the most part, everything is fine. I have been chugging away and making progress toward... uhm... I don't know. I am kind of lost. I feel a bit like I am just floating. I am trying to grow my business, actually just yesterday I sent in my resume to a Columbus company that is looking for freelance lighting designers. I hope that something good pans out of that. I have also been making new friends and trimming away old ones that are no longer very close to me. It is like a cycle.

I broke two hearts this summer, Josh and Brandon. josh was 5 years, good lord... Brandon feels it was 2 months... I didn't think we were dating, I just thought we were friends that had sex a few times. But you know what? Josh really did love me. I know that now, and I knew that then. I loved him. Despite the break up, I still care about him. He will always hold a place in my heart, I will always remember the good things about him. And those memories make me smile. Brandon thought he loved me (I think...) but he was a little too crazy for me, plus he was just not very nice to me. But I am not here to bash him.

In Summation: If you think it will go nowhere (Brandon), break it off. If it was beautiful once (josh), cherish the memories. If it is just starting (My lighting company), help it grow.

(And you thought it was all just random babbling... haha. thanks for reading, guys.)

Dear SolariusYuuhi

I read your story and I am sorry that all those terrible things happened to you. But I am also happy to hear that you have bounced back. It will take time, and although Soleanna's memory will never be gone, you will love again. And I hope that you get to feel the pride of fatherhood in your life. As for the withdrawl from your family, I encourage you to not venture too far from them. They are on your side. Don't push them away. I wish I could give you some advice, all wrapped up in a pretty bow, but I don't know what to say; excpet, I am sorry for your losses, and I hope to hear good news from you soon.

Actually, I just don't like pushy people

0:40 Name calling - Non-sequeter 2:00 Personal Choice? Yes, parents make choices for their children until the age of 18. These choices are made based on their own experiences. Fathers should be consulted on this matter. 3:30 Appeal to tradition: I believe that he is appealing to the fact that it has been successfully done for thousands of years (Success as in repeated once men have seen the results, we still wish it done to our sons) 4:00 Ok to rape someone if you use a roofie - Straw Man Argument 5:08 records of boy babies dying or having infections FROM CIRCUMCISION are not shown nor sourced. Therefore this bit of the argument should be struck from the video. 8:00 this procedure is not the only exception. Syndactyly repair, polydactyl repair, Ectrodactyly repair. And those are all just on the hands, and none are life threatening syndromes. Should I keep going? 8:30 Male breast cancer is 1 in 1,000. There were 40 million male babies born in 2011, that means that 400, thousand will be at risk for male breast cancer. The number is still high enough to draw attention, so should not be used to demean efforts to prevent other cancers. 9:00 The correlation of those numbers is not direct, other aspects of health such as diet and lifestyle (yes, I am also talking about sexual lifestyle) impact the numbers also. 9:50 The speaker is using an example where the lowest sample rate (4% total HIV infection) is over 100 times the rate of the area of the proposed ban. That is an unparallelled argument. (FYI, the highest rate of 41 percent HIV infection is more than 1000 times the California numbers, but since the speaker has already decided that 1 in 1000 is negligible at 8:30 it doesn't matter) 12:30 Wait... we aren't talking about female circumcision. Laws are already in place regarding those. Non-sequeter

Dear Fra, Here is a little secret: Women love words. So tell her how you feel. Say it! Then say it again. Then find a different way to say it; write it, sing it, scratch it into a tree or cement. Just let her know, but you have to use the words. Women are dumb (so says the gay guy), so be direct with her. Trust me, she will love to hear it. And keep an optimistic mind about it, because confidence is a sexy.

I like Ben even more now. I had always been a fan of Ben Cohen, as I like what he stands for; kind of a defender. I have always been very lucky to not have to deal with bullies, maybe because I have always had friends to be around so bullies couldn't get in. Anyway, some of the younger generation doesn't have that luxury. And that is were Ben Cohen comes into play. I used to just think he was hot, with a good cause as a bonus. Now I see that he is much more than that.

The couch

We are all faced with decisions every day. Sometimes is is a couch, sometimes it is a more important decision, often times a less important one. But every time it is a permanent one. You can return a couch, but the time wasted won't come back.
I am not going to get any younger. I only have so much time on this earth. You want to sped as much time as possible sitting on the right couch. You want to surround yourself with the right people as much as possible. You want to have children and be with them. If a couple is trying to get pregnant, they want it sooner rather than later.

open your chakras

I have combined a few things, mostly the ancient ideology of chakras and the art of reflexology. here is the chart I made, don't try

it if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.

Por Te

I wish you happiness in all your endeavors, and joy in all corners of your life. If only you saw yourself the way I see you, rather than you seeing yourself as I see me; you would know just how amazing you are. I regret not spending every moment with you, instead of spreading myself thinly between so much. Time can not be returned to us, we have spent it already.
As I see you now, older and married to your own life, rather than a life together. Now all of us have settled down, controlling ourselves to give our hearts to one. There is no longer a face to reach out and touch, no longer a hand to press against my chest. So tell me, now, moments before you turn away from me, and make it so I can't speak. Here like smoke in a balloon, contained and enjoyed through a membrane.

you are gone from me. but you haven't even left.

Moral: Be great to each other.

Random Strangers

I was at Walmart (I know) and I saw a gentleman looking for a remote control for his TV. He was on the phone, and obviously confused about which one to get. I said, "what are you looking for?" and he told me his dilemma. I quickly solved it. But he wasn't finished there, he wanted my advice on a set-top box, I gave him the advice after comparing two models and the conversation continued... for an hour. Literally we talked about such a huge range of topics it isn't even funny. He has my number (no sexual attraction, just figured it was good form in case he wanted to ever chat again.)

moral: minuscule events can have amazing consequences.

