Grow up already!

If we went to college together, but you're still there: you're a failure.  Even if you got your PhD,  you've failed to leave the nest.

Act of charity

I totally just got my dollar's worth in the subway! An old oriental man was playing some instrument and I put a dollar in his case and asked him to play a slow song.  So he immediately starts a song and SANG about a black haired man being a "leaf on the vine".  But I have dark brown hair.

At work

The worst thing I've ever said to an employee was shouted out after the boys team beat the girls team at a card game: "you just got raped!" " you got gang-banged!" "By two black guys and a white guy!"