My friend Scott

I have a friend who lives out of the state. Not a big deal. But I think that we might want to get together soon. Let me rephrase that, we want to get together now but we are both very busy. That is not the real reason...
OK, here is the skinny. Never actually met in person, only through digital means. He invited me to (open invitation) come to Iowa to visit him. I really want to, but that is not a good idea. I know what will happen: Sex. and then we will get emotional and that will mess up everything.
If it were only Iowa, it wouldn't be so bad, but he is leaving for Texas in the fall. I will likely never see him again in person.

Moral: Sometimes when you really want to do something, you find the best thing to do is nothing.

Cho

Those S&M people; they're really bossy.

I am moving

I am moving down the road, hence why I have been so slow to post. But that is no the point. The point is-- where did all these jock straps come from? I thought I only had one, but so far,I have seen three and I still have 4 more drawers to pack up.

moral: moving is a great time for cleaning out the closet.

Got ToHell!

I was recently told I was going to hell, this isn't a new thing for me (I have been told this before) but this was different. Normally it is a person who is calling me a sinner because I am doing something they are not (in this case, being a homosexual). But this was very different because it was not as much "you're going to Hell" as "we are going to hell". I was told this by another gay man. He is from a far away place where being gay is a sign of evil. Regardless of whether he acts on his urges or not, he is dammed. And I am dammed just as he, according to him. I refuse to believe this, how can he and I being cast into fire just for being who we are? After many long moments of silence, I asked him "Does this keep you from acting on what your body tells you to do?"

"No, I still like men. And I am going to have sex with them, and you will too."

...Wait, what? I still don't understand this. Is it that he feels he can't escape it, so he is going to enjoy it, or what?
Nope, he just doesn't want me to live in fear of the fire.
Moral: sometimes those around you want you to make the best of a bad situation. And sometimes they are dead wrong. He is wrong, God has not abandoned me, and He does not hold this against me.

Newly SIngle

I am newly single, and I must say... nothing is different yet 5 days a week. I still get up and go to work, come home and go to sleep. But on those other two days I am a totally new man. I have started to make art again, in preparation for my new apartment. The above is five motherboards that I mounted to a board and will be wiring together to hang on a wall. It isn't as creative as I used to be, but it is a start. I am going to dive deeper into my lighting, currently working on a big project that I won't bore you with.
I dated Josh (photo is to the right) for 4 1/2 years. That is a long time. We were good together, that is why it lasted so long. We will try to be friends, but the reality is... I don't think it will work. We are starting to get more harsh with each other; him more judgmental and me more apathetic. I will be moving in less than two weeks. And what will happen then? He will not be here when that happens, he will be out of town on business. Initially I thought of just leaving during the week and not telling him that I was going to to. But that was a juvenile idea, reaped from hurt feelings. He has been good to me.

I will never forget him.

Moral: Some people are in your life for a season. Some a lifetime, others simply a moment for a reason. But everyone who touches you leaves an imprint. These are usually opportunities to build character. I am a better person now, as is he. Despite this, you must know when to make and exit.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

a long time ago when the planet was first beginning, the lifeforms breathed only CO2 and their waste was O2. Now the majority breathe O2 and put out CO2. The first shift from CO2 to O2 killed the majority of the planet, now it seems that it is going to shift back again.

So smart I circle back to dumb

I learned/figured out something today. Ever wonder why something is green of purple or ect? It is crazier than you think. first watch this video below. Do yourself a favor and mute it first.

I assume that you all know that color is based in light.
Now, do you know why it is changing colors? It is because of the chemical makeup of the solution. That solution is not producing light. And if it isn't making light, how is it making color, after all it must be making the color, because the lighting in the room isn't changing at all. So how is it "colored"? Well, in a nutshell, the there is a molecular change occurring. Light interactivity the chemical makeup of something. Color isn't what something "is" it is what something is "doing". And strangely enough, light is doing a number on everything. Light (well, really, waves in total (radio all the way to gamma)) actually causes the molecules to be changed in everything it touches. I don't just mean plants with chlorophyll and such as that. I mean paint and ink, gemstones*, the rocks that make up cliffs, and the sand that fills the deserts of the world. When you look at a tomato that is green, then days later it is red, you are seeing the chemical change of the tomato growing and maturing. But when you see a red tomato in a painting turn yellow, it is a chemical change within the paint. There is no cellular life in that pigment maturing.
...
let me try to explain that again. Just as luminescence consumes energy from two chemicals mixing or a metal burning up atom by atom when heated red hot, reflected light causes a change in color to the subject matter by interacting/bouncing off it/being absorbed by it.** That is why things fade after prolonged exposer to light.

There is more to this than what I have stated above (I have ignored the physical phenomenons of the world). Incandescent things for example create their own light. Then there are actual physical properties of light that create rainbows in 2 degrees of our field of vision (40 degrees and 42 degrees***). That is a whole different ball of wax.

*yes, gemstones are still changing on the molecular level. Give them a millennium or two and they won't be very pretty at all.
**when an object appears green it is because it is absorbing the red and blue light, and rejecting the green light (sending it back to be received by your eyes).
***Double rainbows are created by one rainbow being behind another rainbow on a round planet, not beneath with respect to our vantage point.

I don't normally post political stuff, or maybe I am doing so more often... but This is important to me and others. If you have children, think of them; do you want them to grow up in a world were somebody besides you gets to decide what they are allowed to learn? If you ever attended college, you have seen how differing opinions enrich the academic world. I do not advocate young children aimlessly clicking around the internet, it can be a dangerous place; but this does not only affect them. This affects adults, too: Adults that are old enough to choose to drive, choose to speak, choose to vote. Why would they vote to lock them out of choosing what they learn?
I say no to internet censorship.